Life List

Checking in on my 30 things to do before I'm 30 list... I'm a little more than halfway through but only have one and a half years to go... uh oh. Some of these things are almost definitely not happening in the next year and a half and some of them I'm not really interested in anymore (I did write the list 8 years ago, things have changed a little since then)... but its still interesting to see how I've progressed.




30 things to do before I'm 30...  (newly completed things are in pink)

1. Graduate with my BA
2. See Lifehouse in concert
3. Play in the pit band of a musical
4. Live outside of Ontario for at least 1 year
5. Find the perfect dress
6. Go to Europe
7. Go to South Africa
8. Open a youth drop-in center
9. Fall in love
10. Get married
11. Wear contacts
12. Own a piano
13. See Les Miserables
14. See a musical on Broadway (technically it was off-Broadway... good enough!)
15. Get blue highlights
16. Paint a picture on a canvas
17. Go on a cruise
18. Go on a round the world trip
19. Wax my eyebrows
20. See Rent for a second time
21. Take a photography course
22. Get a Masters degree
23. Watch an entire season of a TV show in one day
24. Buy a car 
25. Sleep under the stars
26. Make a scrapbook for myself
27. Tithe consistantly
28. Work at a job that fulfills me
29. Get a piercing
30. Write a book

We are in Desperate Need

Do not hold against us the sins of past generations; 
may Your mercy come quickly to meet us, 
for we are in desperate need.                                        - Psalm 79:8


This verse has been in my journal, up on my white board, in my heart for the last 10 months.


Earlier this week my boss was talking about generational trauma. Someone experiences a trauma in their youth and does not know how/is unable to deal with it and lives showing symptoms of PTSD/anxiety/depression as a result. They grow up, have children, and their children are then experiencing the trauma of growing up with a parent struggling with mental health.


When the bible says "He punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation” (Exodus 34:7), I don't believe it actually means God is actively punishing the children. I believe it is a warning that in the world He created sinful acts carry consequences that affect our children and our children's children. In asking God to not hold the sin of past generations against us, we are asking God to break that pattern and release the legacy of bondage that we have been born into. Because we are suffering the effects of that legacy, we beg for God's mercy to fall on us. Quickly. For we are desperate for the freedom only God can bring. 

Safe Space

Recently, I've been having trouble shutting off my mind at night. I worry about friends and the young people I work with. Swirling concern about their safety are loud in my head along with questions as to how I can be a support. One night at yoga, as a lay crying in shavasana, a visualization came to me.

An orchard of trees, bathed in golden light, tended to by a loving God. Beside one of the trees is a locked chest which holds securely all of my worried and racing thoughts. From the strong tree branches hang cocoons in which precious souls are sleeping. They are bundled up among blankets and pillows in an egg shaped structure, bound in soft cotton. A warm light comes from inside the cocoon as their glowing hearts rest. They sleep surrounded in safety, comfort, and unfailing love.

I'm certainly no artist, but this is the best rendering I could create:

If you are one I worry about, you too may find yourself resting here.

Rules for Life

One day last week at work we encouraged the youth to think about their rules for life and how they effect the way they live. Having rules to live by guide the choices we make, effect our self-talk, and influence the way we feel and experience life. They are also helpful tools when it comes to decision making. Whatever challenge you are faced with, you can measure it against your rules to see if it will help or hinder your ability to achieve these things and choose the option that will be most helpful on your path. 


Since I am someone who struggles with decision making, and believe that I should practice what I preach, I challenged myself to examine my own rules for life. And here is what I came up with so far...


Rules for Life


1. Every human life is created and cherished by God, treat them that way 
          This means we are all equal and all deserving of love and respect, regardless of life
          choices or circumstances. 


2. Trust that God is present and aware
          I carry with me many questions about why God does or does not intervene in
          situations. Despite this, I trust that God sees everything that happens to His children
          and is present with them in the circumstances.


3. Always act with integrity 
          I was thinking about a lot of different concepts that I try to live by - honesty,
          trustworthiness, loyalty - but I think the idea of integrity embodies all of these. The
          word integrity is derived from the Latin word integritatem, which means wholeness.
          Living with integrity creates an inner wholeness that comes from being congruent in
          thought, word, feeling, and action.


4. Trust your intuition
          This may seem like a hokey concept to some but I've been learning more and more to
          trust the things my spirit knows. John 14:16-17 says, "He will give you another
          Counsellor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth... you know Him, for He lives
          with you and will be in you". My spirit and the Holy Spirit reside together and bring
          wisdom that should be trusted.


5. We are created for relationships, so invest in them
          Born out of the love of the community of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we are
          created to be in community. This means that our actions affect the whole of the
          human community as we are all connected and that it is of great importance that we
          foster and nurture strong relationships.


I'm curious... what are your Rules for Life?

Ten Rules for Brilliant Women

(by Tara Sophia Mohr)


It’s time to step up, brilliant women. Here are ten principles for owning your brilliance and bringing it to the world:
 
1. Make a pact. No one else is going to build the life you want for you. No one else will even be able to completely understand it. The most amazing souls will show up to cheer you on along the way, but this is your game. Make a pact to be in it with yourself for the long haul, as your own supportive friend at every step along the way.
 
2. Imagine it. What does a knock-the-ball-out-of-the-park life look like for you? What is the career that seems so incredible you think it’s almost criminal to have it? What is the dream you don’t allow yourself to even consider because it seems too unrealistic, frivolous, or insane? Start envisioning it. That’s the beginning of having it.
 
3. Gasp. Start doing things that make you gasp and get the adrenalin flowing. Ask yourself, “What’s the gasp-level action here?” Your fears and a tough inner critic will chatter in your head. That’s normal, and just fine. When you hear that repetitive, irrational, mean inner critic, name it for what it is, and remember, it’s just a fearful liar, trying to protect you from any real or seeming risks. Go for the gasps and learn how false your inner critic’s narrative really is, and how conquerable your fears.
 
4. Get a thick skin. If you take risks, sometimes you’ll get a standing ovation, and sometimes, people will throw tomatoes. Can you think of any leader or innovator whom you admire who doesn’t have enthusiastic fans and harsh critics? Get used to wins and losses, praise and pans, getting a call back and being ignored. Work on letting go of needing to be liked and needing to be universally known as “a nice person.”
 
5. Be an arrogant idiot. Of course I know you won’t, because you never could. But please, just be a little more of an arrogant idiot. You know those guys around the office who share their opinions without thinking, who rally everyone around their big, (often unformed) ideas? Be more like them. Even if just a bit. You can afford to move a few inches in that direction.
 
6. Question the voice that says “I’m not ready yet.” I know, I know. Because you are so brilliant and have such high standards, you see every way that you could be more qualified. You notice every part of your idea that is not perfected yet. While you are waiting to be ready, gathering more experience, sitting on your ideas, our friends referenced in rule five are being anointed industry visionaries, getting raises, and seeing their ideas come to life in the world. They are no more ready than you, and perhaps less. Jump in the sandbox now, and start playing full out. Find out just how ready you are.
 
7. Don’t wait for your Oscar. Don’t wait to be praised, anointed, or validated. Don’t wait for someone to give you permission to lead. Don’t wait for someone to invite you to share your voice. No one is going to discover you. (Well, actually, they will, but paradoxically, only after you’ve started boldly and consistently stepping into leadership, sharing your voice, and doing things that scare the hell out of you.)
 
8. Filter advice. Most brilliant women are humble and open to guidance. We want to gather feedback and advice. Fine, but recognize that some people won’t understand what you are up to (often because you are saying something new and ahead of your time). Some people will find you to be not their cup of tea. Some will feel threatened. Some people will want to do with your idea only what is interesting or helpful to them. So interpret feedback carefully. Test advice and evaluate the results, rather than following it wholesale.
 
9. Recover and restore. If you start doing the things that make you gasp, doing what you don’t quite feel ready to do, and being more of an arrogant idiot, you are going to be stretching out of our comfort zone–a lot. Regularly do things that feel safe, cozy, and restorative. Vent to friends when you need to. Acknowledge the steps you’ve taken. Watch your tank to see how much risk-taking juice you have available to you. When it’s running low, stop, recover and restore.
 
10. Let other women know they are brilliant. Let them know what kind of brilliance you see, and why it’s so special. Call them into greater leadership and action. Let them know that they are ready. Watch out for that subtle, probably unconscious thought, “because I had to struggle and suffer on my way up…they should have to too.” Watch out for thinking this will “take” too much time – when the truth is it always has huge, often unexpected returns.
 
Clear a path by walking it, boldly.

As I Release You

I pray that you will soar
to great heights on strong wings
but as you leave
I watch you trip and stumble
on your way out the door

I pray for the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
despite my fear of skinned knees,
broken bones, debilitating injury

I pray that you will not be satisfied with ground-dwelling
that you will not allow yourself to be broken or weighed down
that your eyes will stay fixed on the clouds
and you will keep strengthening your wings
and you will one day soar so high
that this place you left from
will be nothing more than a tiny dot
on your horizon

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both...

The struggle in making a choice is not so much in walking through a door into a new experience but in closing the doors that you are not going to pursue.

When I was born, in my privileged white north american family, I essentially had every possible door open to me, I could do or be anything. As I grew and made choices, doors started to close.

I put my time and energy into reading and music rather than sports, there goes the professional athlete door.

At some forks in the road I was very cognizant of what I would be giving up by making my choice. When I was choosing a university I visited a number of different schools and read about their programs, eventually deciding that UW would best suit my needs and dreams and was aware that by coming here I was not going to those other schools.

As I've been getting older I have become more and more aware that when we are choosing a door there are often other hidden door that we don't, maybe even can't, see at the time. The sum of the choices we make are closing those doors as well, unbeknownst to us.

Every once in a while I come across a closed door that I had not realized my choices had closed, and despite how happy I am with the choices I have made, I feel sad about its loss. As I chose to be one version of myself, I did not always realize that I would be loosing an opportunity to live a different way.

I don't wish that I was aware of every path I would not be able to take when I walk down one, decision making is difficult enough with the options that I do know about, but whenever I realize an opportunity is now closed I can't help but wonder 'what if...'

Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living. -Jonathan Safran Foer

I'm in that weird and frustrating stage of learning something new
where I know enough to know what I need to do
but am not experienced enough that it comes as second nature
so I miss things and remember that I missed them later on
rather than just being ignorant of my errors
leaving me feeling like I'm doing a poor job

I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen. [Benjamin Disraeli]

I should not be surprised to discover that my preferred way of travelling is similar to my preferred way of life.

I took a short vacation to New York City over the long weekend. My travelling companion and I had made a list of all we hoped to see and then tried to fit as much of it into our 3.5 days as possible. We moved quickly from place to place snapping pictures and praying that our aching feet would hold out until we sat down for the next meal or fell exhausted into bed at night. From a tourists perspective, we saw it all! However, looking back on the whirlwind it all goes by in a blink of an eye.

And what do I remember? Enjoying a warm chai latte late at night in the middle of Times Square, listening to live music in Madison Square Park, wandering through a craft fair seeking inspiration for future projects.  The times I sat, breathed, and experienced what was going on around me.

Note to my future self: When I travel, like in my every day life, I need space and rest in order to absorb and understand what I have witnessed.

To Whom It May Concern

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you ought to be
How long will you make me wait?I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to, how I do

Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to, how I do

I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to, oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently
                                                (The Civil Wars)