Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands...

Pictures from the last four years pass before my eyes
as I sit watching the screen saver on my computer
Some of them seem like a lifetime ago
and things that I thought I had processed
start weighing on my mind
Funny how your past creeps up on you
and becomes your present
Have I learned?
Have I changed?

Could there be someone searching for someone searching...

I was watching Stranger Than Fiction last night and in the movie there is a discussion between Dustin Hoffman and Will Farrel about Will Farrel's impending death. He is wondering what to do with the time he has left in his life and Dustin Hoffman tells him that this is his chance to have the life he always wanted. What has he always wanted in his life? Will Farrel says that he always wished his life were more musical, that he could play guitar. So,  he goes out, buys a guitar, and learns to play.
When I saw Will Farrel learning to play guitar I thought, 'Hey, maybe I should learn guitar!'
I have thoughts like this fairly often, maybe I should learn guitar, maybe I should start scrap booking, maybe I should sew, maybe I should take up photography... etc etc. I'm obviously looking for something to fill up the extra time in my life.
There are a lot of things I could do... but I don't want to do something to just fill time. I want to figure out the thing that would make my life the life I've always wanted. The thing that will make me feel more myself. The thing that if I were to die soon I would regret not doing.
But how do I find this thing?

No deeds to do, no promises to keep, I'm dappled and drowsey and ready to sleep...

This afternoon I found myself walking to the post office
Walking quickly
I suddenly wondered why I was walking so fast
Why do I feel the need to get everything done as fast as I can?
I had no deadline to keep, no where else to be
So I purposefully slowed my steps

I took in the chilly fall air
Felt the leaves crunch under my feet
Admired the Princess Leia pumpkin on the front porch

As I came to a stop
waiting for the cars to pass so i could cross the street
Suddenly my calm is interrupted by incessant honking
*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*
I notice a middle age woman in a mini-van
frustrated and angry and repeatedly laying on her horn
I wonder what could possibly be causing such stress?
I see in front of her a car that has realized it needed to be in the right hand turn lane
slowed down trying to squeeze into a long line of cars before it misses its turn
*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*
Where does this woman have to be
In such a rush
that she can't allow this person a few extra seconds to correct a mistake
Eventually she pulls into the other lane, goes around the car
and is on her way

I shake my head, cross the road
and continue to be conscious  of the speed of my steps
Speeding so fast trying to get from one place to the next
You will miss out on all those moments in between destinations
Those moments are your life
Live every moment

You make me feel safe, then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay...

For the last year I've been waiting for this acceptance letter
All that time I never doubted that this was the right path for me
That if everything worked out the way I wanted it to
It would be perfect

Now its all come to be
Every best case scenario came true
But part of me is questioning the rightness

Most of my fears have to do with money... maybe ALL of them
I hate that money affects me so much

God help me to trust in You
that You put me on this path
that You will provide