Just when I thought I'd let you go I see you again...

I deleted you from my MSN list yesterday, I decided that it was time that I no longer have to feel my heart skip a beat when I see you come online, you don't deserve to occupy that space in my mind, or in my heart. So I deleted you, hopefully from my life.
Suddenly you are standing in front of me, in the flesh. You are different, your hair has grown out, but your eyes still see through me and make me forget that you made me sad. One look deep into your eyes and all the days and moments before now dissappear and all is forgiven.
As I walk away my head reminds me that you are not what I want, but I know I will only believe that when you are out of sight...
what will it take in order for me to let you go?

Run, as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears...

So tomorrow I start my last term as an undergrad! I'm excited, the world seems alive with possibilities!
I don't know how I feel about how things are going right now. On one hand I'm so excited about having all my friends back together in one city, Embassy is amazing, I found a really chill job, I feel good about my relationships (except for the lack of a significant boy)... but another part of me feels like: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
How, after such an amazingly relaxed summer, can so much drama unfold in one short week??
I do not want to spend my last term immersed in negativity, I want to see the glass as half full, see all the possibilities and embrace all that life has to offer... help me not to get weighed down by the realities of life

Don't be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God...

Last summer was such a growing time for me, I spent so much time reading and in prayer, growing closer to God and becoming more and more confident in who I am. I felt like God was preparing me for big things to happen, great things. But shortly after the year started everything fell apart.
This year, I've been in school all summer, I haven't spent alot of time focusing on God or on myself. My life is just flowing along, at a high speed but no so much that it is overwhelming. I have no expectations for the year to come.
I'm starting the year in a completely different mood, a different house, even some different friends. What does life have in store for me now??

These memories seap from my veins...

I was training for the Distress Line all day on Saturday, learning about crisis deescalation and assessing for suicidal ideation... made me think about all the events of my OAC year... it surprises me how I remember some moments with such clarity and the emotions that accompany them are so strong, even 4 years later... I wonder if they will ever fade or if they will be something that I carry with me forever

sleep eludes me...

I feel my heart beat get stronger, my stomach begins to tighten, I toss and turn, and suddenly I'm staring wide eyed at the ceiling and become very aware that sleep is not coming any time soon. Does the late hour break down the barriers in my mind and let things that had been shoved to the unconsiouce seep out... or is my mind just so bored that it needs to find something to occupy its time? I'll be half asleep in front of the computer, but the second my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake. Maybe when this term is over my mind and body will calm down and I can get on a normal schedule again... one can only hope...

Spin me around and close my eyes...

Look down on us from the stars that You hung in the night sky
like millions of shining angels watching over us as we sleep.
Let Your love fall over us like their shimmering light.
Let it make us feel warm and safe and wash away our insecurities and fear.
As we sleep fill our minds with dreams and ambitions
and when we awake give us the courage to chase after them.
May Your love give us power.
You created us with a purpose,
through us You will change the world.
When the load gets too heavey to bear
and we are wandering the earth feeling that we are unloveable,
let us look at the stars and be reminded that
God so loved the world...

Our Greatest Fear...

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- By Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love

The worlds on fire its more than I can handle...

I just read a story about a ship that sank and 24 people managed to survive on the lifeboat. Unfortunately they were a long way from shore and the lifeboat was only made for 10 and wasn't going to make it if everyone stayed on board. The only crewman who made it onto the lifeboat was put in charge so he had to choose who was going to be left at sea. Miraculously, when they finally got to shore, 12 people had survived. At first they were so thankful to the crewman who had saved them but eventually they began to feel guilty for having survived when so many others parished and they turned on the crewman and charged him with murding those he left behind. He did his best but it wasn't enough...

I'm sure this isn't a true story, but it got me thinking. I've always been a helper, wanting to do things to help/save people. For a long time I think I was avoiding being aware of all that needs fixing in the world, maybe I thought that if I let some of it in I would have to let it all in, and then like that guy in the lifeboat the little bit that I was able to do would never be enough to help all that I could see was wrong.

I see the world for what it is now, I had experiences in my life that I could not ignore, that opened my eyes to all that was around me. Did it overwhelm me like I feared it would? Sometimes... I was watching some of the highlight reel from the Live 8 concerts today and it made me cry many many times, then I watched some TV and cried, read a book and cried some more... the human condition breaks my heart. But sometimes my crying isn't because of the brokeness, I think during the Live 8 concert especially my tears were because of the hope that welled up inside of me when I see people caring and wanting to make a difference.

Its the hope that keeps me going, protects me from being sucked down by the undertow of brokeness... helps me to remember that helping on person, though insignificant on a global scale, makes a difference to that one...

Let Your will be done because thats all I want to do...

Get ready for some preemptive worrying... I've been told that December is far away but given the speed at which the last few months have passed I'm pretty sure its going to be here before I know it. So, here are my options (as I see them right now):

Safe/Smart Option: Get a job, save money, go to England and see Jess, go to SA and see Rach, go where
ever else my heart desires, go back to school
Exciting Option: Go to Jess's wedding, go to Tanzania and help Nadine with the resource center, go to
SA and help Rach with her orphanage, go to England and visit Jess, find a job because
I'm flat BROKE, travel travel travel, come back home and get a job/apply for school,
go to school

So, who knows, maybe I'll find an AMAZING job and would rather wait to travel anyways, maybe I'll have an exam that prevents me from going to Jess's wedding, maybe Nadine won't be ready for help... let's face it, both these options are dreams that need alot of things to work out to become reality. And, to be honest, I don't care what comes first as long as I'm inspired by what I'm doing... what I'm afraid of is not being inspired, not being happy. That's why its so important to me that whatever I'm doing is God's will for me, because he created me and made me for a purpose, and as long as what I'm doing is carrying out that purpose I know it will be an adventure...

Time, where did you go...

Every once in a while I get this surreal feeling as if this is all a dream and not really my life. I become aware of how my life has changed, people I've lost touch with, new friends I've made and I wonder how everything could have gotten so different without me noticing. And, how did I get to be so old? My friends are graduating school, getting married, moving away and starting a "real life"... it sneaks up on you, this growing up stuff, catches you off guard. All of the sudden gradutation is 5 months away, you are going to be a university grad, and you have no idea how you got there.

"Day by day nothing seems to change but suddenly everything is different"