2014 in numbers...

113 movies
41 books
6 blog posts
5 concerts
4 countries
3 shift partners
2 homes
1 year

anger, tears, foolishness...

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. [Margaret Mead]

loud silence
smothering space

the solitude would be
improved by you

i'd rather be
alone together

We are Easter people living in a Good Friday world [Barbara Johnson]

Darkness came over all the land and Jesus cried out in a loud voice "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”...  And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open.  [Matthew 27:45, 46, 50, 51]

--------------------

the darkness endures

we too feel forsaken

as we are waiting

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

every step towards the kingdom

is hard fought and won

we are begging for mercy

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

mourning hearts crushed spirits

the cost of sin

leaves humanity broken

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

trying to bring light

grasping for hope

growing weary of waiting

waiting waiting waiting

for Love to win

my heart is with your heart -- my messy beautiful

In my work as a youth addiction counsellor I talk to my young people about that voice in their head, the voice of their addiction, that speaks in lies. It tells them they are not worthy, not loved, not capable and leads them down the path to numbness and destruction. This voice blocks out the light and love in the world and makes them think there is only darkness and loneliness.

I encourage them to engage in acts of resistance -- truth telling, showing up, feeling feelings, and doing hard things. And they do. They show up with their broken hearts and speak courageously about their painful lives. They let themselves be seen and known. They fight for their lives, until they can't, then they don't, and then they bravely get up and start fighting again.

There is a voice in my head too and it also deals in lies and blocks out the light. It's the voice of fear. It keeps me afraid that one day there will be too many drugs, too much sadness, too much pain and one of those precious souls won't be able to get up and continue the fight. This fear convinces me to keep my emotions under wrap, to not speak up, and not to push too hard. Because what if I do and they stop confiding, stop showing up, stop trying? The fear wears me down and then one day I catch myself thinking that if the unthinkable did happen, at least it would end this painful cycle.

I also need to engage in acts of resistance -- truth telling, letting my real emotions show, and doing it scared. So I do. I keep loving them fiercely, I let them see me cry, I tell the truth, and ask the hard questions. And even when the darkness threatens, I hold on to the light of hope.

There's not much of a difference between me and these kids.... we are all doing hard things and doing it scared, trying to bring light to the darkness with our honesty and authenticity.... we are all messy and beautiful...

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!

Carry your world and all your hurt...

In a million ways
its not OK
I watch you struggle
under the weight of it

heavy heart, weary soul, reckless mind

six year old fingers
pressing down
on black and white keys

brain expanding
naming notes
picking out a melody

backs of small hands
decorated
with happy faces

three dots
eyes and a nose
all in purple marker

but instead of a face
my weary mind
sees track marks

a shadow of hope in every heartbreak

there is a crack in the dam around your heart
I see the pain pouring in

holding my hand against the wound
I pray under my breath

please don't die
please don't die

growing weary and losing hope
that this crack would ever be repaired

one day you gather the courage
to put your own hand in the gap

slowly you restore the dam
healing it with bravery and truth

you work so hard
I am so proud

but behind the dam
the pressure builds

another crack
more pain pouring out

you see the fracture
but exhaustion overtakes you

I can live with it you say
with sorrow in your eyes

once again I stand
with my hand against the wound

praying under my breath
until your strength returns

There's something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He's doing...

It would appear that she is one
that providence forgot
I have desperately questioned
how God could stand idly by

But as I watched seemingly impossible plans
fall into place
I wondered in how many little ways
His hand has protected her

She's walked sixteen years
among depravity and darkness
yet the precious light in her heart
has stunningly been guarded

As she travels with the hope
that this is the beginning of a different life
go before her and prepare a place for her
filled with grace and mercy

In the midst of her treacherous climb
out of the shadows of her past
grow the light in her heart ever stronger
in the knowledge that she is worthy of being loved

---------------------------------------------------------

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.              
                                                                [Deuteronomy 31:8]

I lift my eyes up...

climbing out from under the legacy your mother pulled her into
          lamenting, grieving, confused, and sorrow filled
shedding the weight of her own choices
          regretful, ashamed, disgusted and afraid
no wonder she chooses not to think or feel
rather than experience her world
how can we ask her to encounter her emotions in all their intensity?
could anyone stand up under their burden?

her foot slips
she is harmed
where will her help come from?