I've set my intentions and tried to carry out my plans.
I'm social, I'm resting, I'm working out, I'm eating locally, I'm engaging in productive hobbies...
Yet, my life does not feel full.
Part of me hopes that a new apartment, closer relationships, more activities, a boyfriend, volunteering, etc, will fill it.
But something else stops me
Where is my heart?
I am only moderately connected to these gifts,
and I'm certainly not connected to their Giver.
Once before I opened my heart to marrying what I experienced to what I believed
I tried and it hurt
So now I tiptoe towards the throne room, inhabited by my Creator
and I leave my token offerings at the door.
Not daring to enter and risk having my hope and safety destroyed.
Even though, in the deepest depths,
I know that the destruction has already occurred
And it is only by entering the throne room that the foundation can be rebuilt by the Rock of Salvation
Growing stronger where the cracks had been.
Instead I stick with my illusion.
Telling myself that being in the vicinity of the throne room is enough.
Even though my heart is quietly crying that it is not.