Can I handle the seasons of my life...

Maybe it is because time seems to have flown by so fast,
Because a thousand yesterdays came and went in the blink of an eye,
That is comes as such a shock to me every time I'm faced with how much things have changed.
People who were strangers have become my closest friends, my supports, my joy
While those I held so close let months go by without talking
And when contact is finally made can't seem to remember where it is that I've been living for the last six months.

I'm stepping over a deep canyon, from one piece of earth to another,
And I fear losing myself in the deep darkness that is between.
I feel the ground of the old life begin to crumble beneath me
Before I find sure footing on the other side.
Should I try and hold onto what I have left of the old
Or do I make the leap and hope that there is solid ground on the other side to catch me as I fall?

"When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take a step into the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something for us to stand on or we will be taught how to fly"
-Patrick Overton

Take my world apart...

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

There are so many things that i want to say, but i've forgotten how to let them out...

"I'm alright I guess
But there's so much wrong
But there's so much right"

Whats my age again?

I graduate university this Thursday
One week later I will turn 23
Looks like I'm an adult now
Is this what it feels like to be a grown up?

I feel immature
I feel inexperienced
I feel unaccomplished
I feel like I'm 17

When do we start feeling our age?

If there's only room for one in the world in which you live, your world is in need...

This afternoon I found this quote online from Stephen Baldwin, an actor who calls himself a born again Christian:
"You would do far more good if you preached the gospel of Jesus, rather than trying to get Third World debt relief, God will take care of that Third World country. Get back to your calling, Bono."

First of all, dissing Bono is a great way to piss off a lot of people really fast.
Second, have you read your bible lately?

"Every third year you must offer a special tithe of your crops. You must give these tithes to the Levites,
foreigners, orphans, and widows so that they will have enough to eat in your towns." -Deuteronomy 26:12

"`Cursed is anyone who is unjust to foreigners, orphans, and widows.'" -Deuteronomy 27:19

"Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in
their troubles, and refuse to let the world corrupt us." -James 1:27

And what better way could we describe the wreckage left behind by AIDS and poverty in the Third World than "widows and orphans"?
Or how about:

"Then these righteous ones will reply, `Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and
give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did
we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' And the King will tell them, `I assure you, when you did
it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" -Matthew 25:37-40

Would ending Third World debt not act as a way to feed the hungry?

And what about the founders of our faith:

"Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words" -St. Francis of Assisi

What a narrow view of the redeeming work that God wants to work through us to perform that Stephen is presenting!
God doesn't just want to hear an acknowledgement of His name, he wants to restore the creatures and the earth that He created to their original splendor and he gives US the honour of working along side Him in that restoration of beauty. Not only does He want to restor our hearts but our bodies (heaven is described as a place with no more sickness in Revelations... I'm thinking God meant AIDS too) and our environment. And ANY work that contributes to achieving this is a work for God, whether the individual doing it knows it or not.
Don't close your eyes to suffering and injustice saying God will talk care of it... God IS taking care of it, He's sending Bono, He's sending you, He's sending me....

It's like I'm not me...

I can't wait to move back to Waterloo

Thought of the day...

"Perhaps we fear our dreams’ fulfillment more than this longing interminable because we sense the problem is not in our circumstances, but restlessness." -Anna Broadway

Did I grow up according to your plan?

I've been thinking more about my last post, about being a product of what we were taught when we were young, this time in regards to the situation with my parents and their dissapproval of my interning at The Embassy next year.

My whole life, from when I was born until I was old enough to drive myself, I went to church with my family every Sunday. When I got into high school I told my parents that I didn't want to go any more, but that wasn't an option. For some reason, instead of sulking about it, I decided to make the most of the situation and I joined the churches youth group. Eventually I switched to the youth group at Forest Brook because thats where my friends went, and I began exploring the faith, and came to actually believe in what I was being taught and invested my heart in the church. By making me go to church every week my parents instilled in me that church is something of value, and it became something of value to me.

While my brothers and I were growing up my mom didn't work. Other than being busy taking care of us she volunteered at our school, she was probably there three or four days a week, working in each of our classrooms, running bookfairs, organizing lunch days, etc. Instead of taking a part time job while we were at school and adding to the family income she spent her time volunteering, because volunteering a valuable way to spend your time, and it taught me that volunteering is a valuable way to spend my time.

However, when I combined these values together and decided to spend next year volunteering at The Embassy, my parents were somehow surprised and dissappointed by my decision. But given the way I was raised, what exactly did they think was going to happen???

"Welcome to the real world" she said to me, condescendingly, "take a seat" ...

I think I may have a problem with authority, this was brought to my attention this morning by someone I work under (oops), and the more I thought about it, the more I'm not surprised. A lot of things we are taught when we are young show up in our actions when we grow up, and for some reason people are often surprised by this.
Take my problem with authority for example. When I was in elementary school I was identified as a gifted student. Most of the special funding in schools goes to helping kids who have intellectual disabilities, or just trouble keeping up, and the teacher is busy with the 20 or so kids who are working at the grade level, leaving those of us who are ahead of the curve to fend for ourselves (especially since I went to a Catholic school where they don't believe in skipping grades). For me this meant a lot of independent work, and I mean A LOT. The teacher would give us a project (usually with alot of wiggle room for us to take it in a direction that interested us) send us to the library, maybe check in with us a few times, and then talk to us again when it was done. We also had some enrichment classes which taught us alot about critical thinking and problem solving. So basically there was a lot of freedom and a lot of self direction, you want to take the project in a different direction? Sure! You want to leave class and go work in the library? Sure! You want to help the librarian check out books for the kindergartens instead of doing class work? Sure! In high school I was in a lot of enriched classes which gave us similar freedom and I was also given leadership training galore.
So what is the result of all this? I like to be in charge of myself of course! What did you think would happen?! If you put me in charge of a project but still try to micromanage and get it done your way instead of just letting go, I'm not going to be really receptive to your ideas, I'm used to doing things on my own in my own way. And if you make a suggestion and I see a major flaw in it, I'm not just going to smile and nod, I'm going to point it out and suggest an alternative because I've been taught to analyze and problem solve.

I see similar issues happening in society as a whole. I've read various media reports saying that our generation is unmotivated and has no work ethic... to that I say, what did you expect?? We were told that if we worked hard at school and went to University the world would be our oyster. We watched our parents be miserable with jobs they didn't enjoy, so they put even more pressure on us to go to University so that we wouldn't end up like them. So here we are, with our degrees, expecting a job to fall in to our lap. But guess what? Its alot harder than everyone said it would be! The baby boomers haven't retired yet so we are stuck in menial jobs and have little to no authority (and I'm sure I'm not the only one with authority issues). We jump around between jobs and companies looking for something that will pay us well and make us happy, because that's what we were promised.

It's a funny paradox, the generation that worked so hard to empower us are now frustrated when we exert that power.
How do we bridge this gap?

--------------------------------------------------------

Father God,
Forgive me my pride, my arrogence, my resentment. Change this heart in me, make me aware of my feelings and actions. I am too weak and sinful to change on my own but I pray that Your holy spirit would fill me and give me Your heart, Your character. Lord you came as a humble servant, help me to serve those around me with love and humility.

Oh kneel me down again,
here at Your feet
Show me how much You love humility
Oh Spirit be the star that leads me to
The humble heart of love I see in You

You are the God of the broken
The friend of the weak
You wash the feet of the weary
Embrace the ones in need
I want to be like You, Jesus
To have this heart in me
You are the God of the humble
You are the humble King

Amen

All the mundane has brought out the rebel I was born to be...

Rebel:
1. To refuse allegiance to and oppose by force an established government or ruling authority.
2. To resist or defy an authority or a generally accepted convention.
3. To feel or express strong unwillingness or repugnance

I never thought that choosing to intern at The Embassy next year would turn out to be a rebellious act, but it has. I mean, spending a year volunteering at a church, seems like a pretty goody-two-shoes move, but people around me seem to see it as defiant and crazy. Some, like my Dad who is slightly enraged by my irresponsibility, show disapproval which threatens my belief that I'm making the right choice, while others, like my capitalism-loving friend who cannot comprehend the idea of not making money next year, genuinly don't understand and their questions challenge me and force me to re-examine my decision... but whether they are respectful or crushing, it is still a lack of support.

But that's only half the story... on the other hand I have amazing friends who listened to me work through all my options, prayed for me and encouraged me, told me what they saw in me and where they thought I would be happy, sent emails telling me that they were proud of me or checking how I was doing, and supported me every step of the way. I know that God is working through these people, watching out for me and lifting me up when the negative voices start to get louder than the loving ones... Thank you.