I want to see miracles, see the world change...

I don't quite have the words to adequately describe my experience... but I know it makes my heart ache.

Three nights ago, at 3:30AM, I was leaving a club in Cuba after spending hours dancing the night away with some Cuban boys. One of them, who had patiently been spending this night teaching us rhythmically challenged Canadian girls how to dance, was waiting with us to make sure we got our bus safely back to our resort and we got into a conversation about life in Cuba.
We talked about how the guys who work at the resort try to make out with all the girls. While to us it seems like they are all big players he explained that in Cuba the girls don't have access to nice clothes and make up so when all these girls come in with their light skin and expensive clothes and get themselves all dolled up it is exotic to them, being with these girls is how they can experience the world... because most of them will never leave Cuba.
How foreign that is to me. While my friends are more and more being spread out over the world and I aspire to spend a great deal of time traveling he can say with such confidence that he and everyone he knows will likely never have the opportunity to leave the small island country where they were born.
Then he talked about how they work at the resort for 20 days straight and then go home to rest and see their families for 10 days. For this sacrifice they are paid 18 pesos for every 20 days that they work (about $25 Canadian). He said that he gives some of the money he makes to his Mom for the up keep on her house, and that the jeans he was wearing cost him 25 pesos, more than his month's wages. Yet I can see that he loves his job, he spent all this extra time with us teaching us to dance and wanted to meet us the next day before we left to give us a present and say goodbye (he who has so little wants to give something to us). In fact all of the staff were so friendly and energetic and seemed to be having fun, yet they were not making enough in 20 days of work to buy themselves a pair of jeans...
Lindsay and I did meet him the next morning, away from the lobby because the staff are forbidden from coming to say goodbye to the guests,and he gave us both beautiful pictures that he had painted (as well as working at the resort, he teaches fine arts at a boys school). Before leaving I gave him all the money I had left, 20 pesos (about $30 Canadian), more than doubling his salary for this month. I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it, because its nothing to be proud of, I'm not going to miss that money... I'm saying it because it is so ridiculous to me that an amount of money that means nothing to me is worth so much in his hands, that a big difference can be made so effortlessly...

But I don't... we don't.

Our eyes are closed.

On a hot night under the stars in Cuba mine were momentarily opened... and it broke my heart.
I pray that my eyes would not close again, that God would change me through this experience, that I would make a difference.

And still my heart aches...

dazed and confused...

yup thats definately me right now, dazed and confused! Dazed because I've been studying for way to long and my brain isn't working quite right anymore... confused because I have no idea what I'm doing!!!
My dad called me today and told me that he thinks I could make alot of money this summer if I came home and worked in the film business for a few months. We tried this last year and it didn't really work out, I ended up scrambling around looking for a job and by the end of the summer was working two jobs to make up for it. But he's sure this time will be different. Now I dont know what to do, I would be giving up so much by going home, but I could potentially gain alot too.
If I leave I'm missing out on alot of fun with friends, I will have to give up at least one of my DE classes, and I will be absent for the formation of the new Embassy Leadership which I would really like to be apart of. I would gain alot more money, the ability to take whatever job I want for july and august to get experience and not worry about how much I'm making, and possibly not have to work next year, giving me more time to do the stuff at Embassy I want, volunteer for the crisis center, and work on my thesis.
What do I get if I stay here? Alot of fun with Cassie, Danie, Lisa, and whoever else is around, a few classes out of the way, being involved in the formation of the new Embassy leadership, free time, independence... but no job yet which means being strapped for cash, being broke at the end of the year when I want to travel, needing to work next year...
WHAT DO I DO??

Let Your will be done 'cause thats all I want to do...

When I was in grade 11 the leader of my care group invited some of her friends to come to our bible study, she called them 'Prayer Warriors'. At the end of the night they took some time to pray for us each individually. One of them, her name is Beth, after she prayed for me told me that she could feel that I was a rock, full of the holy spirit, a firm foundation while the people around me were on shakey ground. To be honest it really freaked me out, I had only been a Christian for a little over a year so I kind of put the whole thing in the back of my mind and didn't think about it much.
Three years later, just after first year of university, my old care group got together for an evening just to catch up and pray together, Beth came. At the end of the night she took me aside again and said almost the same thing... You are a rock, your prayers are powerful... THREE YEARS LATER she says the same thing to me. Obviously this is something that God was speaking into my life, it comes to my mind everyonce in a while, but mostly it confuses me... what does it mean??
Jesus called the apostle Peter 'the Rock'... after the Embassy retreat I started to read through the gospels where they talked about Peter and read the letters he wrote... trying to look for some clue as to what my purpose is... I got sidetracked by end of term chaos... I'll have to get back to that when I'm done...
Why am I thinking about this now? I'm not really sure... maybe because I didn't get that job that I wanted so badly... I've had the worst luck with jobs and I'm just wondering what God wants from me, where he wants me to be... and that anxiety about the summer turns into anxiety about my life... which brings me back to the question WHO AM I? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?... which brings me back to that time when Beth told me 'you are a rock'...
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Some food for thought:
(If anyone is reading who is interested let me know your thoughts on this!)

"When the church began to doubt its own integrity after the Darwinian attack on Genesis 1 and 2, we began to answer science, not by appealing to something greater, the relmof beauty and art and spirituality, but by attempting to translate spirituatl realities through scientific equations, thus justifying ourselves to culture, as if culture had some kind of authority to redeem us in the first place. Terms such as 'absolute truth' and 'inherency' (a term used only to describe scripture in the last one hundred years or so) became a battle cry, even theough the laws of absolute truth must, byt their nature, exclude ideas such as Jesus is the Word, He is both God and Man, the Trinity is both three and One, we are united with Him in His death, because these are mysterious ideas, not scientific ideas. In fact, much of biblical truth must go out the window when you approach it through the scientific method." -Donald Miller

Standing with my empty hands stretched towards heaven...

God please let me get this job... it sounds perfect... yet not my will but Yours be done...
I stand with empty hands stretched towards heaven... waiting for you to fill them...

Its hard to keep your feet on the ground when your eyes are on the stars...

The chilly grey day and mountians of school work are definately made lighter and brighter by phone calls from across the ocean! So good to hear that south african accent again! I can't even remember the last time I had an actual conversation with Jess, and I can't believe its been well over a year since I last saw her!! I miss that girl so much! I must say that it is hard to get back into school work when your imagination is ignited by tales of world travel, love, and wedding plans... but I guess I'll just have to live vicariously through Jess for now...
one day its going to be my feet traversing the globe and my heart that falls in love...
but for now I have an apprenticeship report to write...

A gypsy princess fighting for freedom...

At the Stars - Howie Day

maybe i should drop you at you door
and leave tonight and vanish up the shore
anywhere but here
it's three o'clock i'm driving in your car
your screaming out the window at the stars
please don't drive me home

blame us cause we are who we are
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose that you would go
i've already learned enough to know that...

tell me all the places we can go
you count the headlights passing on the road
a long long time ago

blame us cause we are who we are
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose that you would go
i've already learned enough to know that...

here here we are foreign to their world
straight and composed
your sermons i can do without
i've finally found that
everybody loves to love you
when you're far away

could it be we've done something wrong
i'll make it back to your place before dawn
please don't drive me home
please don't take me home

blame us cause we are who we are
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose that you would go
i've already learned enough to know that...



I came across this song a few weeks ago and have been listening to it nonstop... there is something about it that really touches to me... I'm not really sure what... I think it speaks to the part of me that feels out of place and is yearning to escape, travel, have experiences, not just live a life that follows the status quo...
I hope that I actually live that desire out. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm never going to do any of the things my heart desires and just follow the sensible path thats before me...
God don't let me give up on my dreams...


My friend Linds was here to visit last night... I love that girl so much... I hate that she hurts... it was really awesome to see her... she makes me feel happy and always loved

It time to get back to essay writing, this is probably one of the most philosophical essay's I've ever had to write. The question is: Is there a way to empirically measure what is good and what is evil? I hate needing to make philosophical decisions about life before I can do an assignment... but I guess its good to stretch my mind like that... I like thinking about this kind of stuff, just not making decisions... oh well we'll see how it goes!

All I want to do is give this life to you...

"Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can PRAY. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. Offer hospitatlity to one another without grumbling. Each on should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If enayone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen."
-1Peter 4:7-11

I went on a retreat with The Embassy last weekend, one of the exercises we did was a labrynth which was amazing! At one of the stations we were asked, where has God brought you lately? And I realized that I haven't gone anywhere, I haven't grown, my spiritual life has become stagnant. I've let myself be swayed by the relativist opinions of those around me and let my life overflow with things that aren't God... I need to get back on track.... draw me to you oh Lord!

men are from mars...

So i've had the opportunity a couple times over the last few days to talk with some guy friends of mine about where their heads were at in situations that I had previously only heard/experienced from the girl's perspective. One of them had just told a girl he had been seeing off and on for a while that he had met someone else and thought they should just be friends and the other recounted the story of the start of the relationship between him and my roommate. It made me wonder just how often we attribute a guy's actions to a certain emotion when really he is just doing the 'right thing', how often we think a guy is scum and that he never really cared about us when he is sitting somewhere thinking 'I can't believe that I hurt her, I wouldn't blame her if she never speaks to me again, I can't believe I made such a mess'... how often we sit around analysing situations and actions that really didn't mean anything. Is it really as simple as the 'He's Just Not That Into You' craze says... is it really true that if a guy wants to be with you he will make it crystal clear and if you are reading into unclear situations you are just fooling yourself? Imagine you really believed this and never sat up at night wondering why he didn't want to hang out with you ever again? Can we bridge the gap between how she and he see things?

I won't be lost in these watered down dreams...

Here we are in a new year...
Every year we get the chance to start again and we have high hopes that this year it will be different, this is the year where we really live and all the trouble and complications will pass us by... But it never lasts.

My Rach is back from South Africa but in only a week Innis will be gone to France. And a couple days ago they both announce that they aren't going to be able to live here next year. Just like that HICE ceases to exist, no warning, its just over. And today Matt ends up in the hospital with meningitis...

The fantasy lasted approximately 5 days...

This is the year I turn 22 on the 22nd... Ash tells me that this is going to be the greatest year of our life... and no matter what happens we are going to keep telling ourselves that it is the greatest year of our life... we are not to let anything ruin it!

Already this is a struggle for me, where did I lose my optimism?

Father God my life is designed by You, help me see the beauty and joy in each and every day...

"The hurt is washed away
still here i am
in the middle of it all
with heavy hands
and i try so hard
just to leave behind me
all the chains that bind me

i wont back down
wont turn my head around
quick, take a recess
oops, take another breath
guess who, whose you, better take another clue
find out all about, just dont doubt
just dont doubt

And i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day, yeah
and i wont be lost
in these watered down dreams
surround me i wont be
caught up in the moment of the day" - Moment of the Day - By Thousand Foot Krutch

Through the endless troubled days...

Every morning it gets a little harder to get out of bed and trudge through the politics of another day.

I'm living in a world where adults act like children and nothing is the way it should be. When you leave your youth behind does the trouble of this world harden you to the point that you forget how to act? how to care? how to love the people you meet along the way?

My friends, a bunch of people struggling to find out who they are, doing the best they can, they are the bravest, most intelligent and caring people I know, they know how to love... they put their elders to shame.

God help us not to lose the beautiful qualities we possess today...