21 days away from being a university graduate, how are you feeling? you might ask...
Well that depends on what second you ask me (yes second, it changes that fast).
The answer would be really happy, or really sad, or really stressed, or really hurt... or maybe some combination of the four.
I may be wearing a blank look on my face, this is because the choice between grinning and crying is too taxing considering everything else I have on my mind.
So here I am, existing, surviving.
I'm trying hard to treasure the people and moments that make me so deliriously happy, but choke back tears in anticipation of their loss. At the same time I'm counting down the days until I can get away from the things that are slowly chipping away at my spirit, hoping against hope that once I leave here that those wounds will mend so that I might feel whole again.
These days I live, breath and feel in paradox...

being caught in between all you hope for and all you see...

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

When I fall in love it will be forever....

In season four of Sex In The City in an episode called 'What's Sex Got To Do With It' Carrie breaks up with the Jazz Man and walks home from his apartment. On that walk she comes across a sax player buskering on the street...
A single alto sax playing a slow jazzy version of 'When I Fall In Love'
This is what I would like to walk down the aisle to ;)

who i am is who i want to be...

I like who I am and am becoming, I'm happy with most of the choices I've made, I admire and love my friends and am inspired by who they make me want to be.
But for some reason this does not make me secure.
When a group of my friends get together to drink and go out and I don't feel included I feel abandond and wish that I felt that I was wanted in their group... but if I actually think about it I realize that I don't want to do what they are doing or be who they are becoming.
So why does it still hurt? why does that little voice in the back of my mind tell me that I'm not good enough, when there is a whole other group of people who loves me just the way I am?
Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Is this true? Do I feel this way because I choose to?