All this seems strange and untrue...

Sorry for the lack of postings here lately, it seems as though my inner dialogue has been more internal than usual resulting in more paper journaling and fewer thoughts written here for the world to see.

Its wierd not being in school. The not going to classes part is fine but I find that I don't know what to do with myself when I have spare time, probably because I'm not used to having spare time. There have always been chapters to be read and papers to be written, things that i should be doing instead of sitting around. But now there is nothing I should do, so I have to figure out what I want to do, because sitting around is getting boring.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the empty space I feel in my heart, the one that I think needs to be filled with relationships. Generally we are taught that God is supposed to fill the hole ("there's a God shaped hole in all of us...") but the bible also said that it was not good for man to be alone... so i can't quite figure out if it is right that I'm looking for another person to make me feel less alone or if I should be able to get what I need from God?

If I just lay here, would you lie with me, and just forget the world...

Last night, unable to sleep, staring up into the darkness, I wonder what it is that is disturbing my happiness. How could I suddenly feel so mixed up and unable to find peace. Then it hits me, I'm starting two new jobs and moving all in the same week. Wierd how things can effect you so much and you not even realize it. Stress is a funny thing...

Tonight, truth spoken from the mouth of the intoxicated leaves me questioning. A broken relationship that I'm ok without until I see how it upsets others. Can I fix it? Is it worth fixing?

Then an email from across the ocean brings tears to my eyes as I'm overwhelmed with missing my South African who is a million miles away.

Its late and I have to actually wake up tomorrow at a normal time... but I have the feeling that even when I put this technology to bed for the night sleep will illude me.
My mom always said that laying in the dark with your eyes closed is almost as good as real sleep... I guess I'll give it a shot.

Waterloo

Here
my heart
is healing

Amen

This is us learning how to be who we are...

It is the truth
about our identity
we seek and find
in humility
in quiet listening
in gentle forgiveness
in love
                 -Rosie O

Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind...

"I have not been myself, or perhaps I have been myself.
How do you know?
How do you know you are yourself?
That is the burning question."
                                                          -Jann Arden


(P.S. Five days until I move back to Waterloo... Yippee!)

Prayer was easy when it was easy to exist...

I used to have a strong prayer life.

I spent a lot of time in prayer, I lead others in prayer, it was usually my first response to whatever I was faced with. But over the last few years that has dwindled to the point where I rarely will sit down and just pray. I’ll throw up a prayer of thanks when faced with something good, or a call for help when I come across a situation I don’t know how to handle, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. I still desire to draw closer to God, to follow His plan for my life… but I cannot get myself to sit down, just me and God, and talk.
I’ve been struggling for a long time now to figure out how I got to this place, why prayer is such a chore… this weekend I was reading a book by Anne Lamott and I recognized part of my struggle…

I’m overwhelmed.

If I sit down to pray suddenly the troubling things I have to bring before my God becomes more than I can handle… a never ending list of pain and struggle. It seems as though no matter how long I sit in prayer there is always one more person or event that needs God’s attention… situations that I don’t know how to help, how to fix, where prayer is my only defence, so if I don’t pray for them, I’m not doing anything at all.

…………………………..

Over the weekend I saw on the news the family of a Canadian soldier who was killed in Afghanistan. A reserve soldier, not someone who was planning on going into battle. There is only one year until my brother graduates from Royal Military College and gets stationed somewhere and it doesn’t look like Canada is going to be pulling out of Afghanistan anytime soon. I’m afraid.

Friends devote their lives to bringing light to dark places. I need them to be safe.

I went and saw An Inconvenient Truth with Kat and Laura a while ago, the reality of what is happening to our planet is shocking. It left me with the realization that even if we find a way to feed the world and heal them of the curable diseases that cause so many deaths, an incredible amount of people will still die from flood, famine, or other natural disasters unless we can also heal our environment. It seems impossible.

I just graduated University, which means that a lot of my friends are feeling lost and without direction in their lives. First jobs are hard to find, and when they do come along they are often disappointing. Disillusionment abounds.

Sickness, struggle, heartbreak, loss of faith. Tears fall.

……………………………..

In An Inconvenient Truth Al Gore said that it is important that we don’t go from ignorance to despair, that we have to find a place to rest in the middle.

I don’t know how to be in the middle right now.

And so I find myself unable to pray...

In this world there is a kind of painful progress, longing for what we've left behind and dreaming ahead.
                                                                                                              (Angels in America)

Can I handle the seasons of my life...

Maybe it is because time seems to have flown by so fast,
Because a thousand yesterdays came and went in the blink of an eye,
That is comes as such a shock to me every time I'm faced with how much things have changed.
People who were strangers have become my closest friends, my supports, my joy
While those I held so close let months go by without talking
And when contact is finally made can't seem to remember where it is that I've been living for the last six months.

I'm stepping over a deep canyon, from one piece of earth to another,
And I fear losing myself in the deep darkness that is between.
I feel the ground of the old life begin to crumble beneath me
Before I find sure footing on the other side.
Should I try and hold onto what I have left of the old
Or do I make the leap and hope that there is solid ground on the other side to catch me as I fall?

"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take a step into the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something for us to stand on or we will be taught how to fly"
-Patrick Overton

Take my world apart...

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

There are so many things that i want to say, but i've forgotten how to let them out...

"I'm alright I guess
But there's so much wrong
But there's so much right"