Wednesday, October 31, 2007

My words like silent raindrops fell..

I am a good listener

I can take whatever you say to me
and not react
absorb it into me
and mull it over
ask you questions
to clarify your thoughts and feelings
but not show you how I feel
about what you have just revealed

But when I walk away
your words continue to echo
inside me
my feelings swell
and my mind races
I don't know what to do
with the reactions
that I can no longer suppress

Now I am alone
with what I didn't show you
because I am a good listener.


Friday, October 19, 2007

I hate the phone, but I wish you would call...

I'm starting to think that boys have no concept of the effect that they have on girls.
Did you really think you could say sweet things to a girl every day and not have her fall for you?
Do they mean to give mixed messages? Or are they just hopelessly clueless?
(which less face it, would make them even more adorable)
Or maybe its not the boys
Maybe I'm the one who's clueless and I just don't know how to read their signals
I have no answers
I guess I'll just continue to be confused...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Hear the silence call me home...

I'm deliciously tired...
Its not the warn out tired, the kind that tells me I've been doing too much
Its the content tired that comes from spending a weekend hanging out with friends and staying up late chatting
A satisfied tired that is the consequence of time well spent

It reminds of my need for Sabbath
Its something I've been reading about, thinking about, praying about
This morning Brandon spoke about it
Its a change I know I need to make
Something God is calling me to
I'm just not sure how it looks or where it fits
I'm still searching...

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Little cracks they escalate, before we knew it was too late...

As I read your words I feel a vice grip my lungs and I'm suddenly finding it hard to breathe
My heart beats harder and faster and everything starts to close in around me
You use me as your trash can as you dump all the poison that has been living in your heart onto me
I'm sorry
I hope you feel better

Friday, July 20, 2007

Where is God when it hurts?

Know that He is there my love, know that He is there.

He is closer than the rain on your skin, closer than the air in your lungs.

He is there crying your tears and feeling your broken heart.

He is there with a legion of angels to lift you up when you are about to fall.

He is there in your friends as we love you with all our strength.

He is there in the still silence as you watch your father slowly fade away.

He is there with open arms waiting to welcome him when he breaths his last.

Know that He is there dear one, know that He is there.

God is love, and you my darling are SO loved.

Monday, July 16, 2007

All is stripped away...

3:30am... what guards my mind has gone to sleep and everything I normally push away sneaks into my thoughts...

*Are my introverted tendancies reversing? Or have I found a group of people I'm so comfortable with that being with them is as easy as being alone? I hope that is true, it makes me happy to think so.

*When I think of you my thoughts immediately jump to the future... which is dangerous when we don't even have a today

*Do you realize that my heart breaks when you act as though I am not important or loved by you? Its only because you are very important to me

*When the people I love are absent a part of me is absent with them... something is missing... it feels empty

*I want to be the person God created me to be... but every day I fall so far short

*I miss my piano.... music is therapeutic

*I need to learn to handle stress better

*I need Jesus to be enough

Friday, June 22, 2007

Collapse into me tired with joy...

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
                                                   -Chris Tomlin

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Our lives are made in these small hours...


There are five days left in the month of May and yet all the things that happened seem to be a moment ago. A million moments happened, but were they lived? Time seems to keep speeding up, passing by faster and faster… am I experiencing my life to the fullest or is it just passing me by?
Let me tell you a story about May…
 
I moved… yet again…
The month started by me packing up all my belongings and trekking them across town… for those of you keeping track, yes, I lived in four different houses in nine months. And what did I learn this time around? All this moving is destroying my soul. As I was leaving Avondale I found boxes that I hadn’t even unpacked in the eight months that I lived there. My dad says that means I own too much stuff, but as I looked around my room and saw my nearly bare walls I knew that I had just never allowed myself to really settle in with the move-out date looming over my head. And so, after thinking seriously about not unpacking and living out of boxes for the next four months… I decided that wherever I move in September will be a place I can settle, at least for a little while. I have made a life here home and there is nothing that I can foresee on the horizon that will necessitate my leaving. Its kind of weird…deciding to put down roots… I’m kind of worried that as soon as I do something will come up in my life to call me away from here… but I know that I can’t keep going from house to house and never actually having a home… so adult life here I come ;)
 
A real full time job…
Anyone who has been around the Embassy for any length of time knows that change is the name of the game. I think if I had to describe the atmosphere of the Embassy in one word, change would be it. The latest big change is the cut back of one job, our office manager, which meant saying goodbye to Cynthia and hello to more work. I do appreciate the extra money and the chance to grow and learn new things… but the 10 extra hours and the million little jobs that I don’t quite know how to do have definitely added some chaos to my life!
 
South Africa returns…
On our drive to the Hamilton airport Laura and I were discussing how it had been one and half (me) to two (Laura) years since we had seen Jess and Tom… you can imagine how hyper with anticipation we were! Of course, as soon as we were together again it was as if we had never left. Jess mentioned at one point during the week that she felt the most herself when she was with us, that she could show any aspect of her personality and that we would accept and understand it… I feel the same way. As I stood in a dark parking lot crying as she drove away a few nights later I mentioned to Silas how odd it is that she was only here for six months, almost four years ago, and it changed the course of all of our lives and left us living with a piece of our hearts on the other side of the ocean. I miss my South African… good thing she will be back at the end of June!
 
 
Innis and Curtis got married!
It has been so amazing to be able to witness two friends that I met separately in first year meet, become friends, fall in love, and now get married. The wedding was absolutely beautiful, the weather, the people, everything. I’m so excited for them as they start this new part of their life together!
 
 
So that is May in a nutshell… I’m not sure if I’m hoping for a calmer June or if I’ll miss the chaos if its gone!
 
“Our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders these twists and turns of fate.
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain.”
                                       -Rob Thomas

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I know the heart of life is good...

As I awake the memory of his touch on my face still lingers...

Its funny how your dreams can fool your mind into believing they are real
and the emotions of what happened stay with you
Last night I dreamt that someone desired me
and today I have lived with the glow and security that comes from being wanted
but it wasn't real

Sunday, April 8, 2007

you look at me but do you see me...

Quiet Girl

I would liken you
To a night without stars
Were it not for your eyes

I would liken you
To a sleep without dreams
Were it not for your songs.
 
                                  -Langston Hughes