Where is God when it hurts?

Know that He is there my love, know that He is there.

He is closer than the rain on your skin, closer than the air in your lungs.

He is there crying your tears and feeling your broken heart.

He is there with a legion of angels to lift you up when you are about to fall.

He is there in your friends as we love you with all our strength.

He is there in the still silence as you watch your father slowly fade away.

He is there with open arms waiting to welcome him when he breaths his last.

Know that He is there dear one, know that He is there.

God is love, and you my darling are SO loved.

All is stripped away...

3:30am... what guards my mind has gone to sleep and everything I normally push away sneaks into my thoughts...

*Are my introverted tendancies reversing? Or have I found a group of people I'm so comfortable with that being with them is as easy as being alone? I hope that is true, it makes me happy to think so.

*When I think of you my thoughts immediately jump to the future... which is dangerous when we don't even have a today

*Do you realize that my heart breaks when you act as though I am not important or loved by you? Its only because you are very important to me

*When the people I love are absent a part of me is absent with them... something is missing... it feels empty

*I want to be the person God created me to be... but every day I fall so far short

*I miss my piano.... music is therapeutic

*I need to learn to handle stress better

*I need Jesus to be enough

Collapse into me tired with joy...

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
                                                   -Chris Tomlin

Our lives are made in these small hours...

There are five days left in the month of May and yet all the things that happened seem to be a moment ago. A million moments happened, but were they lived? Time seems to keep speeding up, passing by faster and faster… am I experiencing my life to the fullest or is it just passing me by?

Let me tell you a story about May…

 

I moved… yet again…

The month started by me packing up all my belongings and trekking them across town… for those of you keeping track, yes, I lived in four different houses in nine months. And what did I learn this time around? All this moving is destroying my soul. As I was leaving Avondale I found boxes that I hadn’t even unpacked in the eight months that I lived there. My dad says that means I own too much stuff, but as I looked around my room and saw my nearly bare walls I knew that I had just never allowed myself to really settle in with the move-out date looming over my head. And so, after thinking seriously about not unpacking and living out of boxes for the next four months… I decided that wherever I move in September will be a place I can settle, at least for a little while. I have made a life here home and there is nothing that I can foresee on the horizon that will necessitate my leaving. Its kind of weird…deciding to put down roots… I’m kind of worried that as soon as I do something will come up in my life to call me away from here… but I know that I can’t keep going from house to house and never actually having a home… so adult life here I come ;)

 

A real full time job…

Anyone who has been around the Embassy for any length of time knows that change is the name of the game. I think if I had to describe the atmosphere of the Embassy in one word, change would be it. The latest big change is the cut back of one job, our office manager, which meant saying goodbye to Cynthia and hello to more work. I do appreciate the extra money and the chance to grow and learn new things… but the 10 extra hours and the million little jobs that I don’t quite know how to do have definitely added some chaos to my life!

 

South Africa returns…

On our drive to the Hamilton airport Laura and I were discussing how it had been one and half (me) to two (Laura) years since we had seen Jess and Tom… you can imagine how hyper with anticipation we were! Of course, as soon as we were together again it was as if we had never left. Jess mentioned at one point during the week that she felt the most herself when she was with us, that she could show any aspect of her personality and that we would accept and understand it… I feel the same way. As I stood in a dark parking lot crying as she drove away a few nights later I mentioned to Silas how odd it is that she was only here for six months, almost four years ago, and it changed the course of all of our lives and left us living with a piece of our hearts on the other side of the ocean. I miss my South African… good thing she will be back at the end of June!

 

 

Innis and Curtis got married!

It has been so amazing to be able to witness two friends that I met separately in first year meet, become friends, fall in love, and now get married. The wedding was absolutely beautiful, the weather, the people, everything. I’m so excited for them as they start this new part of their life together!

 

 

So that is May in a nutshell… I’m not sure if I’m hoping for a calmer June or if I’ll miss the chaos if its gone!

 

“Our lives are made in these small hours

these little wonders these twists and turns of fate.

Time falls away but these small hours

These small hours still remain.”
                                       -Rob Thomas

I know the heart of life is good...

As I awake the memory of his touch on my face still lingers...

Its funny how your dreams can fool your mind into believing they are real
and the emotions of what happened stay with you
Last night I dreamt that someone desired me
and today I have lived with the glow and security that comes from being wanted
but it wasn't real

you look at me but do you see me...

Quiet Girl

I would liken you
To a night without stars
Were it not for your eyes

I would liken you
To a sleep without dreams
Were it not for your songs.
 
                                  -Langston Hughes

I need You like water, like breath, like rain...

All I can say is
We need You Lord

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."                                              Romans 8:26

You are going to die... But how, my dearest, are you going to live?

I went to the Epiphaneia conference on Restoring Justice that took place at The Meeting House in Oakville on Saturday.
It was an interesting experience for sure, most of what was said by the speakers was nothing I hadn't heard before, what I found more interesting were people's reactions to what was being said. I noticed a generation gap between people around my age and those who could be our parents. I wonder if the different attitude of our generation towards these issues will lead to different results than the legacy the past generation has left us. A mess of a world...

But then I wonder, is it just our attitude that is different or do we have actions to back it up? Its important for us to sit and listen to what people have to say on this topic and discuss these issues with each other... but is that all we do? Is that all I do?
How do I go forward with this knowledge?

Do I sell all I have and go join the Shane Claiborne types in voluntary poverty and radical community?
Do I find a high paying job and give as much as I can away to Opportunity International (www.opportunity.org)?
Do I start buying only products that I can guarantee are fair trade?
Do I give up the comfort I have here and go serve in Africa?


Am I willing to do any of these? And what does it mean if I'm not?

And if I am willing, are any of these actually going to make a change in the world?


"If you claim to have saving faith, but don't do the things the bible says people with saving faith do [feed the hungry, clothe the naked, etc]... you probably don't have saving faith"     -Ron Sider

The big picture...

"Looking from above, life is a short, often painful, mission, full of occasions to do fruitful work for God's kingdom, and death is the open door that leads into the hall of celebration where the king himself will serve us."  -Henri Nouwen

After reading this quote in a Henri Nouwen book this afternoon I asked myself, am I doing fruitful work for God's kingdom?
I thought about it for a minute before I realized... I work for a church.
So I certainly hope that my work is fruitful, meaningful, otherwise what am I doing?
Yet sometimes its hard to see, I lose the big picture.
So somewhere in the back of my mind... I'm still asking the question...

I'm miles from where you are...

I need to stop giving control over my feelings of self worth
to people who don't care enough to be careful with it.