The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love...

The last entry in my prayer journal for 2006 reads:
"I pray that this new year would be a time of renewal and growth, especially in my relationships. For the amazing people in my life, even as our lives draw us to different places, I pray that you would knit us together, that we would grow closer and give love and strength to each other through these times of transition. And Father I pray that you would bring new people into my life that will walk this journey beside me and that you would give me wisdom and discernment in choosing who to give my heart to."

A few weeks after writing this my heart got terribly hurt, and I wanted to curl up and not let anyone in ever again. I didn't see why I should bother with growing close to people, if those who I had allowed into my innermost self could shut me out and not even care. 

But God is faithful, and even though I was rebelling against the thought of intimacy, the friends God put in my life poured themselves out to me and challenged me to do the same.

God, thank you for the amazing people you have put in my life...  I pray that you would continue to answer my prayer... and rid me of all but love...

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love... your face is all wet and your day was rough...

Broken I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus You're all this heart is living for

F*** you and all we've been through...

It has become clear
that you don't give a crap
about me

The feeling of abandonment
is hard to shake

Heal me O Lord

An unexamined life is not worth living...

When I was in second year myself and a bunch of my friends made lists of  "30 things to do before I'm 30" (my list only got to 20 for some reason). We were 20 at the time so that gave us 10 years to get through everything. Last night while I wasn't sleeping (me and my screwed up sleep patterns) I suddenly got the urge to pull it out and see how I was doing. Turns out I'm doing pretty well, I was able to cross off 8 of my 20 and I still have 7 years to go!
As for what is left, its interesting to see how my dreams and priorities have changed. Most of the items left on my list range from impossible (its going to be pretty hard to get a position playing in the pit band of a musical after barely touching my sax for the last 4 and a half years, I guess I could count high school for this one), highly unlikely (the amount of travelling I have left on here is going to take a couple years and a lot of money that I don't have), to simply not that important anymore (sure I would still love to do a round the world trip and open a youth center, but I have my whole life ahead of me! What am I going to do if I cram everything into the time before I turn 30?!)
And then there are those 10 blank spaces on the bottom of my list, in the past three years have I dreamed up anything new that I would like to add? Yeah, I can think of a few, but most of the things I want in my life are not so quantifiable that I can do them and cross them off a list. Learning to trust God and follow His will for my life, to practice spiritual discipline, to truly love others... these things are part of a life long journey that will have its ups and its downs. There will be no time when these things are 'achieved' and can be crossed off and moved on from.
Anyways... here is my list in its current form (its only up to 28 but I guess I still have time to come up with two more!). I don't think that I will actually be able do all of them before I'm 30 (especially all the travelling) but you never know!

30 things to do before I'm 30...
1. Graduate with my BA2. See Lifehouse in concert3. Play in the pit band of a musical
4. Live outside of Ontario for at least 1 year
5. Find the perfect dress
6. Go to Europe
7. Go to South Africa8. Open a youth drop-in center
9. Fall in love
10. Get married
11. Wear contacts12. Own a grand piano
13. See Les Miserables14. See a musical on Broadway
15. Get blue highlights16. Paint a picture on a canvas
17. Go on a cruise
18. Go on a round the world trip
19. Wax my eyebrows20. See Rent for a second time21. Take a photography course
22. Get a Masters degree
23. Watch an entire season of a TV show in one day
24. Buy a car
25. Sleep under the stars
26. Make a scrapbook for myself
27. Tithe consistantly
28. Work at a job that fulfills me

Hope is coming for the heart that holds on...

The way you love me
gives me hope
that someday
someone as amazing as you
will be in love with me
.
.
.
happy new year everyone!

There's no shame in having to crawl...

Make the Most - Brett Dennen

And in the morning when I rise
one question that feels like the sun in my eyes
am I making the most of this life
so much trouble and so much strife
and in my guilty hour
through all of my shame
when all my love is run sour I have no one else to blame
cause it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
cause it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
make the most of this life

when I fall I fall hard
and I dwell to often in my faults
I must accept it and move on
there’s just no shame in having to crawl
because it finds me through the mask I wear and I see it through my eyes closed
but still I cannot bear to stare into my worries and my woes
there’s comfort in self loathing and it’s easy to slip into it
but still I must learn to lead my life with no regrets
time it all moves in the same direction
so don’t let it pass you by
because it moves so fast there’s no time for perfection
so make the most of this life
oh make the most of this life
I’ll make the most of this life
just make the most of this life

and if you come to me smiling
I will see you shining out from within
such a beautiful grin
falling down on me and freckling my skin
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup
wake I and pour I a cup of life

Is he dark enough, enough to see your light?

I feel discouraged
Two people said no to me today when I asked them to be references for grad school
It's awful hard to get in if you can't find people to endorse you as a good candidate
Is this the right path for me or am I just wasting time and money?
Should I even be applying?

I trust that God has a place for me somewhere in September
I just wish I had some hint as to where that was...

I AM FULLY KNOWN
                                          -1 Cor 13:12

Yup... my hair is blue :)

Oh Christmas Tree...

Today I bought my very own Christmas tree.
He's just a little guy (only 3 ft tall) but he's all dressed up for Christmas.
Does this mean I'm all growed up now?