It has become clear
that you don't give a crap
about me
The feeling of abandonment
is hard to shake
Heal me O Lord
Monday, January 22, 2007
Thursday, January 4, 2007
An unexamined life is not worth living...
When I was in second year myself and a bunch of my friends made lists of "30 things to do before I'm 30" (my list only got to 20 for some reason). We were 20 at the time so that gave us 10 years to get through everything. Last night while I wasn't sleeping (me and my screwed up sleep patterns) I suddenly got the urge to pull it out and see how I was doing. Turns out I'm doing pretty well, I was able to cross off 8 of my 20 and I still have 7 years to go!
As for what is left, its interesting to see how my dreams and priorities have changed. Most of the items left on my list range from impossible (its going to be pretty hard to get a position playing in the pit band of a musical after barely touching my sax for the last 4 and a half years, I guess I could count high school for this one), highly unlikely (the amount of travelling I have left on here is going to take a couple years and a lot of money that I don't have), to simply not that important anymore (sure I would still love to do a round the world trip and open a youth center, but I have my whole life ahead of me! What am I going to do if I cram everything into the time before I turn 30?!)
And then there are those 10 blank spaces on the bottom of my list, in the past three years have I dreamed up anything new that I would like to add? Yeah, I can think of a few, but most of the things I want in my life are not so quantifiable that I can do them and cross them off a list. Learning to trust God and follow His will for my life, to practice spiritual discipline, to truly love others... these things are part of a life long journey that will have its ups and its downs. There will be no time when these things are 'achieved' and can be crossed off and moved on from.
Anyways... here is my list in its current form (its only up to 28 but I guess I still have time to come up with two more!). I don't think that I will actually be able do all of them before I'm 30 (especially all the travelling) but you never know!
30 things to do before I'm 30...
1.Graduate with my BA2. See Lifehouse in concert3. Play in the pit band of a musical
4. Live outside of Ontario for at least 1 year
5. Find the perfect dress
6. Go to Europe
7.Go to South Africa8. Open a youth drop-in center
9. Fall in love
10. Get married
11.Wear contacts12. Own a grand piano
13.See Les Miserables14. See a musical on Broadway
15.Get blue highlights16. Paint a picture on a canvas
17. Go on a cruise
18. Go on a round the world trip
19.Wax my eyebrows20. See Rent for a second time21. Take a photography course
22. Get a Masters degree
23. Watch an entire season of a TV show in one day
24. Buy a car
25. Sleep under the stars
26. Make a scrapbook for myself
27. Tithe consistantly
28. Work at a job that fulfills me
As for what is left, its interesting to see how my dreams and priorities have changed. Most of the items left on my list range from impossible (its going to be pretty hard to get a position playing in the pit band of a musical after barely touching my sax for the last 4 and a half years, I guess I could count high school for this one), highly unlikely (the amount of travelling I have left on here is going to take a couple years and a lot of money that I don't have), to simply not that important anymore (sure I would still love to do a round the world trip and open a youth center, but I have my whole life ahead of me! What am I going to do if I cram everything into the time before I turn 30?!)
And then there are those 10 blank spaces on the bottom of my list, in the past three years have I dreamed up anything new that I would like to add? Yeah, I can think of a few, but most of the things I want in my life are not so quantifiable that I can do them and cross them off a list. Learning to trust God and follow His will for my life, to practice spiritual discipline, to truly love others... these things are part of a life long journey that will have its ups and its downs. There will be no time when these things are 'achieved' and can be crossed off and moved on from.
Anyways... here is my list in its current form (its only up to 28 but I guess I still have time to come up with two more!). I don't think that I will actually be able do all of them before I'm 30 (especially all the travelling) but you never know!
30 things to do before I'm 30...
1.
4. Live outside of Ontario for at least 1 year
5. Find the perfect dress
6. Go to Europe
7.
9. Fall in love
10. Get married
11.
13.
15.
17. Go on a cruise
18. Go on a round the world trip
19.
22. Get a Masters degree
23. Watch an entire season of a TV show in one day
24. Buy a car
25. Sleep under the stars
26. Make a scrapbook for myself
27. Tithe consistantly
28. Work at a job that fulfills me
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Hope is coming for the heart that holds on...
The way you love me
gives me hope
that someday
someone as amazing as you
will be in love with me
.
.
.
happy new year everyone!
gives me hope
that someday
someone as amazing as you
will be in love with me
.
.
.
happy new year everyone!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
There's no shame in having to crawl...
Make the Most - Brett Dennen
And in the morning when I rise
one question that feels like the sun in my eyes
am I making the most of this life
so much trouble and so much strife
and in my guilty hour
through all of my shame
when all my love is run sour I have no one else to blame
cause it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
cause it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
make the most of this life
when I fall I fall hard
and I dwell to often in my faults
I must accept it and move on
there’s just no shame in having to crawl
because it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
because it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
oh make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
just make the most of this life
and if you come to me smiling
I will see you shining out from within
such a beautiful grin
falling down on me and freckling my skin
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup of life
And in the morning when I rise
one question that feels like the sun in my eyes
am I making the most of this life
so much trouble and so much strife
and in my guilty hour
through all of my shame
when all my love is run sour I have no one else to blame
cause it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
cause it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
make the most of this life
when I fall I fall hard
and I dwell to often in my faults
I must accept it and move on
there’s just no shame in having to crawl
because it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
because it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
oh make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
just make the most of this life
and if you come to me smiling
I will see you shining out from within
such a beautiful grin
falling down on me and freckling my skin
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup of life
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Is he dark enough, enough to see your light?
I feel discouraged
Two people said no to me today when I asked them to be references for grad school
It's awful hard to get in if you can't find people to endorse you as a good candidate
Is this the right path for me or am I just wasting time and money?
Should I even be applying?
I trust that God has a place for me somewhere in September
I just wish I had some hint as to where that was...
Two people said no to me today when I asked them to be references for grad school
It's awful hard to get in if you can't find people to endorse you as a good candidate
Is this the right path for me or am I just wasting time and money?
Should I even be applying?
I trust that God has a place for me somewhere in September
I just wish I had some hint as to where that was...
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Oh Christmas Tree...
Today I bought my very own Christmas tree.He's just a little guy (only 3 ft tall) but he's all dressed up for Christmas.
Does this mean I'm all growed up now?
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The pictures that she left behind are just memories of a different life...
I stay up too late
until my eyes are so heavy
that I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow
This way I'm not alone in the dark
with sad thoughts
that sneak into my head
even though I'm content
until my eyes are so heavy
that I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow
This way I'm not alone in the dark
with sad thoughts
that sneak into my head
even though I'm content
Sunday, November 19, 2006
She sits alone with her silent songs...
Lately, I think about South Africa every day.
In 3 weeks it will have been one year since I borded a plane in Toronto and flew across the ocean
Day in and day out my head is filled with vivid memories
Of people, places, experiences from half way around the world.
The wanderlust has returned.
Only this time I don't know how to cure it
Lack of funds keeps me from running away to someplace exotic
(and I have no OSAP to fall back on this time around)
At this point in my life, its as if I cannot fathom staying in one place for any great length of time
The thought of getting up every day and going to the same job
Doing the same things, for an indefinate amount of time
Makes me feel smothered
In 3 weeks it will have been one year since I borded a plane in Toronto and flew across the ocean
Day in and day out my head is filled with vivid memories
Of people, places, experiences from half way around the world.
The wanderlust has returned.
Only this time I don't know how to cure it
Lack of funds keeps me from running away to someplace exotic
(and I have no OSAP to fall back on this time around)
At this point in my life, its as if I cannot fathom staying in one place for any great length of time
The thought of getting up every day and going to the same job
Doing the same things, for an indefinate amount of time
Makes me feel smothered
People say that if you find the right job
That the idea will no longer be suffocating
But I disagree
Because I adore my job
But I still feel weighed down
By getting up, day after day, going to the same place
Doing the same things
Even though this amazing job, that I love
Offers me as much variety as I want to create
Maybe this feeling is not due to the nature of work
But the fact that I let myself get overloaded
So that every day is work
And no days are just fun
Now that I have quit one of my jobs
We will see if it gets any better
If I feel more free
If I don't
I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life...
That the idea will no longer be suffocating
But I disagree
Because I adore my job
But I still feel weighed down
By getting up, day after day, going to the same place
Doing the same things
Even though this amazing job, that I love
Offers me as much variety as I want to create
Maybe this feeling is not due to the nature of work
But the fact that I let myself get overloaded
So that every day is work
And no days are just fun
Now that I have quit one of my jobs
We will see if it gets any better
If I feel more free
If I don't
I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life...
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