I didn't update this last term nearly as much as I hoped to. I think that I only processed in bits and pieces, somehow knowing that if I opened my heart and mind to all that I heard and saw I would not be able to handle it. What I did feel was quite enough. Helplessness in the face of terrible parenting leading to broken young women. Watching a life spiral out of control. Breaking confidence to stay in line with the law and damaging relationships in the process.
I'm nearing the end of a two week vacation from my counselling/student role. I blocked out most of my experience and didn't give it a thought. When something did come to mind I pushed the thought away, giving my mind and heart a much needed break. But now as the new term draws very near I feel a lot of anxiety, not having processed what passed before. I could use another week, one spent in solitude without distractions, just to think about and process everything I've learned and experienced and discover what I need to do to be successful in the months to come.
I'm also anxious because the women I've come to rely on at my placement have moved on to other pursuits. Who will be there to coach me through the hard parts? When I'm unsure and overwhelmed? In some ways it feels like I'm starting from the beginning again. Being outside of the experience has lead to questioning again if I can do this, if I'm meant to do this... once again praying for strength and wisdom, whispering to myself to go forward with courage.