she watched her bridges burn down

were the bridges burned
or were they set ablaze
in a daring act of self preservation?
making a light in the darkness,
enough to guide the path away

she suddenly shows up on our doorstep
like a stray, an orphan
simultaneously guarded and vulnerable
desperate for help and a solid place to rest
but terrified to trust it, to trust us

know that this bridge is fireproof
we celebrate your resilience
and acts of resistance
we will hold your hand
as you grieve over the ashes
and labour beside you
as you begin to create
a new foundation on which to stand

Things I would tell you...

• It only takes a second to go from feeling loved to lonely, that's how you know the loneliness is a lie
• I love doing things and going places on my own, but every time there is an event I wish I had someone to show up beside me
• Brownies made out of healthy ingredients taste healthy, you can't trick yourself
• Baking is good for my soul

In June I was...

Listening... to Macklemore on repeat preparing for the concert at the end of July
Reading... things that are healing. My favourite was Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton
Watching... One Tree Hill all over again from the beginning
Eating... home made funnel cakes at work and BBQ steak on my birthday (thanks to my little bro)
Drinking... delicious fruity red wine sangria
Wearing... flip flops only, no more toes suffocating in shoes this season
Feeling... celebrated and loved
Wanting... less raining and humidity
Needing... a check up for my car
Thinking... about my life's work and the future
Enjoying... turning 30!

Carry On Warrior

Show up. Even when you're scared.
Do the next right thing. Even though you're shaking.

Life is really hard. But together we can do hard things.

Life is beautiful and life is brutal.
Life is brutiful, all the time, everyday.

                                                      [Glennon Doyle Melton]

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you...

I can see her thoughts running away
Despite her efforts to secure them
A look of childlike confusion comes over her face
Betrayed by her own mind

She sits alone drawing
Afraid to go outside
One foot stands firmly in reality
While the other is crossing the line

Into a world that's all her own
A world full of zombies and aliens
Violence surrounds
She cannot find safety

She searches for an anchor
To ground her to what is real
But an inner battle rages
As her sickness whispers lies

crystal

I do not want to see
the images you paint with your confessions
but the eye of the imagination
does not close

I can't stop the vision
of the needle in your arm
chemicals flowing into your veins
allowing you to escape
but stealing your innocence

you are compelled to tell me
every detail of the desecration
while you speak
my soul cries

everything in me
wants the flow of words to stop
but I am here to bear witness
and so I listen

Where are you oh heart of mine?

Rescue me

I want out

           I hate this darkness

Follow my voice

I'll guide you

           Where do you want to go?

Anywhere

I'm scared

            Not there           

Just start walking

           No 

You can find safety

           No

Move towards the light

           No

         

I'm here

           Why won't you help me?

I feel your pain

           I can't

You are not alone

           You can't make me

Remain

Resist

If you always do what you've always done...

Curled up and crumpled on the floor
Emptiness marks the absence of light in your eyes
Take me back to safety you whimper

But there is no going back
You will find only a false sense of security there
Go forward
Find sanctuary somewhere new

A grand gesture
A drastic choice
To save yourself

Be brave
Freedom awaits

I can't move the mountains for you

There is a door that's been open
But you run into the wall instead

You are almost at the top of the staircase
But you stumble and let yourself fall

I'm holding out my hand
But you're holding too tight to what will destroy you

I watch you broken hearted
But you turn your back

I want to hold on tighter
But know I can only let go


let go
let go

breathe

let go

tiny beautiful things

Words of wisdom from Cheryl Strayed in her book Tiny Beautiful Things. Just read it.

"She'd have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it, and if she wasn't able to do that, then her whole life would be shit, forever and ever and ever. I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother's life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she'd ever wanted anything. She had to grab like a drowning girl for every good thing that came her way and she had to swim like fuck away from every bad thing. She had to count the years and let them roll by, to grow up and then run as far as she could in the direction of her best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by her own desire to heal."

"Each and every one of those people rose at a moment in their lives... and at that moment they chose to tell the truth about themselves instead of staying "safe" inside the lie. They realized that, in fact, the lie wasn't safe. That it threatened their existence more profoundly than the truth did."

"This is not your responsibility, but it is your problem."

"The story of human intimacy is one of constantly allowing ourselves to see those we love most deeply in a new, more fractured light."

"There aren't three options. There is only one. As Rilke says, 'You must change your life.'"

"Some things are so sad and wrong and unanswerable that the question must simply stand alone like a spear in the mud."

"But compassion isn't about solutions. It's about giving all the love that you've got."

"Just close your eyes and remember everything you already know. Let whatever mysterious starlight that guided you this far guide you onward into whatever crazy beauty awaits."

"You don't have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success."

"You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that's all."

"You will learn a lot about yourself if you stretch in the direction of goodness, of bigness, of kindness, or forgiveness, of emotional bravery. Be a warrior for love."

"My grief is tremendous but my love is bigger. So is yours... You're grieving it because you loved him truly. The beauty in that is greater than the bitterness of his death."

"We are here to build the house. It is our work, our job, the most important gig of all: to make a place that belongs to us, a structure composed of our own moral code. Not the code that only echoes imposed cultural values, but the one that tells us on a visceral level what to do. You know what is right for you and what is wrong for you."

"You're covering your wounds with a classic it's-okay-if-I'm-fucked-up-because-everyone-is-fucked-up canard. It's a lie you've told yourself that has flattened down whatever hurts. But what hurts remains... And until you heal it you are going to have to open and patch and cover and deny that wound over and over again... Its an invitation to do the real work. The kind that doesn't pay a dime, but leaves with a sturdy shelter by the end."

"Understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again."

"I never believed the boys were angry. I believed they were hurt and anger was the safest manifestation of their sorrow."

"I had that feeling you get - there is no word for this feeling - when you are simultaneously happy and sad and angry and grateful and accepting and appalled and every other possible emotion, all smashed together and amplified. Why is there no word for this feeling? Perhaps because the word is "healing" and we don't want to believe that. We want to believe healing is purer and more perfect, like a baby on its birthday."