When I fall in love it will be forever....

In season four of Sex In The City in an episode called 'What's Sex Got To Do With It' Carrie breaks up with the Jazz Man and walks home from his apartment. On that walk she comes across a sax player buskering on the street...
A single alto sax playing a slow jazzy version of 'When I Fall In Love'
This is what I would like to walk down the aisle to ;)

who i am is who i want to be...

I like who I am and am becoming, I'm happy with most of the choices I've made, I admire and love my friends and am inspired by who they make me want to be.
But for some reason this does not make me secure.
When a group of my friends get together to drink and go out and I don't feel included I feel abandond and wish that I felt that I was wanted in their group... but if I actually think about it I realize that I don't want to do what they are doing or be who they are becoming.
So why does it still hurt? why does that little voice in the back of my mind tell me that I'm not good enough, when there is a whole other group of people who loves me just the way I am?
Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Is this true? Do I feel this way because I choose to?

I've been thinking about everyone, everyone seems so lonely...

Reading some of my friends' blogs today I found that there seems to be
a sense of loneliness invading people's hearts. It surprised me to
read… to be honest I struggle with feelings of loneliness, or not
belonging, quite often. More than I would like to admit I find myself
overwhelmed with the feeling that my friends are all growing apart
from me and that no one really cares how I feel… and here I find my
thoughts and feelings echoed in the words of people I know. It makes
me wonder, are we all just wondering around hoping and wishing that
someone would reach out and break through the barrier of loneliness
that surrounds us.. only no one does because everyone else is hoping
for the same thing?

We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.
– Albert Schweitzer

What we don't let out traps us. We think, No one else feels this way,
I must be crazy. So we don't say anything. And we become enveloped by
a deep loneliness, not knowing where our feelings come from or what to
do with them. Why do I feel this way?"
- Sabrina Ward Harrison

Someone searching...

ace lost in the crowd
Feet wandering empty streets
Voice crying out loud
Heart aching with every beat

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone
Searching for someone searching

Soul battered and bruised
Pride wounded and left for dead
Ears deaf to good news
Eyes tear-drenched and sleepless red

Oh I hear the cry
And I know the pain
Can it be denied that
everyone has been and will be
Someone searching

Love standing alone
Hands scarred by the nails of hate
Hope suffering long
Faith urging that its not too late

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Loving, longing always there's someone
Searching for someone searching

-Ginny Owens

Think the truth...

Self-doubt is the worst lie and the biggest waste of time. Don't spend a second in it.

You're arms are the arms that hung shining stars in deepest space...

I love being outside at night and looking at the stars... when I can lie down and marvel at the beauty God has spread out above me all the chaos inside me stills and I can momentarily feel at peace. The negative energy floats away and the lies I hear in the back of my mind are silenced. The world is empty except for me and my Savior and he listens patiently as I pour out my soul...

but I never thought that I'd see you again...

So I've been analyzing the events of last night, how could I possibly get from a place where I had said goodbye all the way back to the beginning in a matter of hours... it was as though he'd never hurt me and all those days and months hadn't passed by... it all unraveled before my eyes... its the eyes that did it.
I saw him across the bar, it was unexpected and left me in shock. I stayed away, stood just outside of the circle, talked to other people, avoided catching his eye. Lisa and I went to the bar... "why is he here... what do I do... i can't talk to him"... by the time I got back he was gone, crisis averted, or so I thought.
We move out to the far patio, another friend walks by and I step off to the side to chat, when I turn back he stands before me once again. Caught by surprise and no where to escape I get drawn into the group conversation, my guard is dropped and suddenly we our eyes meet, I smile, he smiles, I know all is lost. Its that look, I love the way he looks at me, its dangerous because it makes me forget.
Another friend, a chance to escape, I leave and when I come back he's gone. Maybe I won't have to see him again, but this time the thought makes me a little sad.
Fast forward about an hour, we are talking again, just the two of us, my hand on his arm, my fingers run through his hair... how did I get here?
And now he is gone again and I am left wondering why my heart is drawn to him who cannot make up his mind. My friends tell me I deserve more.. and i know this... but deep inside I know that if I stand before him and our eyes meet all will be forgotten once again...

Just when I thought I'd let you go I see you again...

I deleted you from my MSN list yesterday, I decided that it was time that I no longer have to feel my heart skip a beat when I see you come online, you don't deserve to occupy that space in my mind, or in my heart. So I deleted you, hopefully from my life.
Suddenly you are standing in front of me, in the flesh. You are different, your hair has grown out, but your eyes still see through me and make me forget that you made me sad. One look deep into your eyes and all the days and moments before now dissappear and all is forgiven.
As I walk away my head reminds me that you are not what I want, but I know I will only believe that when you are out of sight...
what will it take in order for me to let you go?

Run, as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears...

So tomorrow I start my last term as an undergrad! I'm excited, the world seems alive with possibilities!
I don't know how I feel about how things are going right now. On one hand I'm so excited about having all my friends back together in one city, Embassy is amazing, I found a really chill job, I feel good about my relationships (except for the lack of a significant boy)... but another part of me feels like: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
How, after such an amazingly relaxed summer, can so much drama unfold in one short week??
I do not want to spend my last term immersed in negativity, I want to see the glass as half full, see all the possibilities and embrace all that life has to offer... help me not to get weighed down by the realities of life

Don't be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God...

Last summer was such a growing time for me, I spent so much time reading and in prayer, growing closer to God and becoming more and more confident in who I am. I felt like God was preparing me for big things to happen, great things. But shortly after the year started everything fell apart.
This year, I've been in school all summer, I haven't spent alot of time focusing on God or on myself. My life is just flowing along, at a high speed but no so much that it is overwhelming. I have no expectations for the year to come.
I'm starting the year in a completely different mood, a different house, even some different friends. What does life have in store for me now??