Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands...

Pictures from the last four years pass before my eyes
as I sit watching the screen saver on my computer
Some of them seem like a lifetime ago
and things that I thought I had processed
start weighing on my mind
Funny how your past creeps up on you
and becomes your present
Have I learned?
Have I changed?

Could there be someone searching for someone searching...

I was watching Stranger Than Fiction last night and in the movie there is a discussion between Dustin Hoffman and Will Farrel about Will Farrel's impending death. He is wondering what to do with the time he has left in his life and Dustin Hoffman tells him that this is his chance to have the life he always wanted. What has he always wanted in his life? Will Farrel says that he always wished his life were more musical, that he could play guitar. So,  he goes out, buys a guitar, and learns to play.
When I saw Will Farrel learning to play guitar I thought, 'Hey, maybe I should learn guitar!'
I have thoughts like this fairly often, maybe I should learn guitar, maybe I should start scrap booking, maybe I should sew, maybe I should take up photography... etc etc. I'm obviously looking for something to fill up the extra time in my life.
There are a lot of things I could do... but I don't want to do something to just fill time. I want to figure out the thing that would make my life the life I've always wanted. The thing that will make me feel more myself. The thing that if I were to die soon I would regret not doing.
But how do I find this thing?

No deeds to do, no promises to keep, I'm dappled and drowsey and ready to sleep...

This afternoon I found myself walking to the post office
Walking quickly
I suddenly wondered why I was walking so fast
Why do I feel the need to get everything done as fast as I can?
I had no deadline to keep, no where else to be
So I purposefully slowed my steps

I took in the chilly fall air
Felt the leaves crunch under my feet
Admired the Princess Leia pumpkin on the front porch

As I came to a stop
waiting for the cars to pass so i could cross the street
Suddenly my calm is interrupted by incessant honking
*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*
I notice a middle age woman in a mini-van
frustrated and angry and repeatedly laying on her horn
I wonder what could possibly be causing such stress?
I see in front of her a car that has realized it needed to be in the right hand turn lane
slowed down trying to squeeze into a long line of cars before it misses its turn
*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*honk*
Where does this woman have to be
In such a rush
that she can't allow this person a few extra seconds to correct a mistake
Eventually she pulls into the other lane, goes around the car
and is on her way

I shake my head, cross the road
and continue to be conscious  of the speed of my steps
Speeding so fast trying to get from one place to the next
You will miss out on all those moments in between destinations
Those moments are your life
Live every moment

You make me feel safe, then you whisper in my ear that you're here to stay...

For the last year I've been waiting for this acceptance letter
All that time I never doubted that this was the right path for me
That if everything worked out the way I wanted it to
It would be perfect

Now its all come to be
Every best case scenario came true
But part of me is questioning the rightness

Most of my fears have to do with money... maybe ALL of them
I hate that money affects me so much

God help me to trust in You
that You put me on this path
that You will provide

My words like silent raindrops fell..

I am a good listener

I can take whatever you say to me
and not react
absorb it into me
and mull it over
ask you questions
to clarify your thoughts and feelings
but not show you how I feel
about what you have just revealed

But when I walk away
your words continue to echo
inside me
my feelings swell
and my mind races
I don't know what to do
with the reactions
that I can no longer suppress

Now I am alone
with what I didn't show you
because I am a good listener.

I hate the phone, but I wish you would call...

I'm starting to think that boys have no concept of the effect that they have on girls.
Did you really think you could say sweet things to a girl every day and not have her fall for you?
Do they mean to give mixed messages? Or are they just hopelessly clueless?
(which less face it, would make them even more adorable)
Or maybe its not the boys
Maybe I'm the one who's clueless and I just don't know how to read their signals
I have no answers
I guess I'll just continue to be confused...

Hear the silence call me home...

I'm deliciously tired...
Its not the warn out tired, the kind that tells me I've been doing too much
Its the content tired that comes from spending a weekend hanging out with friends and staying up late chatting
A satisfied tired that is the consequence of time well spent

It reminds of my need for Sabbath
Its something I've been reading about, thinking about, praying about
This morning Brandon spoke about it
Its a change I know I need to make
Something God is calling me to
I'm just not sure how it looks or where it fits
I'm still searching...

Little cracks they escalate, before we knew it was too late...

As I read your words I feel a vice grip my lungs and I'm suddenly finding it hard to breathe
My heart beats harder and faster and everything starts to close in around me
You use me as your trash can as you dump all the poison that has been living in your heart onto me
I'm sorry
I hope you feel better

Where is God when it hurts?

Know that He is there my love, know that He is there.

He is closer than the rain on your skin, closer than the air in your lungs.

He is there crying your tears and feeling your broken heart.

He is there with a legion of angels to lift you up when you are about to fall.

He is there in your friends as we love you with all our strength.

He is there in the still silence as you watch your father slowly fade away.

He is there with open arms waiting to welcome him when he breaths his last.

Know that He is there dear one, know that He is there.

God is love, and you my darling are SO loved.

All is stripped away...

3:30am... what guards my mind has gone to sleep and everything I normally push away sneaks into my thoughts...

*Are my introverted tendancies reversing? Or have I found a group of people I'm so comfortable with that being with them is as easy as being alone? I hope that is true, it makes me happy to think so.

*When I think of you my thoughts immediately jump to the future... which is dangerous when we don't even have a today

*Do you realize that my heart breaks when you act as though I am not important or loved by you? Its only because you are very important to me

*When the people I love are absent a part of me is absent with them... something is missing... it feels empty

*I want to be the person God created me to be... but every day I fall so far short

*I miss my piano.... music is therapeutic

*I need to learn to handle stress better

*I need Jesus to be enough