All I could do was love you hard and let you go

I will bear witness to your life
With it's trauma and tragedy
Courage and miracles
Betrayal and terror
Incredible strength

I will mourn for you
I will hold hope for you
I will fear for you
I will pray for you
I will love you

Because everyone's life deserves to be witnessed

Because why not me

Because you are worthy

Does someone hug you when you cry?

Perhaps the pain is emotional, she suggests
examining the stiffness in my neck
lean into it
ask it what it is telling you

I tell her about a frustration
I am having with a coworker
but I know that is only a small sliver
of what I am carrying

These days my hope is tenuous
the pain is telling me of the burden of grief
grief for things yet to be, that might never be
but they are heavy all the same

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

The setting sun reflects on the tree's buds
Making it look like the branches are tipped with gold
But all the while people are dying
Losing their battle with whatever it is that haunts them

At the funeral they say that he is looking down on them from heaven
The people looking on lament that we can't be sure
But I can't conceive of a good God who would let someone suffer so much in life
And then not welcome them home when the suffering finally ends

Still I can see little children chasing ducks
And hear birds singing their spring songs
Every day brave people show up to their lives and keep fighting
We all hold on to the hope that in the end love wins

Love has to win

Are we out of the woods?

i carry this grief
with groans too deep
for words

who else is mourning
this half a life?

in this darkness
there is weeping
and gnashing of teeth

when will the scales of justice
tip towards light?

I keep going to the river to pray...

I wish
you didn't think I love you more than your mom does

I wish
you didn't believe you are alive because of me

I wish
you didn't look at yourself with hatred and shame

I wish
every day wasn't a battle against the darkness

I wish
for a different past, a different world

Where you were loved
and made to feel worthy

Where your vulnerability was honoured
and you were kept safe

Where I didn't have to radically accept
that this is how things are

I wish
I wish
I wish

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. [Margaret Mead]

loud silence
smothering space

the solitude would be
improved by you

i'd rather be
alone together

We are Easter people living in a Good Friday world [Barbara Johnson]

Darkness came over all the land and Jesus cried out in a loud voice "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”...  And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open.  [Matthew 27:45, 46, 50, 51]

--------------------

the darkness endures

we too feel forsaken

as we are waiting

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

every step towards the kingdom

is hard fought and won

we are begging for mercy

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

mourning hearts crushed spirits

the cost of sin

leaves humanity broken

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

trying to bring light

grasping for hope

growing weary of waiting

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

Carry your world and all your hurt...

In a million ways
its not OK
I watch you struggle
under the weight of it

heavy heart, weary soul, reckless mind

six year old fingers
pressing down
on black and white keys

brain expanding
naming notes
picking out a melody

backs of small hands
decorated
with happy faces

three dots
eyes and a nose
all in purple marker

but instead of a face
my weary mind
sees track marks

a shadow of hope in every heartbreak

there is a crack in the dam around your heart
I see the pain pouring in

holding my hand against the wound
I pray under my breath

please don't die
please don't die

growing weary and losing hope
that this crack would ever be repaired

one day you gather the courage
to put your own hand in the gap

slowly you restore the dam
healing it with bravery and truth

you work so hard
I am so proud

but behind the dam
the pressure builds

another crack
more pain pouring out

you see the fracture
but exhaustion overtakes you

I can live with it you say
with sorrow in your eyes

once again I stand
with my hand against the wound

praying under my breath
until your strength returns

There's something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He's doing...

It would appear that she is one
that providence forgot
I have desperately questioned
how God could stand idly by

But as I watched seemingly impossible plans
fall into place
I wondered in how many little ways
His hand has protected her

She's walked sixteen years
among depravity and darkness
yet the precious light in her heart
has stunningly been guarded

As she travels with the hope
that this is the beginning of a different life
go before her and prepare a place for her
filled with grace and mercy

In the midst of her treacherous climb
out of the shadows of her past
grow the light in her heart ever stronger
in the knowledge that she is worthy of being loved

---------------------------------------------------------

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.              
                                                                [Deuteronomy 31:8]

I lift my eyes up...

climbing out from under the legacy your mother pulled her into
          lamenting, grieving, confused, and sorrow filled
shedding the weight of her own choices
          regretful, ashamed, disgusted and afraid
no wonder she chooses not to think or feel
rather than experience her world
how can we ask her to encounter her emotions in all their intensity?
could anyone stand up under their burden?

her foot slips
she is harmed
where will her help come from?

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why...

dear God,
how do you bear to watch your babies
in so much pain they pierce their skin
twenty-six puncture wounds
slashes on arms, ribs, legs
toeing the line of a little too much, a little too deep
a mistake they can't come back from

and yet, and yet
even in their desperation
they show up
they care for their wounds
they fight with small acts of resistance
brave and broken
how do you bear to watch

This is no ordinary love...

They love each other fiercely
each holding onto a hope for their friend
that they have lost grasp of for themselves
as they struggle against the demons in their heads

They yearn to see each other living freely
healthy and walking in the light
but each are too lost in their own darkness
to lead the way to safety

They tell us each other's distressing secrets
each hoping that we will know how to intervene
while holding tightly to their own truths
too frightened to risk honesty

But our intercession will not succeed
until they seek hope for themselves
desire to see their own lives filled with light
tell their own secrets and love themselves with ferocity

Until then we can only bear witness
walk beside them with compassion
and pray that they will come to know their worth
through that fierce love

don't give up

the last piece of the puzzle slides into place
in the shape of a frenzied story told long ago
a memory to which the only response is profanity

the complexity of her ongoing nightmare
leaves us sifting through the rubble of her brokenness
hoping to interpret her gut-wrenching signs of distress

before its too late

The Darkness Will Not Hide Me

This is a test

Do you really believe what you say you believe
When you say you will meet me where I am
Just how deep will you go to reach me before you turn back

How far into the darkness will you walk beside me
While your soul trembles and your heart breaks
What do I have to do before you go away


This is the answer

You can walk away from me but I will not walk away from you
My soul will tremble, my heart will break, and tears will fall
But even while I shake I will stand beside you in the darkness
Illuminating the path that leads to the light
Praying for the chains to be broken
Waiting to hold your hand when you are ready
To take that first brave step 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.                  [Psalm 139:11-12]

she watched her bridges burn down

were the bridges burned
or were they set ablaze
in a daring act of self preservation?
making a light in the darkness,
enough to guide the path away

she suddenly shows up on our doorstep
like a stray, an orphan
simultaneously guarded and vulnerable
desperate for help and a solid place to rest
but terrified to trust it, to trust us

know that this bridge is fireproof
we celebrate your resilience
and acts of resistance
we will hold your hand
as you grieve over the ashes
and labour beside you
as you begin to create
a new foundation on which to stand

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you...

I can see her thoughts running away
Despite her efforts to secure them
A look of childlike confusion comes over her face
Betrayed by her own mind

She sits alone drawing
Afraid to go outside
One foot stands firmly in reality
While the other is crossing the line

Into a world that's all her own
A world full of zombies and aliens
Violence surrounds
She cannot find safety

She searches for an anchor
To ground her to what is real
But an inner battle rages
As her sickness whispers lies

crystal

I do not want to see
the images you paint with your confessions
but the eye of the imagination
does not close

I can't stop the vision
of the needle in your arm
chemicals flowing into your veins
allowing you to escape
but stealing your innocence

you are compelled to tell me
every detail of the desecration
while you speak
my soul cries

everything in me
wants the flow of words to stop
but I am here to bear witness
and so I listen

Where are you oh heart of mine?

Rescue me

I want out

           I hate this darkness

Follow my voice

I'll guide you

           Where do you want to go?

Anywhere

I'm scared

            Not there           

Just start walking

           No 

You can find safety

           No

Move towards the light

           No

         

I'm here

           Why won't you help me?

I feel your pain

           I can't

You are not alone

           You can't make me

Remain

Resist