I won't be lost in these watered down dreams...

Here we are in a new year...
Every year we get the chance to start again and we have high hopes that this year it will be different, this is the year where we really live and all the trouble and complications will pass us by... But it never lasts.

My Rach is back from South Africa but in only a week Innis will be gone to France. And a couple days ago they both announce that they aren't going to be able to live here next year. Just like that HICE ceases to exist, no warning, its just over. And today Matt ends up in the hospital with meningitis...

The fantasy lasted approximately 5 days...

This is the year I turn 22 on the 22nd... Ash tells me that this is going to be the greatest year of our life... and no matter what happens we are going to keep telling ourselves that it is the greatest year of our life... we are not to let anything ruin it!

Already this is a struggle for me, where did I lose my optimism?

Father God my life is designed by You, help me see the beauty and joy in each and every day...

"The hurt is washed away
still here i am
in the middle of it all
with heavy hands
and i try so hard
just to leave behind me
all the chains that bind me

i wont back down
wont turn my head around
quick, take a recess
oops, take another breath
guess who, whose you, better take another clue
find out all about, just dont doubt
just dont doubt

And i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day, yeah
and i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day" - Moment of the Day - By Thousand Foot Krutch

Through the endless troubled days...

Every morning it gets a little harder to get out of bed and trudge through the politics of another day.

I'm living in a world where adults act like children and nothing is the way it should be. When you leave your youth behind does the trouble of this world harden you to the point that you forget how to act? how to care? how to love the people you meet along the way?

My friends, a bunch of people struggling to find out who they are, doing the best they can, they are the bravest, most intelligent and caring people I know, they know how to love... they put their elders to shame.

God help us not to lose the beautiful qualities we possess today...

You are not alone...

The wind whispers in her ear,
saying "You are all alone"
But in her heart she hears her Saviour calling,
saying "You will never be alone... I will never let you go."

When its dark enough men see stars...

Things have been really messy and hard... actually kind of mindblowing... I never would have thought that over the last two and a half months I would end up in a battle with the school fighting to keep my church alive and be accusing someone I work with of sexual harrasment and my bosses of creating a hostile work environment... this is not me... but its something that I have to do right now.

Its really burning me out, its like I can't wrap my mind around whats happening and its stressing me out... and I feel alone in it... in my friendships I am the helper, people come to me when they have problems and need encouragement, and I love being that person, but then the day comes that I'm on the floor and need someone to pick me up... but there is no one who can help me... i am the fixer, but I can't fix myself.

But even though I'm struggling to walk through my life... it is a life that I love. I'm so happy with who I am and what I am doing... and despite what's going on I have so much hope in my God... I know that He is working in me, through me, and around me... each of these situations is in his hand.
And I have my beautiful South African friend who somehow manages to lift me up from half way around the world... I love her dearly and miss her more than I can express... I thank God for giving her friendship to me.

One day at a time... just keep walking... the days will get brighter... and God will never leave my side... I'm OK

God is unique in his inability to fail...

There's a cry in my heart
For your glory to fall
For your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could you take me beyond?
Could you carry me through?
If I open my heart could I go there with you?

For I've been here before
Yet I know there's still more
Oh Lord, I need to know you...

*What do I have if I don't have you Jesus
What in this life could mean any more?
You are my rock, you are my glory
You are the lifter of my head*

-Starfield

I don't want to run away from this, but I know that I just don't need this...

And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through... -David Bowi

Listen to sounds of silence...

I'm craving silence. Everything is so noisy lately, not just physically noisy, but crowded with thoughts, people, responsibilities, events... its all swirling around in my head, i can't see to get any peace.

For three months this summer I lived alone. Everyone was worried that I would be lonely, but I realished in the silence. Maybe its selfish to enjoy spending that time alone, but it brought me such peace to have an unlimited amount of time to just sit with my thoughts, contemplating life. I also spent time watching movies, listening to music, or curled up with a book... but quite often just lay rocking in my hammock staring up at the sky thinking, praying, communing with my awesome God...

Nowadays with work and school I barely have time to sit and think and pray, and even if I do three roommates and the rest of the people in my life are sure to interrupt... don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for my friends and would curl up and die without their love and support... but every so often (like today) I'm longing for those quite summer days of solitude.

The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe...

I find that writing clears my head so I decided to start this space where I can write my thoughts. I hope that whoever stumbles across it enjoys whatever pieces of my life that I feel need to be put into words...