All I could do was love you hard and let you go

I will bear witness to your life
With it's trauma and tragedy
Courage and miracles
Betrayal and terror
Incredible strength

I will mourn for you
I will hold hope for you
I will fear for you
I will pray for you
I will love you

Because everyone's life deserves to be witnessed

Because why not me

Because you are worthy

Does someone hug you when you cry?

Perhaps the pain is emotional, she suggests
examining the stiffness in my neck
lean into it
ask it what it is telling you

I tell her about a frustration
I am having with a coworker
but I know that is only a small sliver
of what I am carrying

These days my hope is tenuous
the pain is telling me of the burden of grief
grief for things yet to be, that might never be
but they are heavy all the same

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

The setting sun reflects on the tree's buds
Making it look like the branches are tipped with gold
But all the while people are dying
Losing their battle with whatever it is that haunts them

At the funeral they say that he is looking down on them from heaven
The people looking on lament that we can't be sure
But I can't conceive of a good God who would let someone suffer so much in life
And then not welcome them home when the suffering finally ends

Still I can see little children chasing ducks
And hear birds singing their spring songs
Every day brave people show up to their lives and keep fighting
We all hold on to the hope that in the end love wins

Love has to win

Are we out of the woods?

i carry this grief
with groans too deep
for words

who else is mourning
this half a life?

in this darkness
there is weeping
and gnashing of teeth

when will the scales of justice
tip towards light?

I keep going to the river to pray...

I wish
you didn't think I love you more than your mom does

I wish
you didn't believe you are alive because of me

I wish
you didn't look at yourself with hatred and shame

I wish
every day wasn't a battle against the darkness

I wish
for a different past, a different world

Where you were loved
and made to feel worthy

Where your vulnerability was honoured
and you were kept safe

Where I didn't have to radically accept
that this is how things are

I wish
I wish
I wish

2014 in numbers...

113 movies
41 books
6 blog posts
5 concerts
4 countries
3 shift partners
2 homes
1 year

anger, tears, foolishness...

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. [Margaret Mead]

loud silence
smothering space

the solitude would be
improved by you

i'd rather be
alone together

We are Easter people living in a Good Friday world [Barbara Johnson]

Darkness came over all the land and Jesus cried out in a loud voice "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”...  And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open.  [Matthew 27:45, 46, 50, 51]

--------------------

the darkness endures

we too feel forsaken

as we are waiting

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

every step towards the kingdom

is hard fought and won

we are begging for mercy

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

mourning hearts crushed spirits

the cost of sin

leaves humanity broken

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

trying to bring light

grasping for hope

growing weary of waiting

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

my heart is with your heart -- my messy beautiful

In my work as a youth addiction counsellor I talk to my young people about that voice in their head, the voice of their addiction, that speaks in lies. It tells them they are not worthy, not loved, not capable and leads them down the path to numbness and destruction. This voice blocks out the light and love in the world and makes them think there is only darkness and loneliness.

I encourage them to engage in acts of resistance -- truth telling, showing up, feeling feelings, and doing hard things. And they do. They show up with their broken hearts and speak courageously about their painful lives. They let themselves be seen and known. They fight for their lives, until they can't, then they don't, and then they bravely get up and start fighting again.

There is a voice in my head too and it also deals in lies and blocks out the light. It's the voice of fear. It keeps me afraid that one day there will be too many drugs, too much sadness, too much pain and one of those precious souls won't be able to get up and continue the fight. This fear convinces me to keep my emotions under wrap, to not speak up, and not to push too hard. Because what if I do and they stop confiding, stop showing up, stop trying? The fear wears me down and then one day I catch myself thinking that if the unthinkable did happen, at least it would end this painful cycle.

I also need to engage in acts of resistance -- truth telling, letting my real emotions show, and doing it scared. So I do. I keep loving them fiercely, I let them see me cry, I tell the truth, and ask the hard questions. And even when the darkness threatens, I hold on to the light of hope.

There's not much of a difference between me and these kids.... we are all doing hard things and doing it scared, trying to bring light to the darkness with our honesty and authenticity.... we are all messy and beautiful...

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!

Carry your world and all your hurt...

In a million ways
its not OK
I watch you struggle
under the weight of it

heavy heart, weary soul, reckless mind

six year old fingers
pressing down
on black and white keys

brain expanding
naming notes
picking out a melody

backs of small hands
decorated
with happy faces

three dots
eyes and a nose
all in purple marker

but instead of a face
my weary mind
sees track marks

a shadow of hope in every heartbreak

there is a crack in the dam around your heart
I see the pain pouring in

holding my hand against the wound
I pray under my breath

please don't die
please don't die

growing weary and losing hope
that this crack would ever be repaired

one day you gather the courage
to put your own hand in the gap

slowly you restore the dam
healing it with bravery and truth

you work so hard
I am so proud

but behind the dam
the pressure builds

another crack
more pain pouring out

you see the fracture
but exhaustion overtakes you

I can live with it you say
with sorrow in your eyes

once again I stand
with my hand against the wound

praying under my breath
until your strength returns

There's something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He's doing...

It would appear that she is one
that providence forgot
I have desperately questioned
how God could stand idly by

But as I watched seemingly impossible plans
fall into place
I wondered in how many little ways
His hand has protected her

She's walked sixteen years
among depravity and darkness
yet the precious light in her heart
has stunningly been guarded

As she travels with the hope
that this is the beginning of a different life
go before her and prepare a place for her
filled with grace and mercy

In the midst of her treacherous climb
out of the shadows of her past
grow the light in her heart ever stronger
in the knowledge that she is worthy of being loved

---------------------------------------------------------

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.              
                                                                [Deuteronomy 31:8]

I lift my eyes up...

climbing out from under the legacy your mother pulled her into
          lamenting, grieving, confused, and sorrow filled
shedding the weight of her own choices
          regretful, ashamed, disgusted and afraid
no wonder she chooses not to think or feel
rather than experience her world
how can we ask her to encounter her emotions in all their intensity?
could anyone stand up under their burden?

her foot slips
she is harmed
where will her help come from?

In September I was...

Listening... to The Civil Wars... love love love it, please get back together!
Reading... Ragged Company, along with the rest of Waterloo Region for One Book One Community
Watching... fall premiers... loving New Girl, Parenthood, and the final season of How I Met Your Mother
Eating... less grains and sugar, more veggies and protein
Drinking... the first pumpkin spice latte of the year
Wearing... sweaters but refusing to give up my flip flops
Feeling... healthier
Wanting... a new bed because mine keeps falling apart
Needing... love and belonging
Thinking... about cleaning and purging my apartment, but not actually doing it
Enjoying... seeing Waiting for Godot at the Stratford Festival

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why...

dear God,
how do you bear to watch your babies
in so much pain they pierce their skin
twenty-six puncture wounds
slashes on arms, ribs, legs
toeing the line of a little too much, a little too deep
a mistake they can't come back from

and yet, and yet
even in their desperation
they show up
they care for their wounds
they fight with small acts of resistance
brave and broken
how do you bear to watch

This is no ordinary love...

They love each other fiercely
each holding onto a hope for their friend
that they have lost grasp of for themselves
as they struggle against the demons in their heads

They yearn to see each other living freely
healthy and walking in the light
but each are too lost in their own darkness
to lead the way to safety

They tell us each other's distressing secrets
each hoping that we will know how to intervene
while holding tightly to their own truths
too frightened to risk honesty

But our intercession will not succeed
until they seek hope for themselves
desire to see their own lives filled with light
tell their own secrets and love themselves with ferocity

Until then we can only bear witness
walk beside them with compassion
and pray that they will come to know their worth
through that fierce love

Let's let the stars watch let them stare...

Donald Miller wrote about his belief, "I have hope Jesus is our hope. I have nothing else." This seems like the perfect combination of optimism and uncertainty.

I've come to realize that one of the things I need to keep myself balanced is to regularly read writing that expresses both brokenness and hope. It helps me to remember that I'm not alone in facing the darkness and that I need not get stuck in despair. 

Tonight I went to yoga and then lay out in the back yard stargazing... you can't get much more peace-filled than that.

In August I was...

Listening... to Macklemore live in the pouring rain
Reading... Trauma Stewardship, learning to care for my heart and mind
Watching... all of Orange is the New Black
Eating... healthier, a little bit, maybe
Drinking... club soda with lemon
Wearing... purple in my hair
Feeling... overwhelmed but hopeful
Wanting... better weather
Needing... love and light to triumph over darkness
Thinking... about the future and potential Plan Bs
Enjoying... outdoor concerts, outdoor movies, campfires, and the beach