Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands...

Pictures from the last four years pass before my eyes
as I sit watching the screen saver on my computer
Some of them seem like a lifetime ago
and things that I thought I had processed
start weighing on my mind
Funny how your past creeps up on you
and becomes your present
Have I learned?
Have I changed?

Could there be someone searching for someone searching...

I was watching Stranger Than Fiction last night and in the movie there is a discussion between Dustin Hoffman and Will Farrel about Will Farrel's impending death. He is wondering what to do with the time he has left in his life and Dustin Hoffman tells him that this is his chance to have the life he always wanted. What has he always wanted in his life? Will Farrel says that he always wished his life were more musical, that he could play guitar. So,  he goes out, buys a guitar, and learns to play.
When I saw Will Farrel learning to play guitar I thought, 'Hey, maybe I should learn guitar!'
I have thoughts like this fairly often, maybe I should learn guitar, maybe I should start scrap booking, maybe I should sew, maybe I should take up photography... etc etc. I'm obviously looking for something to fill up the extra time in my life.
There are a lot of things I could do... but I don't want to do something to just fill time. I want to figure out the thing that would make my life the life I've always wanted. The thing that will make me feel more myself. The thing that if I were to die soon I would regret not doing.
But how do I find this thing?

No deeds to do, no promises to keep, I'm dappled and drowsey and ready to sleep...

This afternoon I found myself walking to the post office
Walking quickly
I suddenly wondered why I was walking so fast
Why do I feel the need to get everything done as fast as I can?
I had no deadline to keep, no where else to be
So I purposefully slowed my steps

I took in the chilly fall air
Felt the leaves crunch under my feet
Admired the Princess Leia pumpkin on the front porch

As I came to a stop
waiting for the cars to pass so i could cross the street
Suddenly my calm is interrupted by incessant honking
*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*
I notice a middle age woman in a mini-van
frustrated and angry and repeatedly laying on her horn
I wonder what could possibly be causing such stress?
I see in front of her a car that has realized it needed to be in the right hand turn lane
slowed down trying to squeeze into a long line of cars before it misses its turn
*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*
Where does this woman have to be
In such a rush
that she can't allow this person a few extra seconds to correct a mistake
Eventually she pulls into the other lane, goes around the car
and is on her way

I shake my head, cross the road
and continue to be conscious  of the speed of my steps
Speeding so fast trying to get from one place to the next
You will miss out on all those moments in between destinations
Those moments are your life
Live every moment

You make me feel safe, then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay...

For the last year I've been waiting for this acceptance letter
All that time I never doubted that this was the right path for me
That if everything worked out the way I wanted it to
It would be perfect

Now its all come to be
Every best case scenario came true
But part of me is questioning the rightness

Most of my fears have to do with money... maybe ALL of them
I hate that money affects me so much

God help me to trust in You
that You put me on this path
that You will provide

My words like silent raindrops fell..

I am a good listener

I can take whatever you say to me
and not react
absorb it into me
and mull it over
ask you questions
to clarify your thoughts and feelings
but not show you how I feel
about what you have just revealed

But when I walk away
your words continue to echo
inside me
my feelings swell
and my mind races
I don't know what to do
with the reactions
that I can no longer suppress

Now I am alone
with what I didn't show you
because I am a good listener.

I hate the phone, but I wish you would call...

I'm starting to think that boys have no concept of the effect that they have on girls.
Did you really think you could say sweet things to a girl every day and not have her fall for you?
Do they mean to give mixed messages? Or are they just hopelessly clueless?
(which less face it, would make them even more adorable)
Or maybe its not the boys
Maybe I'm the one who's clueless and I just don't know how to read their signals
I have no answers
I guess I'll just continue to be confused...

Hear the silence call me home...

I'm deliciously tired...
Its not the warn out tired, the kind that tells me I've been doing too much
Its the content tired that comes from spending a weekend hanging out with friends and staying up late chatting
A satisfied tired that is the consequence of time well spent

It reminds of my need for Sabbath
Its something I've been reading about, thinking about, praying about
This morning Brandon spoke about it
Its a change I know I need to make
Something God is calling me to
I'm just not sure how it looks or where it fits
I'm still searching...

Little cracks they escalate, before we knew it was too late...

As I read your words I feel a vice grip my lungs and I'm suddenly finding it hard to breathe
My heart beats harder and faster and everything starts to close in around me
You use me as your trash can as you dump all the poison that has been living in your heart onto me
I'm sorry
I hope you feel better

Where is God when it hurts?

Know that He is there my love, know that He is there.

He is closer than the rain on your skin, closer than the air in your lungs.

He is there crying your tears and feeling your broken heart.

He is there with a legion of angels to lift you up when you are about to fall.

He is there in your friends as we love you with all our strength.

He is there in the still silence as you watch your father slowly fade away.

He is there with open arms waiting to welcome him when he breaths his last.

Know that He is there dear one, know that He is there.

God is love, and you my darling are SO loved.

All is stripped away...

3:30am... what guards my mind has gone to sleep and everything I normally push away sneaks into my thoughts...

*Are my introverted tendancies reversing? Or have I found a group of people I'm so comfortable with that being with them is as easy as being alone? I hope that is true, it makes me happy to think so.

*When I think of you my thoughts immediately jump to the future... which is dangerous when we don't even have a today

*Do you realize that my heart breaks when you act as though I am not important or loved by you? Its only because you are very important to me

*When the people I love are absent a part of me is absent with them... something is missing... it feels empty

*I want to be the person God created me to be... but every day I fall so far short

*I miss my piano.... music is therapeutic

*I need to learn to handle stress better

*I need Jesus to be enough

Collapse into me tired with joy...

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
                                                   -Chris Tomlin

Our lives are made in these small hours...

There are five days left in the month of May and yet all the things that happened seem to be a moment ago. A million moments happened, but were they lived? Time seems to keep speeding up, passing by faster and faster… am I experiencing my life to the fullest or is it just passing me by?

Let me tell you a story about May…

 

I moved… yet again…

The month started by me packing up all my belongings and trekking them across town… for those of you keeping track, yes, I lived in four different houses in nine months. And what did I learn this time around? All this moving is destroying my soul. As I was leaving Avondale I found boxes that I hadn’t even unpacked in the eight months that I lived there. My dad says that means I own too much stuff, but as I looked around my room and saw my nearly bare walls I knew that I had just never allowed myself to really settle in with the move-out date looming over my head. And so, after thinking seriously about not unpacking and living out of boxes for the next four months… I decided that wherever I move in September will be a place I can settle, at least for a little while. I have made a life here home and there is nothing that I can foresee on the horizon that will necessitate my leaving. Its kind of weird…deciding to put down roots… I’m kind of worried that as soon as I do something will come up in my life to call me away from here… but I know that I can’t keep going from house to house and never actually having a home… so adult life here I come ;)

 

A real full time job…

Anyone who has been around the Embassy for any length of time knows that change is the name of the game. I think if I had to describe the atmosphere of the Embassy in one word, change would be it. The latest big change is the cut back of one job, our office manager, which meant saying goodbye to Cynthia and hello to more work. I do appreciate the extra money and the chance to grow and learn new things… but the 10 extra hours and the million little jobs that I don’t quite know how to do have definitely added some chaos to my life!

 

South Africa returns…

On our drive to the Hamilton airport Laura and I were discussing how it had been one and half (me) to two (Laura) years since we had seen Jess and Tom… you can imagine how hyper with anticipation we were! Of course, as soon as we were together again it was as if we had never left. Jess mentioned at one point during the week that she felt the most herself when she was with us, that she could show any aspect of her personality and that we would accept and understand it… I feel the same way. As I stood in a dark parking lot crying as she drove away a few nights later I mentioned to Silas how odd it is that she was only here for six months, almost four years ago, and it changed the course of all of our lives and left us living with a piece of our hearts on the other side of the ocean. I miss my South African… good thing she will be back at the end of June!

 

 

Innis and Curtis got married!

It has been so amazing to be able to witness two friends that I met separately in first year meet, become friends, fall in love, and now get married. The wedding was absolutely beautiful, the weather, the people, everything. I’m so excited for them as they start this new part of their life together!

 

 

So that is May in a nutshell… I’m not sure if I’m hoping for a calmer June or if I’ll miss the chaos if its gone!

 

“Our lives are made in these small hours

these little wonders these twists and turns of fate.

Time falls away but these small hours

These small hours still remain.”
                                       -Rob Thomas

I know the heart of life is good...

As I awake the memory of his touch on my face still lingers...

Its funny how your dreams can fool your mind into believing they are real
and the emotions of what happened stay with you
Last night I dreamt that someone desired me
and today I have lived with the glow and security that comes from being wanted
but it wasn't real

you look at me but do you see me...

Quiet Girl

I would liken you
To a night without stars
Were it not for your eyes

I would liken you
To a sleep without dreams
Were it not for your songs.
 
                                  -Langston Hughes

I need You like water, like breath, like rain...

All I can say is
We need You Lord

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."                                              Romans 8:26

You are going to die... But how, my dearest, are you going to live?

I went to the Epiphaneia conference on Restoring Justice that took place at The Meeting House in Oakville on Saturday.
It was an interesting experience for sure, most of what was said by the speakers was nothing I hadn't heard before, what I found more interesting were people's reactions to what was being said. I noticed a generation gap between people around my age and those who could be our parents. I wonder if the different attitude of our generation towards these issues will lead to different results than the legacy the past generation has left us. A mess of a world...

But then I wonder, is it just our attitude that is different or do we have actions to back it up? Its important for us to sit and listen to what people have to say on this topic and discuss these issues with each other... but is that all we do? Is that all I do?
How do I go forward with this knowledge?

Do I sell all I have and go join the Shane Claiborne types in voluntary poverty and radical community?
Do I find a high paying job and give as much as I can away to Opportunity International (www.opportunity.org)?
Do I start buying only products that I can guarantee are fair trade?
Do I give up the comfort I have here and go serve in Africa?


Am I willing to do any of these? And what does it mean if I'm not?

And if I am willing, are any of these actually going to make a change in the world?


"If you claim to have saving faith, but don't do the things the bible says people with saving faith do [feed the hungry, clothe the naked, etc]... you probably don't have saving faith"     -Ron Sider

The big picture...

"Looking from above, life is a short, often painful, mission, full of occasions to do fruitful work for God's kingdom, and death is the open door that leads into the hall of celebration where the king himself will serve us."  -Henri Nouwen

After reading this quote in a Henri Nouwen book this afternoon I asked myself, am I doing fruitful work for God's kingdom?
I thought about it for a minute before I realized... I work for a church.
So I certainly hope that my work is fruitful, meaningful, otherwise what am I doing?
Yet sometimes its hard to see, I lose the big picture.
So somewhere in the back of my mind... I'm still asking the question...

I'm miles from where you are...

I need to stop giving control over my feelings of self worth
to people who don't care enough to be careful with it.

The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love...

The last entry in my prayer journal for 2006 reads:
"I pray that this new year would be a time of renewal and growth, especially in my relationships. For the amazing people in my life, even as our lives draw us to different places, I pray that you would knit us together, that we would grow closer and give love and strength to each other through these times of transition. And Father I pray that you would bring new people into my life that will walk this journey beside me and that you would give me wisdom and discernment in choosing who to give my heart to."

A few weeks after writing this my heart got terribly hurt, and I wanted to curl up and not let anyone in ever again. I didn't see why I should bother with growing close to people, if those who I had allowed into my innermost self could shut me out and not even care. 

But God is faithful, and even though I was rebelling against the thought of intimacy, the friends God put in my life poured themselves out to me and challenged me to do the same.

God, thank you for the amazing people you have put in my life...  I pray that you would continue to answer my prayer... and rid me of all but love...

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love... your face is all wet and your day was rough...

Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus You're all this heart is living for

F*** you and all we've been through...

It has become clear
that you don't give a crap
about me

The feeling of abandonment
is hard to shake

Heal me O Lord

An unexamined life is not worth living...

When I was in second year myself and a bunch of my friends made lists of  "30 things to do before I'm 30" (my list only got to 20 for some reason). We were 20 at the time so that gave us 10 years to get through everything. Last night while I wasn't sleeping (me and my screwed up sleep patterns) I suddenly got the urge to pull it out and see how I was doing. Turns out I'm doing pretty well, I was able to cross off 8 of my 20 and I still have 7 years to go!
As for what is left, its interesting to see how my dreams and priorities have changed. Most of the items left on my list range from impossible (its going to be pretty hard to get a position playing in the pit band of a musical after barely touching my sax for the last 4 and a half years, I guess I could count high school for this one), highly unlikely (the amount of travelling I have left on here is going to take a couple years and a lot of money that I don't have), to simply not that important anymore (sure I would still love to do a round the world trip and open a youth center, but I have my whole life ahead of me! What am I going to do if I cram everything into the time before I turn 30?!)
And then there are those 10 blank spaces on the bottom of my list, in the past three years have I dreamed up anything new that I would like to add? Yeah, I can think of a few, but most of the things I want in my life are not so quantifiable that I can do them and cross them off a list. Learning to trust God and follow His will for my life, to practice spiritual discipline, to truly love others... these things are part of a life long journey that will have its ups and its downs. There will be no time when these things are 'achieved' and can be crossed off and moved on from.
Anyways... here is my list in its current form (its only up to 28 but I guess I still have time to come up with two more!). I don't think that I will actually be able do all of them before I'm 30 (especially all the travelling) but you never know!

30 things to do before I'm 30...
1. Graduate with my BA2. See Lifehouse in concert3. Play in the pit band of a musical
4. Live outside of Ontario for at least 1 year
5. Find the perfect dress
6. Go to Europe
7. Go to South Africa8. Open a youth drop-in center
9. Fall in love
10. Get married
11. Wear contacts12. Own a grand piano
13. See Les Miserables14. See a musical on Broadway
15. Get blue highlights16. Paint a picture on a canvas
17. Go on a cruise
18. Go on a round the world trip
19. Wax my eyebrows20. See Rent for a second time21. Take a photography course
22. Get a Masters degree
23. Watch an entire season of a TV show in one day
24. Buy a car
25. Sleep under the stars
26. Make a scrapbook for myself
27. Tithe consistantly
28. Work at a job that fulfills me

Hope is coming for the heart that holds on...

The way you love me
gives me hope
that someday
someone as amazing as you
will be in love with me
.
.
.
happy new year everyone!