These memories seap from my veins...

I was training for the Distress Line all day on Saturday, learning about crisis deescalation and assessing for suicidal ideation... made me think about all the events of my OAC year... it surprises me how I remember some moments with such clarity and the emotions that accompany them are so strong, even 4 years later... I wonder if they will ever fade or if they will be something that I carry with me forever

sleep eludes me...

I feel my heart beat get stronger, my stomach begins to tighten, I toss and turn, and suddenly I'm staring wide eyed at the ceiling and become very aware that sleep is not coming any time soon. Does the late hour break down the barriers in my mind and let things that had been shoved to the unconsiouce seep out... or is my mind just so bored that it needs to find something to occupy its time? I'll be half asleep in front of the computer, but the second my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake. Maybe when this term is over my mind and body will calm down and I can get on a normal schedule again... one can only hope...

Spin me around and close my eyes...

Look down on us from the stars that You hung in the night sky
like millions of shining angels watching over us as we sleep.
Let Your love fall over us like their shimmering light.
Let it make us feel warm and safe and wash away our insecurities and fear.
As we sleep fill our minds with dreams and ambitions
and when we awake give us the courage to chase after them.
May Your love give us power.
You created us with a purpose,
through us You will change the world.
When the load gets too heavey to bear
and we are wandering the earth feeling that we are unloveable,
let us look at the stars and be reminded that
God so loved the world...

Our Greatest Fear...

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- By Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love

The worlds on fire its more than I can handle...

I just read a story about a ship that sank and 24 people managed to survive on the lifeboat. Unfortunately they were a long way from shore and the lifeboat was only made for 10 and wasn't going to make it if everyone stayed on board. The only crewman who made it onto the lifeboat was put in charge so he had to choose who was going to be left at sea. Miraculously, when they finally got to shore, 12 people had survived. At first they were so thankful to the crewman who had saved them but eventually they began to feel guilty for having survived when so many others parished and they turned on the crewman and charged him with murding those he left behind. He did his best but it wasn't enough...

I'm sure this isn't a true story, but it got me thinking. I've always been a helper, wanting to do things to help/save people. For a long time I think I was avoiding being aware of all that needs fixing in the world, maybe I thought that if I let some of it in I would have to let it all in, and then like that guy in the lifeboat the little bit that I was able to do would never be enough to help all that I could see was wrong.

I see the world for what it is now, I had experiences in my life that I could not ignore, that opened my eyes to all that was around me. Did it overwhelm me like I feared it would? Sometimes... I was watching some of the highlight reel from the Live 8 concerts today and it made me cry many many times, then I watched some TV and cried, read a book and cried some more... the human condition breaks my heart. But sometimes my crying isn't because of the brokeness, I think during the Live 8 concert especially my tears were because of the hope that welled up inside of me when I see people caring and wanting to make a difference.

Its the hope that keeps me going, protects me from being sucked down by the undertow of brokeness... helps me to remember that helping on person, though insignificant on a global scale, makes a difference to that one...

Let Your will be done because thats all I want to do...

Get ready for some preemptive worrying... I've been told that December is far away but given the speed at which the last few months have passed I'm pretty sure its going to be here before I know it. So, here are my options (as I see them right now):

Safe/Smart Option: Get a job, save money, go to England and see Jess, go to SA and see Rach, go where
ever else my heart desires, go back to school
Exciting Option: Go to Jess's wedding, go to Tanzania and help Nadine with the resource center, go to
SA and help Rach with her orphanage, go to England and visit Jess, find a job because
I'm flat BROKE, travel travel travel, come back home and get a job/apply for school,
go to school

So, who knows, maybe I'll find an AMAZING job and would rather wait to travel anyways, maybe I'll have an exam that prevents me from going to Jess's wedding, maybe Nadine won't be ready for help... let's face it, both these options are dreams that need alot of things to work out to become reality. And, to be honest, I don't care what comes first as long as I'm inspired by what I'm doing... what I'm afraid of is not being inspired, not being happy. That's why its so important to me that whatever I'm doing is God's will for me, because he created me and made me for a purpose, and as long as what I'm doing is carrying out that purpose I know it will be an adventure...

Time, where did you go...

Every once in a while I get this surreal feeling as if this is all a dream and not really my life. I become aware of how my life has changed, people I've lost touch with, new friends I've made and I wonder how everything could have gotten so different without me noticing. And, how did I get to be so old? My friends are graduating school, getting married, moving away and starting a "real life"... it sneaks up on you, this growing up stuff, catches you off guard. All of the sudden gradutation is 5 months away, you are going to be a university grad, and you have no idea how you got there.

"Day by day nothing seems to change but suddenly everything is different"

Age is a state of mind...

The other day I was thinking back to grade six when I was in the V.I.P. program, that stands for Values Influences, and Peers, the Catholic school board's attempt on keeping us away from drugs and alcohol (I don't think it worked very well, a couple girls in my class were kicked out of the program for bringing mushrooms to school... we were 12!) and I remembered that the police officer who was running it had us promise that we would never try smoking until we were 21, because apparently if you don't smoke before you are 21 you are unlikely to ever start. So basically, I can start smoking now and not have broken my promise... haha. But I can remember how old 21 seemed way back then, I don't know what I pictured it to be like, but I don't think this is it! Don't misinterpret, I have been extatically happy with who I am and what my life is like lately, but I always thought 21 would be older... and I'm soooo glad that its not, I'm definately not in a rush to "grow up", I fully intend on flitting around, wandering the world, and not settling down into a job and a grown up life for a loooong time. When I was in Jarvis this weekend we were hanging out with Ash's friend John and his housemates and I found out later that one of the girls was 29!!! I never would have guessed... it turns out that 30 is alot younger than you might have thought... getting older is weird!

Look out world... here I come!

57 minutes after midnight... its officially my 22nd birthday! That's right, turning 22 on the 22nd, Ash and I have decided that this is our year... start it off with our champaigne birthday and hopefully it will be fun and excitment from here on out! If you think about it, big stuff is definately going to happen... after all we are graduating university this year!!!! How crazy is that? I can't believe how fast the last 3 and a half years have flown by... and now suddenly we are supposed to be ready for the real world?? yeah right! But it is exciting, we have the whole world and our whole lives open in front of us!

So, to start this off right, I want to commit this year into God's hands. I know He has made me for a purpose, He has awesome plans for my life, I just pray that I can live up to who He made me to be... Lord, mold me, guide me, give me wisdom and courage to step out and do the things that scare me... cuz the things that scare you are usually the most worthwhile... let this year be great!

The year of Sara and Ash... starts... NOW!!!!!

Angels, demons, and ghosts...

I'm a very skittish person. If I watch a scary movie it can take weeks, months, until I stop being afraid. Slasher movies are ok, like Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer, the killer is always one of their friends, and I'm pretty confident that my friends aren't that insane (I mean, they can be pretty crazy but they are harmless ;) haha. Its the one's that deal with the supernatural that really get to me. After I saw The Sixth Sense I would come close to having anxiety attacks in broad day light because I would think of something from the movie and freak out... I'm weird like that.
When I lived at home I would freak out on a regular basis, I always felt like there was something in my room, but since I moved to Waterloo I've been pretty calm and put together, even when I've been living on my own... until Monday night. I got into a really long conversation with some people about things like speaking in tongues and manifestations of the holy spirit and other crazy Pentacostel stuff that I have little to no experience with. It was all good and fine until they started talking about being able to see angels and demons... I don't know what I believe about all that, I believe they experienced something, I know they aren't lying to me, but I have no experience to base any decision on in that department... but that's kind of beside the point.
The point is... it freaked the crap out of me! When I was trying to go to sleep that night I would freak out every five or ten minutes and have to turn the light on... its not good to be living along while you are scared to death... I've got to learn to keep my fears under control. If anyone wants to sleep over and protect me let me know! haha