All I could do was love you hard and let you go

I will bear witness to your life
With it's trauma and tragedy
Courage and miracles
Betrayal and terror
Incredible strength

I will mourn for you
I will hold hope for you
I will fear for you
I will pray for you
I will love you

Because everyone's life deserves to be witnessed

Because why not me

Because you are worthy

Does someone hug you when you cry?

Perhaps the pain is emotional, she suggests
examining the stiffness in my neck
lean into it
ask it what it is telling you

I tell her about a frustration
I am having with a coworker
but I know that is only a small sliver
of what I am carrying

These days my hope is tenuous
the pain is telling me of the burden of grief
grief for things yet to be, that might never be
but they are heavy all the same

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

The setting sun reflects on the tree's buds
Making it look like the branches are tipped with gold
But all the while people are dying
Losing their battle with whatever it is that haunts them

At the funeral they say that he is looking down on them from heaven
The people looking on lament that we can't be sure
But I can't conceive of a good God who would let someone suffer so much in life
And then not welcome them home when the suffering finally ends

Still I can see little children chasing ducks
And hear birds singing their spring songs
Every day brave people show up to their lives and keep fighting
We all hold on to the hope that in the end love wins

Love has to win

Are we out of the woods?

i carry this grief
with groans too deep
for words

who else is mourning
this half a life?

in this darkness
there is weeping
and gnashing of teeth

when will the scales of justice
tip towards light?

I keep going to the river to pray...

I wish
you didn't think I love you more than your mom does

I wish
you didn't believe you are alive because of me

I wish
you didn't look at yourself with hatred and shame

I wish
every day wasn't a battle against the darkness

I wish
for a different past, a different world

Where you were loved
and made to feel worthy

Where your vulnerability was honoured
and you were kept safe

Where I didn't have to radically accept
that this is how things are

I wish
I wish
I wish

2014 in numbers...

113 movies
41 books
6 blog posts
5 concerts
4 countries
3 shift partners
2 homes
1 year