Is this what an existential crisis feels like?

who am I? what am I doing? is this my life? am i happy? what is missing? what are my dreams? how do i achieve them? am i a good person? do people like me? am i kind? do i show love? am i important to anyone? what does 'sweet' mean? why doesn't overanalyzing help? how do i break my bad habits? am i wasting my time? do i understand anything? am i good enough? will i make a difference? is is worth it? do i make good decisions? will i be alone forever? am i stuck? am i living up to my potential? what is my potential? how can i help others reach their potential? what are my boundaries? how do i protect my heart? do you think of me? do you miss me? am i good at what i do? can i achieve excellence? do i know God? am i in love with Him? do i live with passion? what is enough? can i be content? who am i? 

Three Passions

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the
longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of
mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither over
a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of
despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy—ecstasy so great that I would
often have sacrificed all the rest of my life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought
it, next, because it relieves loneliness—that terrible loneliness in which one shivering
consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable
lifeless abyss. I have sought it, finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in
mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have
imagined. This is what I sought, and though it may seem too good for human life,
this is what—at last—I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the
hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to
apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A
little of this, but not much, I have achieved.

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens.
But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my
heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a
hated burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain
make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate the evil, but I
cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if
the chance were offered to me.

By Bertrand Russell

Whatever the path You've chosen for us,
help us to be sure footed upon it.

All we can do is keep breathing...

He asked me if there was some other issue I wasn't telling him about
of course there is another issue, but it has nothing to do with him
in fact, I'm perplexed by the fact that he assumed it was about him in the first place
I guess we are all a little insecure sometimes

The issue is that I've felt overwhelmed every day for the last two and a half months
that i just barely get through each week
always running behind trying to catch up
hanging on by a thread

Now a huge part of my life is changing
and I have no control over it
and I know I can't keep going like this
but don't know what to change

So I'm scared
and I wish you could see
that I'm coming close to falling apart
and it has nothing to do with you

why can't you see me

With tired eyes, tired mind, tired soul...

February kind of just happened to me
It arrived with a snow storm, had me struggling and spinning, and left me reeling from the impact.

I think I cried most days in February
Sometimes tears of joy (as I watch my friends get their happily ever after)
Sometimes tears of sadness (as i anticipate goodbyes)
Sometimes the feelings of being overwhelmed simply spilled out

Everything was so much more than I anticipated
My life is not sustainable
As I look back on the hopes I had for myself this year, they are not part of my life
I'm just surviving
Someone told me I'm not the same this term

There needs to be change

Big decisions lie ahead
But I need stillness in order to make them
Which I don't know how to find in the whirlwind that is my life

5 more weeks...

At weakness you will find One called strength

Crying on the side of the road while there is a -20 wind chill is probably not the best idea I ever had...

we sure are cute for two ugly people...

I get unnecessarily angry when people talk down to me
I wonder what that means?

Do you feel like you belong...

"I realized its all about location. Your close friends move to different cities and you start to lose touch, but it's not because they don't care about you, it's just too hard. Then when you find that time to get together you pick up right where you left off." -JH

And then a kiss, but more than this, I wish you love...

I started school on Wednesday and since then have been spending every spare moment on homework.
I'm trusting that it will get easier once I get back into it.
Its crazy how accustomed I have gotten to having time to sit around and think. Here I am after 5 days of not having any time to spend on myself and I can't even read because of the noise of all the thoughts spinning around in my head.
That hope for a sabbath might be a little harder to achieve than I thought... but more needed than I realized.

Girl brain...

"Loony or not, girl brain almost always manifests in the absence or maddening silence of a man. Any situation where uncertain possibilities present themselves is an instant opportunity for our ever-active brains to fill in the gaps (naturally as colorfully as possible) until the man acts or speaks, providing us further data to mull over."