a shadow of hope in every heartbreak

there is a crack in the dam around your heart
I see the pain pouring in

holding my hand against the wound
I pray under my breath

please don't die
please don't die

growing weary and losing hope
that this crack would ever be repaired

one day you gather the courage
to put your own hand in the gap

slowly you restore the dam
healing it with bravery and truth

you work so hard
I am so proud

but behind the dam
the pressure builds

another crack
more pain pouring out

you see the fracture
but exhaustion overtakes you

I can live with it you say
with sorrow in your eyes

once again I stand
with my hand against the wound

praying under my breath
until your strength returns

There's something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He's doing...

It would appear that she is one
that providence forgot
I have desperately questioned
how God could stand idly by

But as I watched seemingly impossible plans
fall into place
I wondered in how many little ways
His hand has protected her

She's walked sixteen years
among depravity and darkness
yet the precious light in her heart
has stunningly been guarded

As she travels with the hope
that this is the beginning of a different life
go before her and prepare a place for her
filled with grace and mercy

In the midst of her treacherous climb
out of the shadows of her past
grow the light in her heart ever stronger
in the knowledge that she is worthy of being loved

---------------------------------------------------------

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.              
                                                                [Deuteronomy 31:8]

I lift my eyes up...

climbing out from under the legacy your mother pulled her into
          lamenting, grieving, confused, and sorrow filled
shedding the weight of her own choices
          regretful, ashamed, disgusted and afraid
no wonder she chooses not to think or feel
rather than experience her world
how can we ask her to encounter her emotions in all their intensity?
could anyone stand up under their burden?

her foot slips
she is harmed
where will her help come from?

In September I was...

Listening... to The Civil Wars... love love love it, please get back together!
Reading... Ragged Company, along with the rest of Waterloo Region for One Book One Community
Watching... fall premiers... loving New Girl, Parenthood, and the final season of How I Met Your Mother
Eating... less grains and sugar, more veggies and protein
Drinking... the first pumpkin spice latte of the year
Wearing... sweaters but refusing to give up my flip flops
Feeling... healthier
Wanting... a new bed because mine keeps falling apart
Needing... love and belonging
Thinking... about cleaning and purging my apartment, but not actually doing it
Enjoying... seeing Waiting for Godot at the Stratford Festival

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why...

dear God,
how do you bear to watch your babies
in so much pain they pierce their skin
twenty-six puncture wounds
slashes on arms, ribs, legs
toeing the line of a little too much, a little too deep
a mistake they can't come back from

and yet, and yet
even in their desperation
they show up
they care for their wounds
they fight with small acts of resistance
brave and broken
how do you bear to watch

This is no ordinary love...

They love each other fiercely
each holding onto a hope for their friend
that they have lost grasp of for themselves
as they struggle against the demons in their heads

They yearn to see each other living freely
healthy and walking in the light
but each are too lost in their own darkness
to lead the way to safety

They tell us each other's distressing secrets
each hoping that we will know how to intervene
while holding tightly to their own truths
too frightened to risk honesty

But our intercession will not succeed
until they seek hope for themselves
desire to see their own lives filled with light
tell their own secrets and love themselves with ferocity

Until then we can only bear witness
walk beside them with compassion
and pray that they will come to know their worth
through that fierce love

Let's let the stars watch let them stare...

Donald Miller wrote about his belief, "I have hope Jesus is our hope. I have nothing else." This seems like the perfect combination of optimism and uncertainty.

I've come to realize that one of the things I need to keep myself balanced is to regularly read writing that expresses both brokenness and hope. It helps me to remember that I'm not alone in facing the darkness and that I need not get stuck in despair. 

Tonight I went to yoga and then lay out in the back yard stargazing... you can't get much more peace-filled than that.

In August I was...

Listening... to Macklemore live in the pouring rain
Reading... Trauma Stewardship, learning to care for my heart and mind
Watching... all of Orange is the New Black
Eating... healthier, a little bit, maybe
Drinking... club soda with lemon
Wearing... purple in my hair
Feeling... overwhelmed but hopeful
Wanting... better weather
Needing... love and light to triumph over darkness
Thinking... about the future and potential Plan Bs
Enjoying... outdoor concerts, outdoor movies, campfires, and the beach

don't give up

the last piece of the puzzle slides into place
in the shape of a frenzied story told long ago
a memory to which the only response is profanity

the complexity of her ongoing nightmare
leaves us sifting through the rubble of her brokenness
hoping to interpret her gut-wrenching signs of distress

before its too late

The Darkness Will Not Hide Me

This is a test

Do you really believe what you say you believe
When you say you will meet me where I am
Just how deep will you go to reach me before you turn back

How far into the darkness will you walk beside me
While your soul trembles and your heart breaks
What do I have to do before you go away


This is the answer

You can walk away from me but I will not walk away from you
My soul will tremble, my heart will break, and tears will fall
But even while I shake I will stand beside you in the darkness
Illuminating the path that leads to the light
Praying for the chains to be broken
Waiting to hold your hand when you are ready
To take that first brave step 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.                  [Psalm 139:11-12]

Things I would tell you...

• Sometimes you look at where you are and realize that when you choose a path it is to the exclusion of all other paths. Today feels heavy with lives unlived.
• I really wish I got along better with thunderstorms.
• What if the dentist is really a con-artist? Oh I have a tiny cavity that I don't feel and can't see? Sure drill away!
• We are, all of us, light filled. Honour each other's light.

In July I was...

Listening... to leaked songs from the new albums by Sara Bareilles and The Civil Wars
Reading... a tonne of books while on vacation
Watching... the first season of The New Girl all in one day
Eating... s'mores by the campfire
Drinking... coffee, coffee and more coffee
Wearing... sunscreen every day, no sunburns for this girl
Feeling... tired and grateful
Wanting... a longer vacation
Needing... to figure out a new rule of life
Thinking... about sustainability
Enjoying... a week at the cottage with great friends, great food, great weather, and great books

she watched her bridges burn down

were the bridges burned
or were they set ablaze
in a daring act of self preservation?
making a light in the darkness,
enough to guide the path away

she suddenly shows up on our doorstep
like a stray, an orphan
simultaneously guarded and vulnerable
desperate for help and a solid place to rest
but terrified to trust it, to trust us

know that this bridge is fireproof
we celebrate your resilience
and acts of resistance
we will hold your hand
as you grieve over the ashes
and labour beside you
as you begin to create
a new foundation on which to stand

Things I would tell you...

• It only takes a second to go from feeling loved to lonely, that's how you know the loneliness is a lie
• I love doing things and going places on my own, but every time there is an event I wish I had someone to show up beside me
• Brownies made out of healthy ingredients taste healthy, you can't trick yourself
• Baking is good for my soul

In June I was...

Listening... to Macklemore on repeat preparing for the concert at the end of July
Reading... things that are healing. My favourite was Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton
Watching... One Tree Hill all over again from the beginning
Eating... home made funnel cakes at work and BBQ steak on my birthday (thanks to my little bro)
Drinking... delicious fruity red wine sangria
Wearing... flip flops only, no more toes suffocating in shoes this season
Feeling... celebrated and loved
Wanting... less raining and humidity
Needing... a check up for my car
Thinking... about my life's work and the future
Enjoying... turning 30!

Carry On Warrior

Show up. Even when you're scared.
Do the next right thing. Even though you're shaking.

Life is really hard. But together we can do hard things.

Life is beautiful and life is brutal.
Life is brutiful, all the time, everyday.

                                                      [Glennon Doyle Melton]

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you...

I can see her thoughts running away
Despite her efforts to secure them
A look of childlike confusion comes over her face
Betrayed by her own mind

She sits alone drawing
Afraid to go outside
One foot stands firmly in reality
While the other is crossing the line

Into a world that's all her own
A world full of zombies and aliens
Violence surrounds
She cannot find safety

She searches for an anchor
To ground her to what is real
But an inner battle rages
As her sickness whispers lies

crystal

I do not want to see
the images you paint with your confessions
but the eye of the imagination
does not close

I can't stop the vision
of the needle in your arm
chemicals flowing into your veins
allowing you to escape
but stealing your innocence

you are compelled to tell me
every detail of the desecration
while you speak
my soul cries

everything in me
wants the flow of words to stop
but I am here to bear witness
and so I listen