There's no shame in having to crawl...

Make the Most - Brett Dennen

And in the morning when I rise
one question that feels like the sun in my eyes
am I making the most of this life
so much trouble and so much strife
and in my guilty hour
through all of my shame
when all my love is run sour I have no one else to blame
cause it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
cause it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
make the most of this life

when I fall I fall hard
and I dwell to often in my faults
I must accept it and move on
there’s just no shame in having to crawl
because it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
because it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
oh make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
just make the most of this life

and if you come to me smiling
I will see you shining out from within
such a beautiful grin
falling down on me and freckling my skin
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup of life

Is he dark enough, enough to see your light?

I feel discouraged
Two people said no to me today when I asked them to be references for grad school
It's awful hard to get in if you can't find people to endorse you as a good candidate
Is this the right path for me or am I just wasting time and money?
Should I even be applying?

I trust that God has a place for me somewhere in September
I just wish I had some hint as to where that was...

I AM FULLY KNOWN
                                          -1 Cor 13:12

Yup... my hair is blue :)

Oh Christmas Tree...

Today I bought my very own Christmas tree.
He's just a little guy (only 3 ft tall) but he's all dressed up for Christmas.
Does this mean I'm all growed up now?

The pictures that she left behind are just memories of a different life...

I stay up too late
until my eyes are so heavy
that I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow

This way I'm not alone in the dark
with sad thoughts
that sneak into my head
even though I'm content

She sits alone with her silent songs...

Lately, I think about South Africa every day.
In 3 weeks it will have been one year since I borded a plane in Toronto and flew across the ocean
Day in and day out my head is filled with vivid memories
Of people, places, experiences from half way around the world.
The wanderlust has returned.

Only this time I don't know how to cure it
Lack of funds keeps me from running away to someplace exotic
(and I have no OSAP to fall back on this time around)

At this point in my life, its as if I cannot fathom staying in one place for any great length of time
The thought of getting up every day and going to the same job
Doing the same things, for an indefinate amount of time
Makes me feel smothered

People say that if you find the right job
That the idea will no longer be suffocating
But I disagree
Because I adore my job
But I still feel weighed down
By getting up, day after day, going to the same place
Doing the same things
Even though this amazing job, that I love
Offers me as much variety as I want to create

Maybe this feeling is not due to the nature of work
But the fact that I let myself get overloaded
So that every day is work
And no days are just fun

Now that I have quit one of my jobs
We will see if it gets any better
If I feel more free

If I don't
I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life...

Be the long awaited answer...

The butterflies in my tummy
Are all atwitter
Over a faint possibility
That is probably nothing
But a hope and a dream

From the Inside Out...

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Thankful...

I love sitting out on my balcony in the night air,
wrapped in a blanket, drinking hot chocolate, listening to the rain fall.
It is a good place to think, to reflect, to pray.
I'm alone in the quite of the night
Alone with my thoughts and prayers
Alone with God.

Tonight I sit
Full of thanks (and of turkey)
Gratitude for all the help and grace extended to me
A dream come to fruition
A 'family' brought together

All this seems strange and untrue...

Sorry for the lack of postings here lately, it seems as though my inner dialogue has been more internal than usual resulting in more paper journaling and fewer thoughts written here for the world to see.

Its wierd not being in school. The not going to classes part is fine but I find that I don't know what to do with myself when I have spare time, probably because I'm not used to having spare time. There have always been chapters to be read and papers to be written, things that i should be doing instead of sitting around. But now there is nothing I should do, so I have to figure out what I want to do, because sitting around is getting boring.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the empty space I feel in my heart, the one that I think needs to be filled with relationships. Generally we are taught that God is supposed to fill the hole ("there's a God shaped hole in all of us...") but the bible also said that it was not good for man to be alone... so i can't quite figure out if it is right that I'm looking for another person to make me feel less alone or if I should be able to get what I need from God?

If I just lay here, would you lie with me, and just forget the world...

Last night, unable to sleep, staring up into the darkness, I wonder what it is that is disturbing my happiness. How could I suddenly feel so mixed up and unable to find peace. Then it hits me, I'm starting two new jobs and moving all in the same week. Wierd how things can effect you so much and you not even realize it. Stress is a funny thing...

Tonight, truth spoken from the mouth of the intoxicated leaves me questioning. A broken relationship that I'm ok without until I see how it upsets others. Can I fix it? Is it worth fixing?

Then an email from across the ocean brings tears to my eyes as I'm overwhelmed with missing my South African who is a million miles away.

Its late and I have to actually wake up tomorrow at a normal time... but I have the feeling that even when I put this technology to bed for the night sleep will illude me.
My mom always said that laying in the dark with your eyes closed is almost as good as real sleep... I guess I'll give it a shot.

Waterloo

Here
my heart
is healing

Amen

This is us learning how to be who we are...

It is the truth
about our identity
we seek and find
in humility
in quiet listening
in gentle forgiveness
in love
                 -Rosie O

Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind...

"I have not been myself, or perhaps I have been myself.
How do you know?
How do you know you are yourself?
That is the burning question."
                                                          -Jann Arden


(P.S. Five days until I move back to Waterloo... Yippee!)

Prayer was easy when it was easy to exist...

I used to have a strong prayer life.

I spent a lot of time in prayer, I lead others in prayer, it was usually my first response to whatever I was faced with. But over the last few years that has dwindled to the point where I rarely will sit down and just pray. I’ll throw up a prayer of thanks when faced with something good, or a call for help when I come across a situation I don’t know how to handle, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. I still desire to draw closer to God, to follow His plan for my life… but I cannot get myself to sit down, just me and God, and talk.
I’ve been struggling for a long time now to figure out how I got to this place, why prayer is such a chore… this weekend I was reading a book by Anne Lamott and I recognized part of my struggle…

I’m overwhelmed.

If I sit down to pray suddenly the troubling things I have to bring before my God becomes more than I can handle… a never ending list of pain and struggle. It seems as though no matter how long I sit in prayer there is always one more person or event that needs God’s attention… situations that I don’t know how to help, how to fix, where prayer is my only defence, so if I don’t pray for them, I’m not doing anything at all.

…………………………..

Over the weekend I saw on the news the family of a Canadian soldier who was killed in Afghanistan. A reserve soldier, not someone who was planning on going into battle. There is only one year until my brother graduates from Royal Military College and gets stationed somewhere and it doesn’t look like Canada is going to be pulling out of Afghanistan anytime soon. I’m afraid.

Friends devote their lives to bringing light to dark places. I need them to be safe.

I went and saw An Inconvenient Truth with Kat and Laura a while ago, the reality of what is happening to our planet is shocking. It left me with the realization that even if we find a way to feed the world and heal them of the curable diseases that cause so many deaths, an incredible amount of people will still die from flood, famine, or other natural disasters unless we can also heal our environment. It seems impossible.

I just graduated University, which means that a lot of my friends are feeling lost and without direction in their lives. First jobs are hard to find, and when they do come along they are often disappointing. Disillusionment abounds.

Sickness, struggle, heartbreak, loss of faith. Tears fall.

……………………………..

In An Inconvenient Truth Al Gore said that it is important that we don’t go from ignorance to despair, that we have to find a place to rest in the middle.

I don’t know how to be in the middle right now.

And so I find myself unable to pray...

In this world there is a kind of painful progress, longing for what we've left behind and dreaming ahead.
                                                                                                              (Angels in America)

Can I handle the seasons of my life...

Maybe it is because time seems to have flown by so fast,
Because a thousand yesterdays came and went in the blink of an eye,
That is comes as such a shock to me every time I'm faced with how much things have changed.
People who were strangers have become my closest friends, my supports, my joy
While those I held so close let months go by without talking
And when contact is finally made can't seem to remember where it is that I've been living for the last six months.

I'm stepping over a deep canyon, from one piece of earth to another,
And I fear losing myself in the deep darkness that is between.
I feel the ground of the old life begin to crumble beneath me
Before I find sure footing on the other side.
Should I try and hold onto what I have left of the old
Or do I make the leap and hope that there is solid ground on the other side to catch me as I fall?

"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take a step into the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something for us to stand on or we will be taught how to fly"
-Patrick Overton

Take my world apart...

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

There are so many things that i want to say, but i've forgotten how to let them out...

"I'm alright I guess
But there's so much wrong
But there's so much right"

Whats my age again?

I graduate university this Thursday
One week later I will turn 23
Looks like I'm an adult now
Is this what it feels like to be a grown up?

I feel immature
I feel inexperienced
I feel unaccomplished
I feel like I'm 17

When do we start feeling our age?

If there's only room for one in the world in which you live, your world is in need...

This afternoon I found this quote online from Stephen Baldwin, an actor who calls himself a born again Christian:
"You would do far more good if you preached the gospel of Jesus, rather than trying to get Third World debt relief, God will take care of that Third World country. Get back to your calling, Bono."

First of all, dissing Bono is a great way to piss off a lot of people really fast.
Second, have you read your bible lately?

"Every third year you must offer a special tithe of your crops. You must give these tithes to the Levites,
foreigners, orphans, and widows so that they will have enough to eat in your towns." -Deuteronomy 26:12

"`Cursed is anyone who is unjust to foreigners, orphans, and widows.'" -Deuteronomy 27:19

"Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in
their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us." -James 1:27

And what better way could we describe the wreckage left behind by AIDS and poverty in the Third World than "widows and orphans"?
Or how about:

"Then these righteous ones will reply, `Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and
give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did
we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' And the King will tell them, `I assure you, when you did
it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" -Matthew 25:37-40

Would ending Third World debt not act as a way to feed the hungry?

And what about the founders of our faith:

"Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words" -St. Francis of Assisi

What a narrow view of the redeeming work that God wants to work through us to perform that Stephen is presenting!
God doesn't just want to hear an acknowledgement of His name, he wants to restore the creatures and the earth that He created to their original splendor and he gives US the honour of working along side Him in that restoration of beauty. Not only does He want to restor our hearts but our bodies (heaven is described as a place with no more sickness in Revelations... I'm thinking God meant AIDS too) and our environment. And ANY work that contributes to achieving this is a work for God, whether the individual doing it knows it or not.
Don't close your eyes to suffering and injustice saying God will talk care of it... God IS taking care of it, He's sending Bono, He's sending you, He's sending me....

It's like I'm not me...

I can't wait to move back to Waterloo

Thought of the day...

"Perhaps we fear our dreams’ fulfillment more than this longing interminable because we sense the problem is not in our circumstances, but restlessness." -Anna Broadway

Did I grow up according to your plan?

I've been thinking more about my last post, about being a product of what we were taught when we were young, this time in regards to the situation with my parents and their dissapproval of my interning at The Embassy next year.

My whole life, from when I was born until I was old enough to drive myself, I went to church with my family every Sunday. When I got into high school I told my parents that I didn't want to go any more, but that wasn't an option. For some reason, instead of sulking about it, I decided to make the most of the situation and I joined the churches youth group. Eventually I switched to the youth group at Forest Brook because thats where my friends went, and I began exploring the faith, and came to actually believe in what I was being taught and invested my heart in the church. By making me go to church every week my parents instilled in me that church is something of value, and it became something of value to me.

While my brothers and I were growing up my mom didn't work. Other than being busy taking care of us she volunteered at our school, she was probably there three or four days a week, working in each of our classrooms, running bookfairs, organizing lunch days, etc. Instead of taking a part time job while we were at school and adding to the family income she spent her time volunteering, because volunteering a valuable way to spend your time, and it taught me that volunteering is a valuable way to spend my time.

However, when I combined these values together and decided to spend next year volunteering at The Embassy, my parents were somehow surprised and dissappointed by my decision. But given the way I was raised, what exactly did they think was going to happen???

"Welcome to the real world" she said to me, condescendingly, "take a seat" ...

I think I may have a problem with authority, this was brought to my attention this morning by someone I work under (oops), and the more I thought about it, the more I'm not surprised. A lot of things we are taught when we are young show up in our actions when we grow up, and for some reason people are often surprised by this.
Take my problem with authority for example. When I was in elementary school I was identified as a gifted student. Most of the special funding in schools goes to helping kids who have intellectual disabilities, or just trouble keeping up, and the teacher is busy with the 20 or so kids who are working at the grade level, leaving those of us who are ahead of the curve to fend for ourselves (especially since I went to a Catholic school where they don't believe in skipping grades). For me this meant a lot of independent work, and I mean A LOT. The teacher would give us a project (usually with alot of wiggle room for us to take it in a direction that interested us) send us to the library, maybe check in with us a few times, and then talk to us again when it was done. We also had some enrichment classes which taught us alot about critical thinking and problem solving. So basically there was a lot of freedom and a lot of self direction, you want to take the project in a different direction? Sure! You want to leave class and go work in the library? Sure! You want to help the librarian check out books for the kindergartens instead of doing class work? Sure! In high school I was in a lot of enriched classes which gave us similar freedom and I was also given leadership training galore.
So what is the result of all this? I like to be in charge of myself of course! What did you think would happen?! If you put me in charge of a project but still try to micromanage and get it done your way instead of just letting go, I'm not going to be really receptive to your ideas, I'm used to doing things on my own in my own way. And if you make a suggestion and I see a major flaw in it, I'm not just going to smile and nod, I'm going to point it out and suggest an alternative because I've been taught to analyze and problem solve.

I see similar issues happening in society as a whole. I've read various media reports saying that our generation is unmotivated and has no work ethic... to that I say, what did you expect?? We were told that if we worked hard at school and went to University the world would be our oyster. We watched our parents be miserable with jobs they didn't enjoy, so they put even more pressure on us to go to University so that we wouldn't end up like them. So here we are, with our degrees, expecting a job to fall in to our lap. But guess what? Its alot harder than everyone said it would be! The baby boomers haven't retired yet so we are stuck in menial jobs and have little to no authority (and I'm sure I'm not the only one with authority issues). We jump around between jobs and companies looking for something that will pay us well and make us happy, because that's what we were promised.

It's a funny paradox, the generation that worked so hard to empower us are now frustrated when we exert that power.
How do we bridge this gap?

--------------------------------------------------------

Father God,
Forgive me my pride, my arrogence, my resentment. Change this heart in me, make me aware of my feelings and actions. I am too weak and sinful to change on my own but I pray that Your holy spirit would fill me and give me Your heart, Your character. Lord you came as a humble servant, help me to serve those around me with love and humility.

Oh kneel me down again,
here at Your feet
Show me how much You love humility
Oh Spirit be the star that leads me to
The humble heart of love I see in You

You are the God of the broken
The friend of the weak
You wash the feet of the weary
Embrace the ones in need
I want to be like You, Jesus
To have this heart in me
You are the God of the humble
You are the humble King

Amen

All the mundane has brought out the rebel I was born to be...

Rebel:
1. To refuse allegiance to and oppose by force an established government or ruling authority.
2. To resist or defy an authority or a generally accepted convention.
3. To feel or express strong unwillingness or repugnance

I never thought that choosing to intern at The Embassy next year would turn out to be a rebellious act, but it has. I mean, spending a year volunteering at a church, seems like a pretty goody-two-shoes move, but people around me seem to see it as defiant and crazy. Some, like my Dad who is slightly enraged by my irresponsibility, show disapproval which threatens my belief that I'm making the right choice, while others, like my capitalism-loving friend who cannot comprehend the idea of not making money next year, genuinly don't understand and their questions challenge me and force me to re-examine my decision... but whether they are respectful or crushing, it is still a lack of support.

But that's only half the story... on the other hand I have amazing friends who listened to me work through all my options, prayed for me and encouraged me, told me what they saw in me and where they thought I would be happy, sent emails telling me that they were proud of me or checking how I was doing, and supported me every step of the way. I know that God is working through these people, watching out for me and lifting me up when the negative voices start to get louder than the loving ones... Thank you.

Love is in the air....

Candlelit night in Waterloo park
A gazebo filled with candles and tulips
Two of my best friends promise to love each other forever
Congratulations Innis and Curtis
Love you both
I know this is the beginning of an amazing adventure

Be careful with each other, these fragile flames...

Over dinner the other night, a friend and I both admitted that we feel as though we have become negative people. We both said that in high school we were very cheerful, the kind of person who always had a smile on their face (in fact I can remember being asked more than once if I ever stopped smiling), always had a kind word to say, happy. But now, we felt negative, maybe jaded, that we had lost that perma-smile. While we were both able to assure the other that neither of us came off as a negative person by the worlds standards, the fact that we feel this way probably indicates that some sort of change has taken place.
Is this a change that takes place in everyone? Does the weight of life inevitably harden our hearts, even if its just a little bit? I'm in no way saying that my life has been especially hard or that I'm now a cold hearted person. But, like anyone, I have experienced hurt and dissapointment, I have seen things that frustrated and jaded m heart, and I feel like that has changed the way I react to things and people around me. I'm a little quicker to get frustrated, a little quicker to judge, a little quicker to close myself off, a little quicker to take offence. So I wonder, is there any way to heal the damage done? Am I going to little by little be overcome or can I stand up and fight for my innocence, for the light hearted joy and forgiveness that I long for.
Or was I ever that light hearted? Maybe I was just better at hiding it back then and now my tolerance level is lower and I can't quite keep my negative feelings underwraps. Is it better that I'm now being honest about my feelings? Or does it just reveal that I need to change something in my heart?

"I am convinced that tragedy wants to harden us and that our mission is to never let it."

I don't want to feel like this, no it's not meant to be like this...

The events of today have left me wondering, where is the line between being the bigger person and being a doormat? Or is there even a line? Maybe they are the one and the same.
Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles." (Matthew 5:38-41)
This passage flies in the face of the idea of standing up for yourself and avoiding being trampled on by other people in your life. However, these sentiments only seem to apply to certain types of relationships. If I were in a dating relationship with someone who was causing me hurt (I'm not talking physical abuse, just not treating me the way I think I deserve to be treated) no one would expect me to stay and try and fix the relationship. However, if I was having the same problem with a friend, walking away would be frowned upon.
When do you stand up and fight and when do you turn the other cheek?
Or should we always turn the other cheek?
How do I stay true to my desire not to cause others pain and sadness without putting myself in a situation that hurts?

It hurts when you disapprove all along...

He disagrees with many, if not most, of the choices that I make in my life.
His judgement has weighed me down time and time again.
I've come to terms with the fact that at our core we are fundamentally different,
He does not know me, and therefore cannot know what is best for me.
So why do I still let him make me cry?

Face to palm, tear to tear, mouth to tongue...

Life is faintly bittersweet
Built up only to be torn down
Joy tempered by sadness
Frustration and tears fill thoughts of the past
A longing for the future
The present is wasted
Shivering in the cold
Needing warmth and light
Waiting for the chance
For a full heart
To be whole

I want to live bravely and love without fear...

A friend of mine is working on an art project, she asked a bunch of people to answer a question and she is going to illustrate their answers and put it together in a book. She left it pretty open ended, the answer could be a word, a sentence, a page... whatever you needed. I can't wait to see the finished product!
The question she asked was:
What do you value most/what is most important to you in life?

This was my answer:

LOVE: 1. God is love (1 John 4:8)
2. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
    not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is
    not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not
    delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
    trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails
    (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
3. Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only
    what you are expecting to give – which is everything
    (Katharine Hepburn)
4. The only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love
     (Mother Teresa)
5. Love can transform the world.
6. Every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love
    over fear (Oprah)
7. That love is all there is, is all we know of love (Emily Dickinson) 

There are children standing here, arms outstreched into the sky, no one asks the question why..

I'm watching Oprah doing a special report on Hurricane Katrina... it's breaking my heart.
WHY in the most powerful country in the world are people living in third world conditions 5 months after the fact. And the worst part about it is the knowledge that people are living like this not only in Mississippi but in more countries than I can count, all over the world.
WHY after experiencing first hand such terrible devastation and pain does the US continue to create the same pain in other places. A read the other day about man who's son came home on leave from Baghdad to visit his home in New Orleans and said basically that even though they spend every day bombing the crap out of Baghdad, the devastation in New Orleans was worse.
WHY does the US spend an obscene amount of money on wars protecting other countries from their evil leaders who are causing them harm not put the same effort into protecting their own citizens from harm.
WHY can't the richest, most intelligent, most powerful country and people in the world not figure out how to clean up a mess... yes its a big, huge, colossal mess, yes it will require some creative thinking, yes it will take a lot of money and resources... but guess what, ignoring it isn't going to make it go away, get your head out of the sand and start to do something, any action is better than nothing.

WHY God in a country that claims to be following You, with a president who claims to serve You, in a place where they have every blessing do they not look in the face of the homeless, the motherless and the childless, those steeped in poverty, and victims of tragedy... why do they not see You?

"Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?" He will reply, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." - Matthew 25:44-45

This road that we travel, may it be the strait and narrow...

I stand at a cross-roads, an infinite number of possible paths stretch out before me, the possibilities are endless. But I can't just stand here, I have to keep moving. The questions is, which way to go? Each possibility has its own set of pros and cons, but the thing is, I don't just want to make the choice with the best risk-benefit ratio, I want to walk on the best path, the one fulfills God's plans for my life. So I sit and pray and wait... wondering if the desires in my heart are from God, or whether they stem from my own motives and selfishness. Make clear to me Lord the way you want me to go, I only want to follow you, let me hear your voice...
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying "This is the way; walk in it." " -Isaiah 30:21

I've been running from these demons for most of my life...

... but I still feel them watching me in the middle of the night.
---------------------------------------------------------
To all my friends who help chase away my demons,
Thank you for making me feel loved and cared for :)
When I start to feel like I'm going to hit rock bottom,
you never fail to show up and cushion my fall.

Facing your fears...

Pursue your dreams not because you are immune to heartbreak
but because your real life, your whole life,
is worth getting your heart broken a few thousand times.

Gotta kick at the darkness till it bleed daylight...

SO, its been a long few weeks. After getting denied graduation, waiting with bated breath to find out if the school was going to have mercy on me and let me take more classes this term, getting into the classes and being a month behind, getting over emotional about my relationships, leaving The Embassy, moving in general, and I'm sure a hundred other things, surviving a full week of hating every second of my job and therefore getting very very restless, applying to work at camp, getting told that none of the jobs I wanted at camp were available, resigning myself to staying at this job, getting my bank card canceled, missing the bus a few times, and generally feeling sorry for myself... I finally feel like I'm getting my footing back. Sure, my emotions are still a bit roller-coaster like, but you think I should be getting used to it now. I've still got a ways to go but I think I'm getting back on track.
On a side note, does anyone else perpetually feel like people don't like them or are mad at them? Because I do... and it sucks. I have to remind myself on a daily basis (and on bad days a moment to moment basis) that I'm paranoid (or am I? haha).
Remember Sara, just because people aren't showing love the way you would or the way you want them to does not mean they don't care about you.

All I want is the wind in my hair, to face the fear but not feel scared...

Note to anyone who's reading this: Sorry for not posting anything but song lyrics lately... I've been going through a lot of stuff and finding it difficult to put into words what I feel... the closest I can come is through music that I feel captures my emotions... that said, here is another song!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequences
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Domestic Divas Do Dinner...

13 fabulous people
10 pounds of potatoes
7 hours of slaving over a hot stove
5 dishes all made from scratch
3 dozen yorkshire pudding
2 pies
1 uber-epic feast...

Innis and I are clearly going to make wonderful housewives ;)

Release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin...

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Ready to be somebody with a story to tell...

Stuck in a world no longer turning
Always the girl waiting for something
Spent too many days walking around sleeping
Open my eyes, i'm tired of dreaming

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like
To feel alive

Sun on my face, lights of a city
Maybe in love or just leaning to be
On my two feet i can only imagine
I'll say the words and believe it'll happen

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like
To feel alive

They think they know me but how can they know me
I'm getting to know myself
I'm finally ready to be somebody
With a story to tell

I wanna run with a reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like

I wanna feel till my heart breaks wide open
I wanna blaze like a fire thats blowing
Even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like
To feel alive (oh i feel alive)

Every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die...

I've actually read about this on other blogs, but the experience of it on Saturday struck me in such a way that I'm going to say it again...
We are at a time in our life where when we say goodbye to people, we don't always know when we are going to see them again. On Saturday afternoon within the space of about two hours, I said goodbye to two of my friends, one for probably two years and the other for four months. The thing that was so unlike me is that I didn't get upset. Am I getting so use to saying goodbyes that I'm becoming jaded to the loss? Its becoming the norm that people I care about are spread out all over the world, and as we start to graduate its only going to become more so, and being finished school its not as if we are all going to end up back in Waterloo when our travels come to an end. The future is so unknown...

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word for you: Leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

I wasn't ready for it to be the last time...

I think I believed that if someone somewhere desired me that the memory of that experience would keep me from feeling alone. But instead the experience of having felt wanted makes the absence of that feeling that much more intense.

Leaving time again...

Tomorrow I move to Guelph to settle into another new house and start another new job. People keep asking me if I'm excited, but to be totally honest, I'm not. In fact, the pro's and con's of the situtation are pretty much even leaving me neither dreading or anticipating the change that I'm about to make. Despite all my doubts, the only thing that could have made the situation better is if I was in the same city as all my friends because this job is an amazing opportunity right out of school, it is in my field, it pays well, it is only a seven month contract which leaves my options open for next year, my apartment is a good price and its nice and clean and new looking. Plus, the whole situation has God's fingerprints all over it as it came to me so easily (when I usually struggle so much with finding a job) and I can't imagine that God would hand me all of this and move me to Guelph just to be unhappy. So, even though I'm not brimming with excitement at the moment, I'm going to trust that God has good things waiting for me...