I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, but it's not easy to tell you goodbye...

I cannot believe my life right now! I'm usually the one to take the safe, responsible route, to not take risks, to do what is expected, but this time things are different. If you've been reading you know that I struggled over whether or not to go back to school this summer (and I chose to go even though it means a much larger OSAP loan) and that I told myself that I needed to have a job before I decided to go to South Africa (but decided to go even though I didn't have one)... so I took some leaps of faith and trusted that God would take care of me... and he has, more than I could have imagined!
There have definately been some rough and uncertain moments over the last few weeks, but looking back, the good much outways the bad and I've been blessed with abundance!
Over the last week, my landlords totally unexpectedly decided to let a guy sublet my room (after they had previously said no and I was panicking about finding another subletter super fast, my thesis advisor gave me until January to hand in my thesis and my Soc prof gave me an amazing mark on my term paper lessening the school stress considerably, a job fell in to my lap (thanks to my good friend lisa who is always looking out for me!), and then out of nowhere I got a lead on an apartment!
AND, to top it all off I'm leaving for South Africa in 5 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO basically, I'm beyond excited, my life is working out wonderfully, and God is amazing!
See you all when I get back from Africa and begin my new life as a non-student in Guelph!

I can't believe that this is goodbye...

Over the last few days may panic over trying to all my school work done and travel plans arranged quickly turned into a realization that I am quickly running out of time to spend with my friends before I move out of town. So, instead of devoting myself to finishing school on a high note I find myself spending my time hanging out with friends...
On saturday I went to see RENT with some of the girls, it was everything I dreamed of and started crying in the opening scene... I've been listening to the soundtrack every since ;)
Monday was my last official Embassy, fortunately the chaos that is setting up Embassy and the worry in the back of my mind about how much work I was potentially going to have to do this week kept me from thinking about how Embassy is potentially the hardest things for me to leave. I love love love my friends but I know that we will keep in touch and will visit each other, but my position on Embassy leadership is something that I have to say goodbye to, and that is soo hard. Its probably a good thing that I didn't have time to process this on Monday because all those people did not need to see me cry... but I have a suspicion that Friday at the Christmas party is going to be another story.
Tuesday I went to see Pride and Prejudice with Innis... such a beautiful movie! Stunning cinematography and a storyline that is every girls dream! Now I just need to find a man who is so taken by me that even if I'm stubborn and crazy he can't help but look me (with those gorgeous eyes) and tell me that "you have bewitched my body and soul"... *sigh*
Tonight it was Lost and Euchre with Innis, Curtis and Silas. Innis and Curtis have become such amazing friends to me this year, its funny to think about how friendships evolve. Curtis is such a solid, selfless, caring guy... its such a privilege to have him as a friend. And crazy Innis, I've loved having her as a roommate/friend over the last few years, and getting to the core of her randomness I've gotten see what a good heart she has. Now Silas, this boy is an enigma in my life... I love him with all my heart and I'm not so happy about leaving the town that he is in, now that I've gotten him back in my life in a real way I'm not looking forward to being away because he is definitely an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of guy and its going to hurt a lot of things go back to the way they were when he lived far away... i hope that I can hold on to our relationship because I really feel like I'm a better person because of his presence in my life.
So here I am, two days away from leaving town. Its a bitter sweet feeling as there are definitely things and people that I'm so ready to leave but many many others that I'm going to miss so much.
I'm saying goodbye to my identity as a student, which has been so much a part of my life since I entered kindergarten over 18 years ago. I'm saying goodbye to the University of Waterloo. I'm saying goodbye to my position on leadership at the Embassy. I'm saying goodbye to all those people who are situational friends, and although they've brought a smile to my face many times over the last few years, its unlikely that we will stay in touch after I leave here. Although I'm not saying goodbye to my close friends, I am saying goodbye to the way our relationship is right now because distance will definitely bring changes.

I hope that the adventures that await me are worth all of these goodbyes...

21 days away from being a university graduate, how are you feeling? you might ask...
Well that depends on what second you ask me (yes second, it changes that fast).
The answer would be really happy, or really sad, or really stressed, or really hurt... or maybe some combination of the four.
I may be wearing a blank look on my face, this is because the choice between grinning and crying is too taxing considering everything else I have on my mind.
So here I am, existing, surviving.
I'm trying hard to treasure the people and moments that make me so deliriously happy, but choke back tears in anticipation of their loss. At the same time I'm counting down the days until I can get away from the things that are slowly chipping away at my spirit, hoping against hope that once I leave here that those wounds will mend so that I might feel whole again.
These days I live, breath and feel in paradox...

being caught in between all you hope for and all you see...

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

When I fall in love it will be forever....

In season four of Sex In The City in an episode called 'What's Sex Got To Do With It' Carrie breaks up with the Jazz Man and walks home from his apartment. On that walk she comes across a sax player buskering on the street...
A single alto sax playing a slow jazzy version of 'When I Fall In Love'
This is what I would like to walk down the aisle to ;)

who i am is who i want to be...

I like who I am and am becoming, I'm happy with most of the choices I've made, I admire and love my friends and am inspired by who they make me want to be.
But for some reason this does not make me secure.
When a group of my friends get together to drink and go out and I don't feel included I feel abandond and wish that I felt that I was wanted in their group... but if I actually think about it I realize that I don't want to do what they are doing or be who they are becoming.
So why does it still hurt? why does that little voice in the back of my mind tell me that I'm not good enough, when there is a whole other group of people who loves me just the way I am?
Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Is this true? Do I feel this way because I choose to?

I've been thinking about everyone, everyone seems so lonely...

Reading some of my friends' blogs today I found that there seems to be
a sense of loneliness invading people's hearts. It surprised me to
read… to be honest I struggle with feelings of loneliness, or not
belonging, quite often. More than I would like to admit I find myself
overwhelmed with the feeling that my friends are all growing apart
from me and that no one really cares how I feel… and here I find my
thoughts and feelings echoed in the words of people I know. It makes
me wonder, are we all just wondering around hoping and wishing that
someone would reach out and break through the barrier of loneliness
that surrounds us.. only no one does because everyone else is hoping
for the same thing?

We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.
– Albert Schweitzer

What we don't let out traps us. We think, No one else feels this way,
I must be crazy. So we don't say anything. And we become enveloped by
a deep loneliness, not knowing where our feelings come from or what to
do with them. Why do I feel this way?"
- Sabrina Ward Harrison

Someone searching...

ace lost in the crowd
Feet wandering empty streets
Voice crying out loud
Heart aching with every beat

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone
Searching for someone searching

Soul battered and bruised
Pride wounded and left for dead
Ears deaf to good news
Eyes tear-drenched and sleepless red

Oh I hear the cry
And I know the pain
Can it be denied that
everyone has been and will be
Someone searching

Love standing alone
Hands scarred by the nails of hate
Hope suffering long
Faith urging that its not too late

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Loving, longing always there's someone
Searching for someone searching

-Ginny Owens

Think the truth...

Self-doubt is the worst lie and the biggest waste of time. Don't spend a second in it.

You're arms are the arms that hung shining stars in deepest space...

I love being outside at night and looking at the stars... when I can lie down and marvel at the beauty God has spread out above me all the chaos inside me stills and I can momentarily feel at peace. The negative energy floats away and the lies I hear in the back of my mind are silenced. The world is empty except for me and my Savior and he listens patiently as I pour out my soul...

but I never thought that I'd see you again...

So I've been analyzing the events of last night, how could I possibly get from a place where I had said goodbye all the way back to the beginning in a matter of hours... it was as though he'd never hurt me and all those days and months hadn't passed by... it all unraveled before my eyes... its the eyes that did it.
I saw him across the bar, it was unexpected and left me in shock. I stayed away, stood just outside of the circle, talked to other people, avoided catching his eye. Lisa and I went to the bar... "why is he here... what do I do... i can't talk to him"... by the time I got back he was gone, crisis averted, or so I thought.
We move out to the far patio, another friend walks by and I step off to the side to chat, when I turn back he stands before me once again. Caught by surprise and no where to escape I get drawn into the group conversation, my guard is dropped and suddenly we our eyes meet, I smile, he smiles, I know all is lost. Its that look, I love the way he looks at me, its dangerous because it makes me forget.
Another friend, a chance to escape, I leave and when I come back he's gone. Maybe I won't have to see him again, but this time the thought makes me a little sad.
Fast forward about an hour, we are talking again, just the two of us, my hand on his arm, my fingers run through his hair... how did I get here?
And now he is gone again and I am left wondering why my heart is drawn to him who cannot make up his mind. My friends tell me I deserve more.. and i know this... but deep inside I know that if I stand before him and our eyes meet all will be forgotten once again...

Just when I thought I'd let you go I see you again...

I deleted you from my MSN list yesterday, I decided that it was time that I no longer have to feel my heart skip a beat when I see you come online, you don't deserve to occupy that space in my mind, or in my heart. So I deleted you, hopefully from my life.
Suddenly you are standing in front of me, in the flesh. You are different, your hair has grown out, but your eyes still see through me and make me forget that you made me sad. One look deep into your eyes and all the days and moments before now dissappear and all is forgiven.
As I walk away my head reminds me that you are not what I want, but I know I will only believe that when you are out of sight...
what will it take in order for me to let you go?

Run, as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears...

So tomorrow I start my last term as an undergrad! I'm excited, the world seems alive with possibilities!
I don't know how I feel about how things are going right now. On one hand I'm so excited about having all my friends back together in one city, Embassy is amazing, I found a really chill job, I feel good about my relationships (except for the lack of a significant boy)... but another part of me feels like: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
How, after such an amazingly relaxed summer, can so much drama unfold in one short week??
I do not want to spend my last term immersed in negativity, I want to see the glass as half full, see all the possibilities and embrace all that life has to offer... help me not to get weighed down by the realities of life

Don't be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God...

Last summer was such a growing time for me, I spent so much time reading and in prayer, growing closer to God and becoming more and more confident in who I am. I felt like God was preparing me for big things to happen, great things. But shortly after the year started everything fell apart.
This year, I've been in school all summer, I haven't spent alot of time focusing on God or on myself. My life is just flowing along, at a high speed but no so much that it is overwhelming. I have no expectations for the year to come.
I'm starting the year in a completely different mood, a different house, even some different friends. What does life have in store for me now??

These memories seap from my veins...

I was training for the Distress Line all day on Saturday, learning about crisis deescalation and assessing for suicidal ideation... made me think about all the events of my OAC year... it surprises me how I remember some moments with such clarity and the emotions that accompany them are so strong, even 4 years later... I wonder if they will ever fade or if they will be something that I carry with me forever

sleep eludes me...

I feel my heart beat get stronger, my stomach begins to tighten, I toss and turn, and suddenly I'm staring wide eyed at the ceiling and become very aware that sleep is not coming any time soon. Does the late hour break down the barriers in my mind and let things that had been shoved to the unconsiouce seep out... or is my mind just so bored that it needs to find something to occupy its time? I'll be half asleep in front of the computer, but the second my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake. Maybe when this term is over my mind and body will calm down and I can get on a normal schedule again... one can only hope...

Spin me around and close my eyes...

Look down on us from the stars that You hung in the night sky
like millions of shining angels watching over us as we sleep.
Let Your love fall over us like their shimmering light.
Let it make us feel warm and safe and wash away our insecurities and fear.
As we sleep fill our minds with dreams and ambitions
and when we awake give us the courage to chase after them.
May Your love give us power.
You created us with a purpose,
through us You will change the world.
When the load gets too heavey to bear
and we are wandering the earth feeling that we are unloveable,
let us look at the stars and be reminded that
God so loved the world...

Our Greatest Fear...

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- By Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love

The worlds on fire its more than I can handle...

I just read a story about a ship that sank and 24 people managed to survive on the lifeboat. Unfortunately they were a long way from shore and the lifeboat was only made for 10 and wasn't going to make it if everyone stayed on board. The only crewman who made it onto the lifeboat was put in charge so he had to choose who was going to be left at sea. Miraculously, when they finally got to shore, 12 people had survived. At first they were so thankful to the crewman who had saved them but eventually they began to feel guilty for having survived when so many others parished and they turned on the crewman and charged him with murding those he left behind. He did his best but it wasn't enough...

I'm sure this isn't a true story, but it got me thinking. I've always been a helper, wanting to do things to help/save people. For a long time I think I was avoiding being aware of all that needs fixing in the world, maybe I thought that if I let some of it in I would have to let it all in, and then like that guy in the lifeboat the little bit that I was able to do would never be enough to help all that I could see was wrong.

I see the world for what it is now, I had experiences in my life that I could not ignore, that opened my eyes to all that was around me. Did it overwhelm me like I feared it would? Sometimes... I was watching some of the highlight reel from the Live 8 concerts today and it made me cry many many times, then I watched some TV and cried, read a book and cried some more... the human condition breaks my heart. But sometimes my crying isn't because of the brokeness, I think during the Live 8 concert especially my tears were because of the hope that welled up inside of me when I see people caring and wanting to make a difference.

Its the hope that keeps me going, protects me from being sucked down by the undertow of brokeness... helps me to remember that helping on person, though insignificant on a global scale, makes a difference to that one...

Let Your will be done because thats all I want to do...

Get ready for some preemptive worrying... I've been told that December is far away but given the speed at which the last few months have passed I'm pretty sure its going to be here before I know it. So, here are my options (as I see them right now):

Safe/Smart Option: Get a job, save money, go to England and see Jess, go to SA and see Rach, go where
ever else my heart desires, go back to school
Exciting Option: Go to Jess's wedding, go to Tanzania and help Nadine with the resource center, go to
SA and help Rach with her orphanage, go to England and visit Jess, find a job because
I'm flat BROKE, travel travel travel, come back home and get a job/apply for school,
go to school

So, who knows, maybe I'll find an AMAZING job and would rather wait to travel anyways, maybe I'll have an exam that prevents me from going to Jess's wedding, maybe Nadine won't be ready for help... let's face it, both these options are dreams that need alot of things to work out to become reality. And, to be honest, I don't care what comes first as long as I'm inspired by what I'm doing... what I'm afraid of is not being inspired, not being happy. That's why its so important to me that whatever I'm doing is God's will for me, because he created me and made me for a purpose, and as long as what I'm doing is carrying out that purpose I know it will be an adventure...

Time, where did you go...

Every once in a while I get this surreal feeling as if this is all a dream and not really my life. I become aware of how my life has changed, people I've lost touch with, new friends I've made and I wonder how everything could have gotten so different without me noticing. And, how did I get to be so old? My friends are graduating school, getting married, moving away and starting a "real life"... it sneaks up on you, this growing up stuff, catches you off guard. All of the sudden gradutation is 5 months away, you are going to be a university grad, and you have no idea how you got there.

"Day by day nothing seems to change but suddenly everything is different"

Age is a state of mind...

The other day I was thinking back to grade six when I was in the V.I.P. program, that stands for Values Influences, and Peers, the Catholic school board's attempt on keeping us away from drugs and alcohol (I don't think it worked very well, a couple girls in my class were kicked out of the program for bringing mushrooms to school... we were 12!) and I remembered that the police officer who was running it had us promise that we would never try smoking until we were 21, because apparently if you don't smoke before you are 21 you are unlikely to ever start. So basically, I can start smoking now and not have broken my promise... haha. But I can remember how old 21 seemed way back then, I don't know what I pictured it to be like, but I don't think this is it! Don't misinterpret, I have been extatically happy with who I am and what my life is like lately, but I always thought 21 would be older... and I'm soooo glad that its not, I'm definately not in a rush to "grow up", I fully intend on flitting around, wandering the world, and not settling down into a job and a grown up life for a loooong time. When I was in Jarvis this weekend we were hanging out with Ash's friend John and his housemates and I found out later that one of the girls was 29!!! I never would have guessed... it turns out that 30 is alot younger than you might have thought... getting older is weird!

Look out world... here I come!

57 minutes after midnight... its officially my 22nd birthday! That's right, turning 22 on the 22nd, Ash and I have decided that this is our year... start it off with our champaigne birthday and hopefully it will be fun and excitment from here on out! If you think about it, big stuff is definately going to happen... after all we are graduating university this year!!!! How crazy is that? I can't believe how fast the last 3 and a half years have flown by... and now suddenly we are supposed to be ready for the real world?? yeah right! But it is exciting, we have the whole world and our whole lives open in front of us!

So, to start this off right, I want to commit this year into God's hands. I know He has made me for a purpose, He has awesome plans for my life, I just pray that I can live up to who He made me to be... Lord, mold me, guide me, give me wisdom and courage to step out and do the things that scare me... cuz the things that scare you are usually the most worthwhile... let this year be great!

The year of Sara and Ash... starts... NOW!!!!!

Angels, demons, and ghosts...

I'm a very skittish person. If I watch a scary movie it can take weeks, months, until I stop being afraid. Slasher movies are ok, like Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer, the killer is always one of their friends, and I'm pretty confident that my friends aren't that insane (I mean, they can be pretty crazy but they are harmless ;) haha. Its the one's that deal with the supernatural that really get to me. After I saw The Sixth Sense I would come close to having anxiety attacks in broad day light because I would think of something from the movie and freak out... I'm weird like that.
When I lived at home I would freak out on a regular basis, I always felt like there was something in my room, but since I moved to Waterloo I've been pretty calm and put together, even when I've been living on my own... until Monday night. I got into a really long conversation with some people about things like speaking in tongues and manifestations of the holy spirit and other crazy Pentacostel stuff that I have little to no experience with. It was all good and fine until they started talking about being able to see angels and demons... I don't know what I believe about all that, I believe they experienced something, I know they aren't lying to me, but I have no experience to base any decision on in that department... but that's kind of beside the point.
The point is... it freaked the crap out of me! When I was trying to go to sleep that night I would freak out every five or ten minutes and have to turn the light on... its not good to be living along while you are scared to death... I've got to learn to keep my fears under control. If anyone wants to sleep over and protect me let me know! haha

loveless in a world obsessed with love...

Here I am in Waterloo, alot of serious decisions have been made! I decided to go back to school for the summer, I'm taking six courses instead of five which means I'm not working so I'm going to be broke pretty soon! This also means that I'm going to be graduating in December, how scary is that?! Don't get me wrong, its exciting too, I have the whole world open to me, who knows where I will go or what I will do. But the thought of leaving all my friends behind and going into the unknown by myself, four months before everyone else i know, scares me. It would be scary enough with everyone else in the same boat, who knows where we will all go, if we will ever be together again.. things will never be the same.

Most of my courses right now involve alot of reading about love and belonging. Our biggest need as humans is to bridge the gap of our solitariness and feel known by another... this is accomplished through love. Focusing on that all the time makes a girl kind of lonely, and scared that that need will never be fulfilled for me. Friends are getting married and I've never even had a date!

I know God has someone out there for me... I just wish he'd hurry up and get here...

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme...

I really really hate making decisions when none of the options seem like the right one. I have so many options for what to do this summer but none of them fit right, or maybe they do but I'm afraid to see it? I really wish God would just make it clear where I'm supposed to be... life would be so much easier if we could see into the future and know how our decisions would effect our lives....

I want to see miracles, see the world change...

I don't quite have the words to adequately describe my experience... but I know it makes my heart ache.

Three nights ago, at 3:30AM, I was leaving a club in Cuba after spending hours dancing the night away with some Cuban boys. One of them, who had patiently been spending this night teaching us rhythmically challenged Canadian girls how to dance, was waiting with us to make sure we got our bus safely back to our resort and we got into a conversation about life in Cuba.
We talked about how the guys who work at the resort try to make out with all the girls. While to us it seems like they are all big players he explained that in Cuba the girls don't have access to nice clothes and make up so when all these girls come in with their light skin and expensive clothes and get themselves all dolled up it is exotic to them, being with these girls is how they can experience the world... because most of them will never leave Cuba.
How foreign that is to me. While my friends are more and more being spread out over the world and I aspire to spend a great deal of time traveling he can say with such confidence that he and everyone he knows will likely never have the opportunity to leave the small island country where they were born.
Then he talked about how they work at the resort for 20 days straight and then go home to rest and see their families for 10 days. For this sacrifice they are paid 18 pesos for every 20 days that they work (about $25 Canadian). He said that he gives some of the money he makes to his Mom for the up keep on her house, and that the jeans he was wearing cost him 25 pesos, more than his month's wages. Yet I can see that he loves his job, he spent all this extra time with us teaching us to dance and wanted to meet us the next day before we left to give us a present and say goodbye (he who has so little wants to give something to us). In fact all of the staff were so friendly and energetic and seemed to be having fun, yet they were not making enough in 20 days of work to buy themselves a pair of jeans...
Lindsay and I did meet him the next morning, away from the lobby because the staff are forbidden from coming to say goodbye to the guests,and he gave us both beautiful pictures that he had painted (as well as working at the resort, he teaches fine arts at a boys school). Before leaving I gave him all the money I had left, 20 pesos (about $30 Canadian), more than doubling his salary for this month. I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it, because its nothing to be proud of, I'm not going to miss that money... I'm saying it because it is so ridiculous to me that an amount of money that means nothing to me is worth so much in his hands, that a big difference can be made so effortlessly...

But I don't... we don't.

Our eyes are closed.

On a hot night under the stars in Cuba mine were momentarily opened... and it broke my heart.
I pray that my eyes would not close again, that God would change me through this experience, that I would make a difference.

And still my heart aches...

dazed and confused...

yup thats definately me right now, dazed and confused! Dazed because I've been studying for way to long and my brain isn't working quite right anymore... confused because I have no idea what I'm doing!!!
My dad called me today and told me that he thinks I could make alot of money this summer if I came home and worked in the film business for a few months. We tried this last year and it didn't really work out, I ended up scrambling around looking for a job and by the end of the summer was working two jobs to make up for it. But he's sure this time will be different. Now I dont know what to do, I would be giving up so much by going home, but I could potentially gain alot too.
If I leave I'm missing out on alot of fun with friends, I will have to give up at least one of my DE classes, and I will be absent for the formation of the new Embassy Leadership which I would really like to be apart of. I would gain alot more money, the ability to take whatever job I want for july and august to get experience and not worry about how much I'm making, and possibly not have to work next year, giving me more time to do the stuff at Embassy I want, volunteer for the crisis center, and work on my thesis.
What do I get if I stay here? Alot of fun with Cassie, Danie, Lisa, and whoever else is around, a few classes out of the way, being involved in the formation of the new Embassy leadership, free time, independence... but no job yet which means being strapped for cash, being broke at the end of the year when I want to travel, needing to work next year...
WHAT DO I DO??

Let Your will be done 'cause thats all I want to do...

When I was in grade 11 the leader of my care group invited some of her friends to come to our bible study, she called them 'Prayer Warriors'. At the end of the night they took some time to pray for us each individually. One of them, her name is Beth, after she prayed for me told me that she could feel that I was a rock, full of the holy spirit, a firm foundation while the people around me were on shakey ground. To be honest it really freaked me out, I had only been a Christian for a little over a year so I kind of put the whole thing in the back of my mind and didn't think about it much.
Three years later, just after first year of university, my old care group got together for an evening just to catch up and pray together, Beth came. At the end of the night she took me aside again and said almost the same thing... You are a rock, your prayers are powerful... THREE YEARS LATER she says the same thing to me. Obviously this is something that God was speaking into my life, it comes to my mind everyonce in a while, but mostly it confuses me... what does it mean??
Jesus called the apostle Peter 'the Rock'... after the Embassy retreat I started to read through the gospels where they talked about Peter and read the letters he wrote... trying to look for some clue as to what my purpose is... I got sidetracked by end of term chaos... I'll have to get back to that when I'm done...
Why am I thinking about this now? I'm not really sure... maybe because I didn't get that job that I wanted so badly... I've had the worst luck with jobs and I'm just wondering what God wants from me, where he wants me to be... and that anxiety about the summer turns into anxiety about my life... which brings me back to the question WHO AM I? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?... which brings me back to that time when Beth told me 'you are a rock'...
______________________________________________________________

Some food for thought:
(If anyone is reading who is interested let me know your thoughts on this!)

"When the church began to doubt its own integrity after the Darwinian attack on Genesis 1 and 2, we began to answer science, not by appealing to something greater, the relmof beauty and art and spirituality, but by attempting to translate spirituatl realities through scientific equations, thus justifying ourselves to culture, as if culture had some kind of authority to redeem us in the first place. Terms such as 'absolute truth' and 'inherency' (a term used only to describe scripture in the last one hundred years or so) became a battle cry, even theough the laws of absolute truth must, byt their nature, exclude ideas such as Jesus is the Word, He is both God and Man, the Trinity is both three and One, we are united with Him in His death, because these are mysterious ideas, not scientific ideas. In fact, much of biblical truth must go out the window when you approach it through the scientific method." -Donald Miller

Standing with my empty hands stretched towards heaven...

God please let me get this job... it sounds perfect... yet not my will but Yours be done...
I stand with empty hands stretched towards heaven... waiting for you to fill them...

Its hard to keep your feet on the ground when your eyes are on the stars...

The chilly grey day and mountians of school work are definately made lighter and brighter by phone calls from across the ocean! So good to hear that south african accent again! I can't even remember the last time I had an actual conversation with Jess, and I can't believe its been well over a year since I last saw her!! I miss that girl so much! I must say that it is hard to get back into school work when your imagination is ignited by tales of world travel, love, and wedding plans... but I guess I'll just have to live vicariously through Jess for now...
one day its going to be my feet traversing the globe and my heart that falls in love...
but for now I have an apprenticeship report to write...

A gypsy princess fighting for freedom...

At the Stars - Howie Day

maybe i should drop you at you door
and leave tonight and vanish up the shore
anywhere but here
it's three o'clock i'm driving in your car
your screaming out the window at the stars
please don't drive me home

blame us cause we are who we are
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose that you would go
i've already learned enough to know that...

tell me all the places we can go
you count the headlights passing on the road
a long long time ago

blame us cause we are who we are
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose that you would go
i've already learned enough to know that...

here here we are foreign to their world
straight and composed
your sermons i can do without
i've finally found that
everybody loves to love you
when you're far away

could it be we've done something wrong
i'll make it back to your place before dawn
please don't drive me home
please don't take me home

blame us cause we are who we are
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose that you would go
i've already learned enough to know that...



I came across this song a few weeks ago and have been listening to it nonstop... there is something about it that really touches to me... I'm not really sure what... I think it speaks to the part of me that feels out of place and is yearning to escape, travel, have experiences, not just live a life that follows the status quo...
I hope that I actually live that desire out. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm never going to do any of the things my heart desires and just follow the sensible path thats before me...
God don't let me give up on my dreams...


My friend Linds was here to visit last night... I love that girl so much... I hate that she hurts... it was really awesome to see her... she makes me feel happy and always loved

It time to get back to essay writing, this is probably one of the most philosophical essay's I've ever had to write. The question is: Is there a way to empirically measure what is good and what is evil? I hate needing to make philosophical decisions about life before I can do an assignment... but I guess its good to stretch my mind like that... I like thinking about this kind of stuff, just not making decisions... oh well we'll see how it goes!

All I want to do is give this life to you...

"Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can PRAY. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. Offer hospitatlity to one another without grumbling. Each on should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If enayone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."
-1Peter 4:7-11

I went on a retreat with The Embassy last weekend, one of the exercises we did was a labrynth which was amazing! At one of the stations we were asked, where has God brought you lately? And I realized that I haven't gone anywhere, I haven't grown, my spiritual life has become stagnant. I've let myself be swayed by the relativist opinions of those around me and let my life overflow with things that aren't God... I need to get back on track.... draw me to you oh Lord!

men are from mars...

So i've had the opportunity a couple times over the last few days to talk with some guy friends of mine about where their heads were at in situations that I had previously only heard/experienced from the girl's perspective. One of them had just told a girl he had been seeing off and on for a while that he had met someone else and thought they should just be friends and the other recounted the story of the start of the relationship between him and my roommate. It made me wonder just how often we attribute a guy's actions to a certain emotion when really he is just doing the 'right thing', how often we think a guy is scum and that he never really cared about us when he is sitting somewhere thinking 'I can't believe that I hurt her, I wouldn't blame her if she never speaks to me again, I can't believe I made such a mess'... how often we sit around analysing situations and actions that really didn't mean anything. Is it really as simple as the 'He's Just Not That Into You' craze says... is it really true that if a guy wants to be with you he will make it crystal clear and if you are reading into unclear situations you are just fooling yourself? Imagine you really believed this and never sat up at night wondering why he didn't want to hang out with you ever again? Can we bridge the gap between how she and he see things?

I won't be lost in these watered down dreams...

Here we are in a new year...
Every year we get the chance to start again and we have high hopes that this year it will be different, this is the year where we really live and all the trouble and complications will pass us by... But it never lasts.

My Rach is back from South Africa but in only a week Innis will be gone to France. And a couple days ago they both announce that they aren't going to be able to live here next year. Just like that HICE ceases to exist, no warning, its just over. And today Matt ends up in the hospital with meningitis...

The fantasy lasted approximately 5 days...

This is the year I turn 22 on the 22nd... Ash tells me that this is going to be the greatest year of our life... and no matter what happens we are going to keep telling ourselves that it is the greatest year of our life... we are not to let anything ruin it!

Already this is a struggle for me, where did I lose my optimism?

Father God my life is designed by You, help me see the beauty and joy in each and every day...

"The hurt is washed away
still here i am
in the middle of it all
with heavy hands
and i try so hard
just to leave behind me
all the chains that bind me

i wont back down
wont turn my head around
quick, take a recess
oops, take another breath
guess who, whose you, better take another clue
find out all about, just dont doubt
just dont doubt

And i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day, yeah
and i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day" - Moment of the Day - By Thousand Foot Krutch