Ready to be somebody with a story to tell...

Stuck in a world no longer turning
Always the girl waiting for something
Spent too many days walking around sleeping
Open my eyes, i'm tired of dreaming

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like
To feel alive

Sun on my face, lights of a city
Maybe in love or just leaning to be
On my two feet i can only imagine
I'll say the words and believe it'll happen

I wanna run with the reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like
To feel alive

They think they know me but how can they know me
I'm getting to know myself
I'm finally ready to be somebody
With a story to tell

I wanna run with a reckless emotion
Find out if love is the size of an ocean
Even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like

I wanna feel till my heart breaks wide open
I wanna blaze like a fire thats blowing
Even if i crash down and burn out
At least i'm gonna know what its like
To feel alive (oh i feel alive)

Every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die...

I've actually read about this on other blogs, but the experience of it on Saturday struck me in such a way that I'm going to say it again...
We are at a time in our life where when we say goodbye to people, we don't always know when we are going to see them again. On Saturday afternoon within the space of about two hours, I said goodbye to two of my friends, one for probably two years and the other for four months. The thing that was so unlike me is that I didn't get upset. Am I getting so use to saying goodbyes that I'm becoming jaded to the loss? Its becoming the norm that people I care about are spread out all over the world, and as we start to graduate its only going to become more so, and being finished school its not as if we are all going to end up back in Waterloo when our travels come to an end. The future is so unknown...

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out. I want to repeat one word for you: Leave. Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

I wasn't ready for it to be the last time...

I think I believed that if someone somewhere desired me that the memory of that experience would keep me from feeling alone. But instead the experience of having felt wanted makes the absence of that feeling that much more intense.

Leaving time again...

Tomorrow I move to Guelph to settle into another new house and start another new job. People keep asking me if I'm excited, but to be totally honest, I'm not. In fact, the pro's and con's of the situtation are pretty much even leaving me neither dreading or anticipating the change that I'm about to make. Despite all my doubts, the only thing that could have made the situation better is if I was in the same city as all my friends because this job is an amazing opportunity right out of school, it is in my field, it pays well, it is only a seven month contract which leaves my options open for next year, my apartment is a good price and its nice and clean and new looking. Plus, the whole situation has God's fingerprints all over it as it came to me so easily (when I usually struggle so much with finding a job) and I can't imagine that God would hand me all of this and move me to Guelph just to be unhappy. So, even though I'm not brimming with excitement at the moment, I'm going to trust that God has good things waiting for me...

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, but it's not easy to tell you goodbye...

I cannot believe my life right now! I'm usually the one to take the safe, responsible route, to not take risks, to do what is expected, but this time things are different. If you've been reading you know that I struggled over whether or not to go back to school this summer (and I chose to go even though it means a much larger OSAP loan) and that I told myself that I needed to have a job before I decided to go to South Africa (but decided to go even though I didn't have one)... so I took some leaps of faith and trusted that God would take care of me... and he has, more than I could have imagined!
There have definately been some rough and uncertain moments over the last few weeks, but looking back, the good much outways the bad and I've been blessed with abundance!
Over the last week, my landlords totally unexpectedly decided to let a guy sublet my room (after they had previously said no and I was panicking about finding another subletter super fast, my thesis advisor gave me until January to hand in my thesis and my Soc prof gave me an amazing mark on my term paper lessening the school stress considerably, a job fell in to my lap (thanks to my good friend lisa who is always looking out for me!), and then out of nowhere I got a lead on an apartment!
AND, to top it all off I'm leaving for South Africa in 5 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO basically, I'm beyond excited, my life is working out wonderfully, and God is amazing!
See you all when I get back from Africa and begin my new life as a non-student in Guelph!

I can't believe that this is goodbye...

Over the last few days may panic over trying to all my school work done and travel plans arranged quickly turned into a realization that I am quickly running out of time to spend with my friends before I move out of town. So, instead of devoting myself to finishing school on a high note I find myself spending my time hanging out with friends...
On saturday I went to see RENT with some of the girls, it was everything I dreamed of and started crying in the opening scene... I've been listening to the soundtrack every since ;)
Monday was my last official Embassy, fortunately the chaos that is setting up Embassy and the worry in the back of my mind about how much work I was potentially going to have to do this week kept me from thinking about how Embassy is potentially the hardest things for me to leave. I love love love my friends but I know that we will keep in touch and will visit each other, but my position on Embassy leadership is something that I have to say goodbye to, and that is soo hard. Its probably a good thing that I didn't have time to process this on Monday because all those people did not need to see me cry... but I have a suspicion that Friday at the Christmas party is going to be another story.
Tuesday I went to see Pride and Prejudice with Innis... such a beautiful movie! Stunning cinematography and a storyline that is every girls dream! Now I just need to find a man who is so taken by me that even if I'm stubborn and crazy he can't help but look me (with those gorgeous eyes) and tell me that "you have bewitched my body and soul"... *sigh*
Tonight it was Lost and Euchre with Innis, Curtis and Silas. Innis and Curtis have become such amazing friends to me this year, its funny to think about how friendships evolve. Curtis is such a solid, selfless, caring guy... its such a privilege to have him as a friend. And crazy Innis, I've loved having her as a roommate/friend over the last few years, and getting to the core of her randomness I've gotten see what a good heart she has. Now Silas, this boy is an enigma in my life... I love him with all my heart and I'm not so happy about leaving the town that he is in, now that I've gotten him back in my life in a real way I'm not looking forward to being away because he is definitely an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of guy and its going to hurt a lot of things go back to the way they were when he lived far away... i hope that I can hold on to our relationship because I really feel like I'm a better person because of his presence in my life.
So here I am, two days away from leaving town. Its a bitter sweet feeling as there are definitely things and people that I'm so ready to leave but many many others that I'm going to miss so much.
I'm saying goodbye to my identity as a student, which has been so much a part of my life since I entered kindergarten over 18 years ago. I'm saying goodbye to the University of Waterloo. I'm saying goodbye to my position on leadership at the Embassy. I'm saying goodbye to all those people who are situational friends, and although they've brought a smile to my face many times over the last few years, its unlikely that we will stay in touch after I leave here. Although I'm not saying goodbye to my close friends, I am saying goodbye to the way our relationship is right now because distance will definitely bring changes.

I hope that the adventures that await me are worth all of these goodbyes...

21 days away from being a university graduate, how are you feeling? you might ask...
Well that depends on what second you ask me (yes second, it changes that fast).
The answer would be really happy, or really sad, or really stressed, or really hurt... or maybe some combination of the four.
I may be wearing a blank look on my face, this is because the choice between grinning and crying is too taxing considering everything else I have on my mind.
So here I am, existing, surviving.
I'm trying hard to treasure the people and moments that make me so deliriously happy, but choke back tears in anticipation of their loss. At the same time I'm counting down the days until I can get away from the things that are slowly chipping away at my spirit, hoping against hope that once I leave here that those wounds will mend so that I might feel whole again.
These days I live, breath and feel in paradox...

being caught in between all you hope for and all you see...

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

When I fall in love it will be forever....

In season four of Sex In The City in an episode called 'What's Sex Got To Do With It' Carrie breaks up with the Jazz Man and walks home from his apartment. On that walk she comes across a sax player buskering on the street...
A single alto sax playing a slow jazzy version of 'When I Fall In Love'
This is what I would like to walk down the aisle to ;)

who i am is who i want to be...

I like who I am and am becoming, I'm happy with most of the choices I've made, I admire and love my friends and am inspired by who they make me want to be.
But for some reason this does not make me secure.
When a group of my friends get together to drink and go out and I don't feel included I feel abandond and wish that I felt that I was wanted in their group... but if I actually think about it I realize that I don't want to do what they are doing or be who they are becoming.
So why does it still hurt? why does that little voice in the back of my mind tell me that I'm not good enough, when there is a whole other group of people who loves me just the way I am?
Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Is this true? Do I feel this way because I choose to?